Friday, September 19, 2008

Cat fix video

I just came back from my friend Kevin's memorial service. As you can see from two previous entries, he died unexpectedly and suddenly last weekend at the age of 28.

I am still, raw numb, my body aching from unshed tears and wanting to cry and have not been able to since I heard the news. Could not cry when I saw the family pictures, spoke to the widow and the brother, saw the urn with the ashes.

I have a friend with me now who drove up from DC to attend. She will leave in the morning, but right now she and the cat are snuggling in the bedroom, door shut and I am on the computer, trying to wind down from the day and to sleep.

All I can say is even though my ECT was a huge mistake, and it did horrible damage to me, I am alive. I am breathing, I looked at the full moon tonight, now waning, and I am alive. I AM ALIVE.

In the years since I have been diagnosed, and on meds, and even now with my med cocktail, I have never been so glad to be alive as I am right now.

Oh how I wish people like David Foster Wallace, Sylvia Plath, Kurt Cobain- my friend Kevin- were still here too. It's a beautiful thing to be alive. Even if your brain isn't working as well as you want.

I need a cat fix. This was done by a friend and stars Bullwinkle and Rocky the kittens.



Catatonic Kid said...

My condolences! Rough day, no doubt. Take good care of yourself.

Sherry said...

Thinking of you.

Stephany said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Immi said...

Sorry you had such a day, and about your friend, but glad your friend could be there with you. A cat fix is good too. :)

Ana said...

I hope you get better.

susan said...

Catatonic Kid, Sherry, Stephany, Immi, and Ana, thank you for your kindness and good wishes.

I am doing fine. Just mentally and physically exhausted.

I appreciate your kindness and blessed to have such friends like you.

mary said...

Dear Susan,

I read what you wrote about Kevin on another blog, is that right? And then I just read your final thoughts about him today. I'm so sorry. I know what its like to lose close people to violent type suicides, its so devastating and confusing. Its really good that you're happy to be alive!

Mary J

mary said...

Hi Again,

Doesn't it hurt sometimes how much you love your animals?

Mary J (again)

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