3 am again, another dark night of the soul

Well, the suicidal ideation passed. I was white knuckling it. doing every trick I knew to stop it. A long bath. Playing with DA BIRD with the cat. Surfing the web to figure out what to bring to my mom's house for Thanksgiving. But having spent the day alternating between copious amount of vomiting and diarrhea and then going to the ER to get hydrated and a shot so I could actually eat something, I was just feeling miserable. And lonely. There is a difference between being alone and lonely. I don't mind being alone, I really don't. But the loneliness crept over me so badly I felt it was like cancer on an open sore. And for the first time in a long time I felt alive- down there. In other words, I was horny as hell.

Add loneliness, sadness, being horny, the need to talk to a human being and not a cat- and the desire to eat something other than tea and toast- I was more depressed than I had been in a very long time. The other day i went grocery shopping, and it seemed to me the entire store were mothers with infants buying turkeys, and all the trimmings. I looked at the babies, nestled in their carriers on the shopping carts, their little feet ensconced in blue or pink booties, and the maternal instinct hit hard. And the damn clock. Yelling at me "Your eggs are getting old! Save us".

The holidays- the holidays. We long for Norman Rockwell, we get instead Clark Griswold in the Christmas movie. They can be so depressing. They don't mean to be.


So right now I cannot sleep, I still have the shakes and the sweats from the med change, and am on my 3rd shower this evening. I treated myself to a real nice bath skin moisturizer, and new bath puff, so that is nice. I also washed my hair and put it up in rag curls so it will look great in the morning.

It's also the 2nd anniversary of the break up of my relationship. I think that was a trigger too. I am over him, he has moved on from me and has a new girl friend. I am making hesitant steps back into the dating world. I have a great therapist who is helping me with this. But there is something about anniversaries, that are toxic and hurt.

So that is where I stand. i cannot fall back to sleep, so I am just going to catch up on blogs and wait for the sun rise.

And feel blessed that someone, actually sombodies, care about me.

-The picture of the rainbow was taken by me at my parent's old house back in 05.