Wednesday, November 26, 2008

3 am again, another dark night of the soul

Well, the suicidal ideation passed. I was white knuckling it. doing every trick I knew to stop it. A long bath. Playing with DA BIRD with the cat. Surfing the web to figure out what to bring to my mom's house for Thanksgiving. But having spent the day alternating between copious amount of vomiting and diarrhea and then going to the ER to get hydrated and a shot so I could actually eat something, I was just feeling miserable. And lonely. There is a difference between being alone and lonely. I don't mind being alone, I really don't. But the loneliness crept over me so badly I felt it was like cancer on an open sore. And for the first time in a long time I felt alive- down there. In other words, I was horny as hell.

Add loneliness, sadness, being horny, the need to talk to a human being and not a cat- and the desire to eat something other than tea and toast- I was more depressed than I had been in a very long time. The other day i went grocery shopping, and it seemed to me the entire store were mothers with infants buying turkeys, and all the trimmings. I looked at the babies, nestled in their carriers on the shopping carts, their little feet ensconced in blue or pink booties, and the maternal instinct hit hard. And the damn clock. Yelling at me "Your eggs are getting old! Save us".

The holidays- the holidays. We long for Norman Rockwell, we get instead Clark Griswold in the Christmas movie. They can be so depressing. They don't mean to be.

So right now I cannot sleep, I still have the shakes and the sweats from the med change, and am on my 3rd shower this evening. I treated myself to a real nice bath skin moisturizer, and new bath puff, so that is nice. I also washed my hair and put it up in rag curls so it will look great in the morning.

It's also the 2nd anniversary of the break up of my relationship. I think that was a trigger too. I am over him, he has moved on from me and has a new girl friend. I am making hesitant steps back into the dating world. I have a great therapist who is helping me with this. But there is something about anniversaries, that are toxic and hurt.

So that is where I stand. i cannot fall back to sleep, so I am just going to catch up on blogs and wait for the sun rise.

And feel blessed that someone, actually sombodies, care about me.

-The picture of the rainbow was taken by me at my parent's old house back in 05.


flawedplan said...

Well no wonder, 2 year anniversary of the breakup of a significant relationship during the holidays? You're doing fine, in light of all that, as well as can be expected.

This is such a horrible time of the year and for those of us that is true for it always has some terrible loss attached to it. I used to spend the month of December drunk, til I learned it was easier on my mind, body and social standing to just get through it. And now that I have for fifty years it's kind of all right, entering the dark tunnel, that familiar journey and knowing that it too will pass. (((hugs))) <<< if you want 'em. 'Til things are brighter.

susan said...


I will always take a hug from you. You have great literary taste, are a very cool woman, a wonderful writer, and love cats. What more could I ask for in a friend?

Immi said...

Girlfriend, I am so glad you are hanging in there. I wish I'd known. I do have a phone, you know. I'll send you the number and you can call any time. Us crazy cat ladies have to stick together. *hugs*

Mala50 said...

More hugs -- such a hard time and I wish I lived closer and not at the tip of Africa!

Please take care and stay in touch.



Ana said...

Stay in touch Susan.
I'm sending you an e-mail.

Gianna said...

I didn't see this when I wrote you last hadn't shown up on my feed yet..

in any case, Robin is right, you're doing just fine considering the circumstance...

you know you can reach out any time...

Dano MacNamarrah said...

It was so good to talk to you this morning. As I said, you are in "The Perfect Storm". There are so many people who care about you and I hope this lifts a little of the suffering you are going through.

Give yourself and Holly a big hug from me. Have a fantastic time at the parade.

Stephany said...
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Sherry said...

Thinking of you here in NH. I was awake at 3:00 myself. Too bad we didn't know it, we could have twittered or something.

Larry said...

I was up at 3 a.m. last night, too. For more benign reasons, as it turned out.

I'm glad you're improved enough to note that there is some theological dispute (from Vatican records in general and from Mother Teresa's letters in particular) whether a "dark night of the soul" is actually the same as depression. We wouldn't have wanted to have that discussion last night ...

Stephany said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sherry said...

fp and others are correct: this is a perfect storm you're in at the moment. And perfect storms are always temporary because they rely on the convergence of many factors and can't hold together for long.

Still thinking of you on this Thanksgiving day. (Behind the times, as usual.)

Blessings to all here.

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