Sunday, February 1, 2009

Yer Blues


I don't know what sins or bad things I have done in this life time or in a past life to be punished like this. If I could make it better by penance of some kind, wearing a hair shirt, fasting , I would do it gladly. I would make a pilgrimage. I would self flagellate, I would do something, anything, to make this depression go away. It's choking me so hard right now I feel like I am drowning in a morass of black fog, choking off my windpipe, clogging my lungs, blocking my arteries so my heart cannot beat.

I feel like if Dante could get in my head he would discover another level of hell to write about .Those of us who live with depression but are not dead. Yet. The walking dead, the wounded. Those without hope. Those without dreams. Those who aren't living anymore, but are merely existing. Those who have the proverbial gun in their mouths, can taste gun metal, fingers on the trigger, hear the bullet in the chamber, the click- and don't have the balls to pull the trigger hard enough to set the gun off.

Greek Mythology has a nice myth about Pandora- opening the box and letting all the horrors of the world out- and the last thing to come out of the box is hope. Hope. There is always hope. At the darkest night before the dawn there is hope. A marvelous, magical thing that can get people though the most horrific things in the history of the universe, nature made acts, war, abuse.

But when hope is gone, how quickly would it be to pull that trigger? See your brains splashed out all over the walls, like something out of "Pulp Fiction"?

Right now, for the last several days I am in the worst depression since 93. It's so bad I can barely get out of bed to urinate or feed the cat. I don't have the strength to get dressed, to eat, to do the simplest personal hygiene. But I am alive. That is something.

15 comments:

D Bunker said...

Please tell me you got your Lithium level checked, ..... Please?

Ruby Tuesday said...

I wish I knew what to say ... I'm thinking of you. x

Stephany said...

Sending lots of support your way!

Lindsay said...

I can really relate to how you are feeling, could have written that myself except not as clearly as you have. Stay strong, i'm thinking about you.

Ana said...

D Bunker is right. You need to check your Lithium level.
There's nothing I can do and this is hard.
Remember that I'm thinking of you.

susan said...

Hi everyone,

I have had my lithium levels checked twice this past week. One test indicated it was fine but on the high side of theraputic. I took myself off from 3100 on Friday to 2500 when my hands started shaking and the vomiting transpired. I also went to the hospital ER Friday night when a friend begged me to go and cried on the phone, something that scared me to death since i don't like making people i care about cry. I really don't. My kidneys appear to be fine. i came back high on the sugars- but the doc said it could be that I had dinner t hat night and recommended a 6 hour glucose tolerance test which i will most likely do on Tuesday. (I need to make the appt on Monday).

I once told a therapist I had years ago, a Jungian, that i could knock Tyson or Ali out from all the stuff I have endured, as we all have, and all the blows and meds we take in an effort to allow ourselves to feel better. just put aa helmet on my head and a thingy in my mouth, and I am still in that ring. Wearing cute little pink satin shorts, and a blue top to bring out my eyes.

xxxx

bipolarlife said...

I feel for you and can honestly say that I've been there. I remember a time during my worst depression when the only reason that I got out of bed to urinate was so that I wouldn't bother the dog. Otherwise I could have cared less. Funny what we'll do for our furry friends but not ourselves. My doctor once told me to remember that the depression wasn't me, to look at it as a separate thing and examine it. Remember that the depression passes. It always does, it just majorly sucks while you're experiencing it. Don't know if any of this helps but hold on.

David Rochester said...

I wish there were something more tangibly useful I could say other than that I'm thinking of you. I hope this cycle ends soon, and that you're able to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm very sure, though, that you didn't do anything bad in a past life or in this life, or at any time at all. Sometimes I think the self-punishment we endure is the pain of learning to be kinder to ourselves. That's much harder, isn't it, than the idea of self-excoriation? I know it always has been, for me. So when I'm tempted to think that some penance would free me from the torments of my life, I remember that the better and harder thing would be some self-care. But penance always sounds easier!

hymes said...

So glad you lowered the lithium and that your level was safe. I don't know if this will make you laugh or not, but worth a shot? If sins in this life caused severe sadness to the point of wanting to die, wouldn't Dick Cheney, George Bush and Karl Rove have killed themselves by now? :)

Immi said...

Pass the helmet.
*hugs* Hope you feel better soon.

BPD in OKC said...

I'm going to pray for you. I know the depression is taking over right now, but you can get through it. You're stronger than you realize

Gianna said...

I can't better say what David and hymes said.

NurseExec said...

You're in my thoughts.

susan said...

@Bipolar Life, thank you for understanding and the comment about our furry friends.

@David, I never thought about what you said about penance before, but i think you hit the nail on the head. ANd you do help- your blog entries on Daria make me laugh out loud and smile.

@Hymes, that joke was too funny.

@Immi, BPD in OK, Gianna, and Nurse EXec, thank you. I am blessed to have such friends as you.

Sherry said...

Susan,
Just checking in to see how you are. I don't for a moment think this is about punishment for former transgressions. You'd be much more of a noticeable dipstick if it was. You just can't hide that sort of thing, really. And it just ain't there with you. You're okay, or at least as okay as the rest of us--no deep, dark moral failings there, not even as leftovers. Really. Sometimes in life are truly inexplicable and this "bad things with good people" is one of them.

I don't know if this will bum you out further or encourage you, but I spent two friggin' years in bed with depression about 15 years ago. I'd be embarrassed to tell you how many days would pass without me even changing my flannel nightie. I'd comb my hair about once every three weeks; it would take several days. I slept 18-20 hours a day, was totally unable to get out of bed except to crawl to the bathroom and grab something from the fridge once in a while.

It went on and on. Few people would understand what I'm describing--god knows my therapist didn't have a clue, no matter how many times I told her what was going on. But I know you understand completely, and I'll bet you're not the only one here who does. My guess is you're not alone here in having experienced this sort of thing.

But it did pass eventually. I needed a lot of help to get back on my feet, but here I am and it's never been that bad again. I had a lot of pain in my feet (oddly) when I started walking again, which I now think was caused by mitochondria being stirred back into life after a prolonged vacation. I just kept walking and that, too, went away.

This all happened years before my hypothyroidism and Vit. D deficiency came to light so it wasn't magic pills that did it. It resolved thanks to some treatment and time. It hasn't happened again.

I'm putting my money onto the little square that says "This will resolve for Susan if she keeps on keeping on and keeps on seeking help and doesn't take no for an answer and continues turning to her friend (on and off line) with honesty."

Best wishes,
Sherry

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