Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Thank you

I want to thank those of you who helped me get through the last week. Gianna and Ana, thank you. Stephany, thank you. Sherry, thank you. To all those who wrote to me, and those friends of Kevin who sent me emails about him, thank you.

I meant to start blogging again yesterday, but I - I .....


can't. I am overwhelmed by the email I am behind.


I am cycling down, cannot sleep or hypersleep. Cannot eat, but I am drinking. Went for a lithium blood draw and they couldn't find a vein, so I have an appt for a pic line if things do not improve.

I - I wish to heaven I was in front of that train instead of Kevin. But I am not suicidal. I just don't understand.


I am safe, Holly is watching me like a hawk. She is the best medicine I know.


I've never felt like this before. Broken. I've never felt broken before. But that is the only word to describe how I feel. Broken.

I hope to be writing again soon, I miss my readers, and get so much from them. But right now....I just have to figure out how to put the pieces back together again and live again.

I love you all.

Susan S.

10 comments:

G said...

Take your time Susan. Don't worry about the mails. Everyone knows you've had a rough week and the last thing you deserve is to feel guilty. Empathy is one of the greatest features a friend can ever have, and so there's nothing to be worried about as long as people know what you're going through. And even though I know it's been hard you've been excellent at keeping us updated. Thank you, take care, take your time, and you'll feel better.

Dano MacNamarrah said...

Sweetie~I've been remiss in writing, but it seems that you have had a well-spring of support. In a few weeks, when this has maybe faded away, feel free to reach out. You can always e-mail me at:

danomacnamarrah@yahoo.com.

I'll give you my private e-mail then, if you'd like.

I've been a bit too busy to catch up on the worthwhile blogs, such as yours. There was a man who was destined to be electrocuted to death tonight, despite the calls for clemency from the Pope, President Carter, The Innocence Project and Amnesty International.

He got a stay of execution tonight, two hours before he would have died. I've been busy writing about his case, but now he's (a bit) freer, as am I.

All my best to you, my love,

Dano.

Larry said...

Just remember that FEELING broken is different from BEING broken.

(Something I've had to remind my Ana, who is showing distressing signs of her own depression, recently.)

Be easy on yourself, Susan. (But Holly, be hard on her -- watch her like a hawk like you have been!)

Larry :-)

Ana said...

((Susan))
The only thing you must care about is getting better.
Don't worry.

Immi said...

I understand. Take care of yourself, be gentle to you. We'll be here when you feel better.

susan said...

Dearest G, Dano, Larry, Ana, and Immi,

Thank you. I will be OK in a couple of days. I think it's just my body reacting to everything, and I need to grieve now.

jessi said...

Susan, it's perfectly okay to be or feel broken. To grieve. I'm hoping you will allow yourself to do it.

I've heard that to really take the time to grieve fully right after a loss, means you will be able to recover better later on.

Whether this is true or false, you have my warmest thoughts, and hugs.

love, jessi

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear you are feeling so overwhelmed. Do not be too hard on yourself. Some things we never can understand, we can only begrudgingly accept. I finally wrote a short encomium on Kevin, with a picture from the service bulletin, on my website. It's not great writing, and I didn't find that I was actually ready to write. I just figured I should post something before everything slipped into the greyness of poor memory. Anyway, you'll find it at http://www.myrabbits.org

Jazz said...

Susan--
Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. Can't add much more than what has already been said, but you are in my thoughts. Take care of yourself!
Love and hugs,
Jazz

Sherry said...

Put that whip down! Really. This is your blog so you write when *you* feel up to it. You get to control that, with no expectations from the rest of us who sit shiva with you now.

Grief is cyclic because, I think, we can only digest so much of any particular emotion at any given time. It takes time and energy. On some level it can be interesting to watch oneself go through the process. My husband and I have been grieving several losses lately so it's on my mind these days.

Suicide makes it all much more complicated. There's a lot of anger and pain, a sense something's been taken unfairly. I was talking with a grief counselor last week and she's noticed more anger in some populations (younger widow/widowers, for example). The key seems to be that sense of being robbed unexpectedly, almost a psychic mugging.

In short, you're working. I don't think any of us would expect you to snap to and produce beautiful blog prose if you suddenly took a full time job. This is no different. Take whatever time and space you need. We'll still be here later, you can trust in that, Susan.

Sherry

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