Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Background


I am just tired. Tired of feeling ill from my meds 24/7. Tired of being too sick to work. Tired of not having any money and applying for food stamps and subsidized housing.

Tired in the fact the one trip to the city I took since 07 cause I didn't have the money to go= I get comped two tickets for "Next to Normal", and it triggers every trigger I have in the universe. I haven't been the same since i saw the play.


Other than underwear, I have not bought any new clothes since 07. I have not gone anywhere, unless you count Princeton and New Brunswick. I don't.

Living in the burbs where it's all families and young marrieds commuting into the city- it sucks, I should be in a city- any city somewhere. Not here. Please not here.

All I ever wanted from the time I graduated from college was to be a wife and mother. The ex said he wanted children, after we married I found out he didn't. Hence the annullment. I would have never married him if he had told the truth.

All I have at this point of my life, are broken dreams. I don't have any dreams now.

"
Loose your dreams and you will loose your mind"- Rolling Stones, Ruby Tuesday


I spend my days popping pills to sleep 18 -20 hours a day so I can be as close to death as I can without actually being dead. I have a blog which got some awards but no one visits. All I know how to do is write. And I wonder if I can every really do that.

All I know, I just want to be somewhere else before my birthday. That's it. I just don't know how to get there.


The cat will be fine. AK or Peter will take care of her. I am not fine. I need a dream, or a dirt nap.

27 comments:

sallyo said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. For what it's worth, I come here faithfully every day to hear how you're doing.
I don't know what advice to give, just a shoulder to lean on and a hug.

Jaleesa said...

I've also been reading every day, since I've found your blog. I'm sorry you're feeling so down...there's a bit of irony, because I was feeling the same way and there seemed to be a lot of people on my bloglist feeling the same way.

I never quite take the intended meaning of "you are not alone" to heart, mostly because it doesn't really solve the actual situation. The problem isn't that I feel alone. The problem is that I'm feeling what I feel, and whether I'm alone with it or not it still feels the same. I do continue to get a bit of a kick when I come across someone else who feels the exact same way, though.

I hope you feel better as soon as time allows. ♥

Ana said...

Susan,
I'm also sorry you're feeling down.
I just want to remind you that I have Skype.
Love,
Ana

Wendy said...

Susan,
It must be difficult feeling the way you do. I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time.
I want you to know that I come here almost every day - mostly when I'm feeling good, because I want to hear from you and hear how you are doing. (When I'm in that bad place, I just hide away, I don't have the energy to read, let alone write!)
You can contact me any time. And I have a couple of teenagers + (meaning they are over 20 but still act like teenagers) that are going REALLLLL cheap this week. Well, it would be cheap for me but not cheap for you!
Father's day was a blast, I almost strangled the love of my pitiful life, my children's sperm donor, you know he told me one day, years ago when the kids were little - he didn't want children either (obviously he was happy to place his order though...) Better to find out before than after 5 kids - believe me, I'm telling you the truth.
I hope you find the strength and humor to push past this nasty place you are in. I recognize the landmarks, and I remember the pain. I'm keeping you in my prayers.
Wendy

Aimee said...

I hope you are feeling better soon. I wish I had words of wisdom..

test said...

Big Hugs, my dear friend. I know all too well that all of the clucking and "there-theres" don't mean diddley when you are down. Just know that you are loved and that you are making an impact on the world.

test said...

Why does it keep coming up as "test"? I logged in and everything. Geesh. It's me. Your blogspot illiterate pal.

- Beth

Anonymous said...

*offers comforts and hugs*

I am so sorry that things are so rough right now. I too am a daily reader, and if blogging helps you in any way, know that I am here to listen.

I don't know if this would work for you or if you even have the energy to, but reading poetry sometimes works for me when I'm in bad places. As I type that, it sounds so trite, but it's true. Sometimes someone else's words really speak to me and provide the comfort and strength that I can't seem to provide for myself then. I once carried a book of poems by Rilke around in my school bag for 3 days straight because the words were the only tangible comfort I could find. I truly feel that that book kept me from going to an even darker place. (ends ramble)

Tailwags and hugs,
Littlewolf

Immi said...

*hugs* from me and purrrrrrrrrrrs from the kitties

Bitter Animator said...

That's one creepy picture. I know what it's like to be tired. To have every single cell in your body, every molecule, every atom feeling tired. Weak.

And yet I always think it's different for everyone. Only you can truly know what it is to deal with what you're dealing with.

That can feel very lonely sometimes.

But you have a lot of readers who all relate to different aspects of what you're writing about. Together, we have shared experiences. And so you're not alone.

Does that matter? As Jaleesa points out, it doesn't really solve the situation.

But I think it does matter. You're a part of something more than yourself and you can see here from these comments that you're important to a lot of people. And, for every comment, you can be sure there are many more readers who didn't comment.

I have no idea what I'm saying really.

I guess it's just that there are a lot of people who wish the best for you.

Mark p.s./Mark p.s.2 said...

"no one visits". I visit daily , but don't find anything in me to write in comments.

tigerleo said...

We are reading, and appreciate your candor. You make the rest of us feel like we are not alone. Now, it is our turn to return the favour.

*hugs*

moropus said...

I have been where you are and take 4 pills a day just for my depression. Even still it was a long haul. Please don't give up.

I came here from Spikol's blog and she needs you. Your cat needs you.

Its hard being different from other people. Just don't give up no matter how hard it is, because things do change over time.

Annapurna Moffatt said...

((((((((((BIGGEST HUG IN THE WORLD))))))))))

I read your blog--it's one of my favourites (in general) and definitely my favourite here on Blogger. "No one visits"? Nothing could be further from the truth.

sisyphusgal said...

I just spent a couple of hours reading your blog and I see much of myself in your writing. This quote helps me, so perhaps it will help you.
"But a person will demonstrate that he does not belong to them precisely by showing that he knows how to speak in fear and trembling, and speak he must out of respect for greatness, so that it is not forgotten out of fear of harm, which certainly will not come if he speaks out of a knowledge of greatness, a knowledge of its terrors, and if one does not know the terrors, one does not know the greatness, either." Soren Kierkegaard

Darla~SassyHomemaker said...

(hugs) I just found you today and I added you to my reader.

Psych Client said...

I just found your blog from another that I recently joined.

I'm sorry you are feeling as bad as you are. I know the feeling well unfortunately.

In times like this, it's the little things that can get us going again. Recently for me, it has been music.

Maybe that would help? I hope you are feeling better soon.

herb said...

Dear Susan,

I read a piece on Liz’s site which prompted me to quickly scan your blog.

I am truly sorry for you and your challenges as I am for others that suffer from the pain and anguish of MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). I also looked quickly at the pharmacopeia’s and treatment regimens you’ve enlisted over the years.

I strongly endorse patient and support person education while also encouraging hope and persistence. It has taken my spouse and me some four decades to achieve a reasonable degree of stability and remission over her illness so that I would encourage you to continue on. My spouse has been almost continuously depression free these past ten years.

I encourage others not to be fearful of experimenting in order to achieve some degree of wellness and with that in mind there are advancements and newer therapies such as those in the field of neuromodulation that I would encourage patients to investigate. This is not to say that one should not first enlist the least invasive, holistic and/or talk therapies first but after the many years you’ve indicated I would hope you have explored those avenues.

Unfortunately as you must now know from your years and numerous treatments there are no guarantees of efficacy or the fact that many of these therapies are accompanied by potential serious side-effects but for those who are fortunate come benefits and the possibility of remission that one is unable to achieve through the more conventional treatment approaches.

I once again encourage you to explore, research and to be adventuresome in your quest. One cannot get one’s lives back as they once were simply because of the dynamics of human aging but we can obtain a reasonable degree of wellness and similar quality of life.

I wish you wellness.

Warmly,
Herb
VNSdepression.com

kristinbell said...

Hi! I just found out about your site from Liz Spikol. I'm so sorry you are having a horrible time. Please hang in there. My new kitten wants to wish you well too! She sends you her kitten kisses! :) kristin + zoey the kitten

Anonymous said...

Please hold on. I am a bipolar 1 person who has had 3 devastating
episodes with months and money gone each time. Websites like yours give great encouragement to me.

susan said...

Thank you all for writing. I am feeling blessed and loved.

Will write back to each of you who has left an email address or website to thank you in person.

-Susan

herb said...

Dear Susan,

May I also suggest for your consideration investigating and expending your limited energies in also looking up Dr. Paul Goodnick – Carrier Clinic, Carrier Clinic, 252 County Road 601, Belle Mead, NJ 08502, and (908) 281-1000 as I believe he is your geographical area?

I don’t know if he’s seeing new patients or his current scheduling but I do know while he was at the University of Miami School Of Medicine (MD, Psychiatrist, Professor, Researcher, Lecturer, Author and most importantly Mensch) he was instrumental and influential in getting us on the road to achieving a significant degree of wellness for my spouse. Please do not hesitate to mention our names, Joyce and Herb Stein. He knows us well.

There truly is no need to waste your energies at this time thanking me. Hopefully in the near future when you’re better and in remission and have a few minutes just let me know you’re doing well will suffice.

Warmly,
Herb
VNSdepression.com

Anonymous said...

just so u know how wide your audience is here is a big HELLO from israel. Your blog helps me to keep it real. Thanks a lot for your words even if for u they often don't seem like much. I have ocd and has been much better recently. I know advice doesn't help much but keep going - u help others do.

Yours
Eyal, tel aviv

bobby mcgee said...

i get ya....thats all i have to say

Anonymous said...

What did I say when we last chatted about life and feeling down. Get up, turn the computer off, go out, even if only for a short walk. Life is what you make of it Sue and there's much more to it than sitting at an ageing laptop typing this stuff.
Harsh, perhaps ? but best friends in the whole universe will tell you the truth, not just what you may want to hear.

xxx

Anonymous said...

So did you get some fresh air?

Anonymous said...

I'm a little late, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I read your post with tears in my eyes, because a few days ago I was thinking the exact same thing. I am lucky enough to have great friends and family that help me get through days like that. I am pulling for you, Stay strong. I'm pulling for you...and for me too...

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