Thursday, January 26, 2012

Off The Pity Pot

This morning when I woke up, I read what I wrote yesterday. It really upset me. I wanted to kick that person so much and say "wake up! snap out of it". 

I thought about something I learned in AA. I was on the "Pity Pot".  This is not a good place to be. 

I wiped off the cobwebs, made myself a cup of coffee. Took care of feeding and watering the cat and cleaning her litter box. 

I sat down with the coffee, and a note pad. The apartment needed a clean. A good spring clean. I need to do laundry. I need take out the trash. I need to get to the gym. 

It was overwhelming. I didn't want to clean, I wanted to go back to bed, but I haven't done it in a bit. I needed to vacuum first of all. I tied my hair up in a pony tail and just did it. Put the cat in the bathroom and did it. Living area, and bedroom. Done. That wasn't so bad. 

Dusting. Let the cat  out of the bathroom, and just did it. Put the laundry in a laundry bag and left by the front door. Made the bed. Took the laundry to the laundrymat.  An hour or so later, home again. Put it all away. 

Went to the gym. Stayed for an hour, listening to music on my iPod. Came home and showered, washed hair. 

Then I made a huge decision. I went to Weight Watchers for the first time. 

Sometimes you need a swift kick in the tush to get moving. I think I've said it before, but what made me stop drinking all those years ago was I woke up in a pool of my own vomit, I had glass embedded in my knee from where a glass shattered. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I went to AA. I stopped drinking. 

Yesterday's blog entry had the same effect on me. I was totally shocked. I know things are bad. I really do. I had no idea until I saw it in writing, how bad they are. I was shocked. I didn't like the person who  was writing this piece. It hurt me to read it, I can only imagine how a strange must feel. 

I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm not going to stop being depressed. It will come and go like the tides for me. I just saw that I was almost at bottom- and bottom if this continued would be death. I don't want that. 

So I made a list for tomorrow. I feel good about it, and I feel happy I joined Weight Watchers. I'm sore from the gym. I'll close this out now and take a long soaking bath. 

I still feel blue. I just don't feel helpless anymore. I don't feel like I did yesterday. That's saying a lot.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Winter in my soul

I've noticed one thing that's been happening over the last two years. My agoraphobia is getting  worse and worse. I can get out of my apartment one day a week, the rest- the other six days I am too afraid? fearful? anxious? to leave. It was never like this.

I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a month. I haven't seen the state worker since Thanksgiving. I'm overwhelmed. No energy. It's like a Zombie- I'm walking dead.

A well meaning family member begs me to go back on meds. I have scripts for Prozac and Abilify, drugs the doctor wants me to take. The doctor and my family want me to consider out patient therapy. Anything.

I know something's not right. Two days ago I made myself get dressed, and go to the supermarket because I needed kitty litter. I bought some food for me and lots of cat food for her, little cans of Fancy Feast. Milk, eggs, half and half, cheese, bread, coffee. Some pasta and sauce, a box of clementines. I treated myself to a hot dog at the Sonic across the street. As I was driving into my apartment complex, a well meaning neighbor stopped me for a chat.

"You never leave your apartment anymore", he said, solemnly to me.

"I'm too depressed to", I say, matter of factly.

"I get depressed too. I go out to the gym two hours a day and I feel better".

"I can't do that right now", I say with tears in my eyes. "It's not an option"

"Because you're overweight? Most of the people at the gym are overweight".

He doesn't understand. He wouldn't. I need help, dammit. I can't get out of bed. I will to do the most basic functions now. Use the toilet. Walk into the kitchen, feed the cat. Change the litter box. Crawl back to bed.

I can't cry anymore. I'm cried out. I've cried enough tears in the last month I could start the second Noah's flood. Now my eyes are so dry they are bothering me, I had to purchase eye drops for the first time in my life.

I've had depressions before. I've been noting the older I get, the more severe they have been getting. How I am not manic like I use to be. One day of hypomania, and a week of depression that's so bad it's like I am a walking corpse. A zombie, only instead of eating brains, I eat at the dreams I had, now broken.

I've had years of therapy. Most of my adult life- well- my entire adult life minus  two years. I know the tools I need. I just can't move. If the building was on fire- I wouldn't move. Only if the cat moved me to action would I try to save myself.

Cat. Silly girl, the only lifeline holding me up. Just a little 9 pound ball of fur and purr. And even then, I can't move. I will adjust my arm, so I can pet her blindly. I'll rub her and put my finger up to her purr box and listen. She deserves a better human than I.

A well meaning friend is telling me to start a blog about the cat. I don't have the energy. Another one is telling me to start writing a book- but my mind is blank. I've written 3 novels in my lifetime. I burnt two after spending years on them, simply because I thought they were no good. Kafka told his friend to burn his manuscripts. I made sure mine were burnt. I once told a therapist, it was like I had committed an abortion, burning those manuscripts.

It was more than just burning. It was the act of destroying something I loved. My dreams were all destroyed, I might as well finish them. As I write this, my body is taking care that my last dream is dying, as it happens to women in their 40s and 50s.

When I use to read tarot cards, I would see the reaction in people's eyes when the death card came out. No- I would say- it's not your death- it's a death of something, that will be reborn. It's a good thing. From Winter comes spring- flowers bloom and life starts up again.

I normally like Winter. This year it feels like it's in my viscera, my bones, my soul. I just don't think Spring will come. I'm hoping it will I don't like the alternative.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Solidarity with PIPA

Today Wikipedia closed down. Google has a black box over it.  Even my darling LOL Cats are with it. 

As a writer and blogger I have to agree with them. I had a post for today, but I am not putting it up. Instead, I am going to leave you all with some links from the Cheezeburger Network and their wonderful cats. From the Cheezeburger Network site:
PIPA is a poorly envisioned Senate copyright enforcement bill that will censor our Internet and kill jobs in the rapidly growing Internet industry. This bill (and its House counterpart, SOPA) were designed by lobbyists and are being sped through Congress with virtually no debate. Almost every Internet company has strongly come out against PIPA.
Why does this matter to me?
These bills threatens sites like Cheezburger, Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, and any others that rely on user participation. It will allow the government to censor sites and force companies to monitor your email and restrict websites that post or link to infringing content.
What can I do?
Call your Senator today and tell them to vote against PIPA. We have provided a list of phone numbers for each state below.

Information on PIPA and SOFA can be found here, with a list of Senators to call/write to. 

To understand more about PIPA and SOFA please read this article by Consumer Reports. I think it's the most fair one written. 

Monday, January 9, 2012

Annual Winter Cold

I'm here. I'm truly amazed at all the kind comments I got on the last piece about New Year's Eve, and will get to writing back to them.

I went out on NYE with my parents, came home about 9pm EST, and was asleep by 10ish. Thank you to Anonymous to gave me that really good piece of advice.

Since then, I've been feeling poorly, sleeping way more than I want to but it's not from depression, something's wrong. I had a flu shot about 3 weeks ago, so I don't know if it's flu or what not.

I went to my doctor today and it's my annual winter cold. So I have antibiotics and lots of orange juice and my mother's home made chicken noodle soup. No Matzoh balls but, it's really really good.

I also got several books to read, a few magazines graciously borrowed from a neighbor.

I hope to be "feline" better in a few days.
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