Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Staying Alive

Not the Bee Gees song. Ugh.

But if your brain is playing tricks on you, and all you want to do is hurt yourself so badly that you would be pushing up daisies, would you go to Bedlam, allow yourself to be pumped full of Thorazine, plopped in front of a large screen TV, wearing a pair of adult diapers, but at least you would be alive and the chance, however small, your battered brain might recoop? Or would you continue to wait it out, white knuckle it, as the meds get reduced a bit and your brain turns tricks on you faster than a prostitute working the former not Disneyfied Times Square?

And pray to what ever g-d you believe in that you don't wind up a statistic in some medical abstract against Eli Lilly?

How much longer did Ulysess tell the Sirens to fuck off without breaking the mast in half in a manner like Sampson and drown?

(Picture above is Hogarth)


Sandy Naiman said...


Excellent post.
Excellent art.

Take care. I'm thinking of you but have no time to call, right now. I will. Soon. I wouldn't call now anyway. It's 6 a.m. and I don't want to disturb you!


Not Very Anonymous Mom said...

I love the way you write. But, I don't know - being pumped full of Thorazine and watching tv all day doesn't really sound too terrible to me right now.


Sherry said...

I've actually been able to check into inpatient units with a "no meds" understanding--and had it respected! More than once. It gave me some stability, three squares (it's amazing what improved nutrition can do), a bit of structure and a reminder that doing something with my hands--even a jigsaw puzzle--helps somehow. Of course, I had to put up with dorky groups. Some of the staff people were flummoxed by the notion of "no meds" but my doctor had agreed so I was able to shut down any discussion about it very quickly. This wouldn't have worked without that support.

As usual, my co-patients were the most helpful and interesting part of the deal, so keep reaching out. We're here with you today.
Best wishes,

Mark p.s./Mark p.s.2 said...

If you never have had Thorazine STFU.

I think you have to come to grips with automatic involuntary thoughts of self injury VS the right thing to do.
There is no cure for this but learning to live with it.
Maybe medications help, I don't know.
To learn to live with it, I think you have to stop looking at it for periods of time.
White knuckling does not work, unless you fake it until you make it. Faking it until you make it, is when you change (fake), but then learn to appreaciate your change.

If you are not going outside, I suggest going outside your apartment and doing something.

susan said...

@Sandy, thank you.

@ Mom, thank you for the compliment. I really appreciate it. Thank you for making me laugh too. ]

@Sherry, as usual that is a brilliant idea. I really hope I don't go in, though I will tell you this hospital has very good cooking.

@Mark, you are a good friend and I am trying I would rather be home with the cat and deal.... it's just the thoughts get so bad and i just want to stay alive, at any cost, including that.

Hopeful Heart said...

I have been reading your blog; I am "noew" to the blogs.

I had recently gone through a rather severe depression, and so can relate to recent posts. You are an excellent writer, by the way!

I had responded quickly to the right meds (for me). I had felt very fortunate, as I had been in a very deep depression. Just want to remind you that we do, eventually, come out of them. We need to keep ourselves "safe" in the meantime.

You know yourself best!;) You likely know what you need the most right now in order to stay alive and to allow yourself more recovery time?

If you feel a hospital is what you need, Sherry had made a great point about not all experiences with hospitalization always being the same.

You seem to be wondering if you need a fair amount of thorazine?

Susan, I hope you will make decisions that are the best ones for you and for your survival! :)

We are all "pulling for you!"
You deserve to recover!:)

You will be in my meditations... for rapid recovery! :)

Hopeful Heart

Ana said...

Hope you get better soon.

melzoom said...

the last line...

*hands over spare set of mountain-climbing boots*

need to borrow these? i'm keeping my pick-axe and carabiners...

louisey said...

Love to you --Hogarth is still relevant isn't he?

Take care & stay strong in spirit.


Immi said...

The daisies can find another place to grow. If it takes a hospital for that, eh well, that's what it takes sometimes. I hope it doesn't. But if it's that or pushing up daisies, please don't choose the daisies.
*sending hugs atcha*
*scritches to Holly too*

Pyrs said...

I appreciate your honesty. I am following your blog of course. And I want you to know that I am always happy to see that you've posted something new when I'm in my Reader. I look forward to it. Not in a macabre sort of way. But to know you are ok, and letting us know we are not alone.

Rachael said...

I just want to encourage some that might not be getting the right meds. Ever since I crashed my car because I was overmedicated, I have more careful of what medicines I take. I have bi-polar, fibromyalgia, optic nerve atrophy, SAD and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS). The Fibro makes everything worse because one of it's effects is not sleeping. The doctor tried different pills like Trazadone, Flexeril and Ambien. None of them worked. When he gave me a benzodiapine, Klonopin, it worked. Before I felt like I was hit by a bus with pain and my bi-polar and depression were worse. Now I sleep a little through the night most nights and I have a lot less pain. Klonopin is believes to slow down the nerve impulsed to the brain. That is exactly what Fibro patients need. When you sleep you are not in control so the nerve impulses will keep coming. The doc wont usually prescribe that first because your brain gets dependent on it. However, I have an illness that probably wont see a cure. So I am taking them for life. I have been taking them for about 3 years under the care of myself, doctor and psychiatrist. Yes there are draw backs, but they don't outweigh the benefits. Work for me with little side effects. It's a newer drug maybe 5-10 years old so I don't know the long term effects. But I'm not killing myself so I guess that's a benefit. There are also vitamins I need to take regularly from www.wellnessresources.com that really help, maybe to the point where I wouldn't need Klonopin, but I haven't taken them consistently because I am poor and the FDA has their own idea about cover the good stuff that will actually make people healthier. So yeah my insurance doesn't cover it so I don't always have the money for them. Shout out to all, most of us are vitamin D deficient so get some D-3 , it's cheap. Who wanted to put UV in everything anyways. It's in our cars glass home windows. That defeats the purpose of adding D to milk to prevent rickets. Get your vitamin d25-oh checked or just take D-3. It's good, I have less pain only after 2 weeks.

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