I just came back from my friend Kevin's memorial service. As you can see from two previous entries, he died unexpectedly and suddenly last weekend at the age of 28.
I am still, raw numb, my body aching from unshed tears and wanting to cry and have not been able to since I heard the news. Could not cry when I saw the family pictures, spoke to the widow and the brother, saw the urn with the ashes.
I have a friend with me now who drove up from DC to attend. She will leave in the morning, but right now she and the cat are snuggling in the bedroom, door shut and I am on the computer, trying to wind down from the day and to sleep.
All I can say is even though my ECT was a huge mistake, and it did horrible damage to me, I am alive. I am breathing, I looked at the full moon tonight, now waning, and I am alive. I AM ALIVE.
In the years since I have been diagnosed, and on meds, and even now with my med cocktail, I have never been so glad to be alive as I am right now.
Oh how I wish people like David Foster Wallace, Sylvia Plath, Kurt Cobain- my friend Kevin- were still here too. It's a beautiful thing to be alive. Even if your brain isn't working as well as you want.
I need a cat fix. This was done by a friend and stars Bullwinkle and Rocky the kittens.