For D- When ever I may find him

Leave it to my best friend in the universe to give me good advice.

Not to mention he is the only one in the universe that can call me Sue and live.

A video, a memory, a dream, for you dearest one.


Lighthouse Family, "Lifted".

(Video disabled to post. Damn)

Nightmare-The Red Cat Redux

Ten days ago I wrote on a nightmare I had. I wrote it down literally within a minute or two of waking.

It's taken me a few days to think about it, and since I have written about it, I have dreamed about it again, a small red cat in a basket and a binky, that when I picked it up, I was covered in blood.


I think it is on a few levels. A kitten- well, even on days where I don't visit the blogs I want to, I see a blog called "The Daily Kitten". Is there anything cuter in the world than a kitten, or a puppy?


Yes, a baby. A human baby. I think somehow, my brain is responding to my body crying out- after all, I am a woman in her 40's and time is running out on that old Biological Clock. My body is screaming to my brain- "She's got a birthday coming up! She better find someone nice to procreate with fast!"

And another thing I have noticed, once a month, I am like a female cat in heat. Literally wailing for it. Maybe it's my body's reaction to "Hurry up, please, it's time" at the pub, while you finish your pints quickly and wonder if you can sneak another round in before closing time.


And the blood on my hands but not on my mother's? Pretty Freudian stuff. My mother doesn't menstruate anymore. I still do. That has to be it. And feeling like one of Tennyson's Knights in "Idylls", that is me, trying to make closure with the fact you come into this world alone, you leave it alone, and sometimes, you don't get a chance to pass on your DNA. Life was never said to be fair.

The funny thing is, once I realized this, the dream ended. But I still dream of kittehs. I suppose it's better than Cherry Garcia Ice Cream.

Michael Jackson was on some cocktail when he died.

I am still gutted by Michael Jackson's death. Bit of Trivia- I had a Jackson 5 lunch box when I was little,

So yesterday, when the UK Sun newspaper posted this story- I was hooked, I had to read it. If this is true-he was on some med cocktail when he died.

My mother, being of a different generation than me, (obviously) thinks of Elvis dying on a huge med cocktail. I will always now think of Michael Jackson. I wish this wasn't so.



According to the Sun,
Jackson was on the following when he died.

Vicodin
PRESCRIPTION painkiller containing paracetamol and the opiate hydrocodone.

It usually comes in a tablet form. US rapper Eminem was addicted to the drug.

Dilaudid
POWERFUL painkiller derived from morphine.

Used to numb post-surgery pain, chronic back pain and broken bones.

Users can become anxious and suffer severe mood swings.

Xanax
AN anti-anxiety pill that fights panic attacks and aids sleep, meant for short-term use only.

The drug is also thought to boost the risk of heart problems.

Soma
THESE muscle relaxant tablets are known to be highly addictive but they are particularly effective for tackling back pain.

They can cause severe drowsiness in users.

Prilosec
TREATS acid reflux (when stomach acid leaks to the gullet) and ulcers.

Such conditions are common in those with irregular eating patterns and disorders like anorexia.


Paxil

Treats severe depression, social phobia, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder.

Linked to heightened suicide risk and increased depression.

Demerol
MORPHINE-based potent painkiller, used to numb pain after ops or birth.

Only medics may administer it.

Drug puts pressure on heart. Users can struggle to breathe.

Zoloft
ANTI-anxiety tablets taken to stave off panic attacks and depression.

They should not be used with any other anti-depressants.

They have been known to cause insomnia in users.

Hat tip to the wonderful Fiddy, anti Paxil crusader extraordinaire

Has Michael Jackson died?

Matt Drudge is reported less than ten minutes ago that pop star Michael Jackson has died. What is known is he was rushed to the hospital in Los Angeles, not breathing.


Here is the report Drudge is using.

Michael Jackson Dies
Posted Jun 25th 2009 5:20PM by TMZ Staff
We've just learned Michael Jackson has died. He was 50.

Michael suffered a cardiac arrest earlier this afternoon and paramedics were unable to revive him. We're told when paramedics arrived Jackson had no pulse and they never got a pulse back.

Michael is survived by three children: Michael Joseph Jackson, Jr., Paris Michael Katherine Jackson and Prince "Blanket" Michael Jackson II.

Jackson had 13 number one hits during his solo career.

Here are two of my favorite songs by Jackson




With the Jackson 5. I had such a crush on him back then





Story developing...Let's pray it isn't true.

It seems to be true. WCBS TV just announced it and it's on their web site. The LA Times has it on their website here.

Just Breaking-R.I.P. Farrah Fawcett

How sad. I grew up watching "Charlie's Angels". My sister and I , along with a couple other girls from the neighborhood would play "Charlie's Angels". One would be Charlie of course, my sister always wanted to be Farrah, i wanted to be Jacklyn, and someone from the neighborhood would be Kate. All the boys in Jr. High had that famous picture of Farrah in their lockers, holding a lock of her gorgeous hair, and smiling that smile. You couldn't escape that picture, even Mel, from "Alice" had it on a T shirt.


She was such a diverse actress, going from the Noxema girl (with Joe Namath) to Charlies Angels, to playing a incredibly dramatic part like that of Diane Downs, in a made for TV special. She had me believing she was evil.


And today at the age of 62, somehow that doesn't seem that old- she died. At her side was former husband the actor Ryan O'Neal (of Love Story and Paper Moon fame), and a I just think- somewhere in Hollywood,a star really loose it's light.

RIP Farrah, and thank you.


Obit is here.

Thank you, thank you, and love to Liz

I really feel blessed to have people in my life, sometimes when I don't think I do. One of them is Liz Spikol, editor of Philadelphia Weekly magazine, and proud blogger of The Trouble With Spikol.


I met Liz about 2 years ago, she came to give a talk to my support group, and she brought the house down. She is slender in person, with the most beautiful hair I have ever seen in my life. As she told her story, she entranced us like Scheherazade, telling her story about her childhood, her parents, and sibling, her time at college, and then her time in a mental hospital in Texas, her experiences (good bad and ugly) with different drugs, and yes, ECT. You could hear a pin drop. For two hours we were enthralled. Then it was over, she gave me a bone crushing hug, we walked out together in the night air, passed the crowd smoking, and she showed me she had rented a car to take the trip from Philly to Princeton. I had tears in my eyes.

Hearing Liz's story reminded me of my own, our upbringing and parents are almost carbon copies of each other, and our ECT experience could have been the same. I always thought of Liz as a cool younger sister somehow. I really truly like her. She also helped me out when my marriage ended by publishing little snippets I was writing as therapy, anything to keep my mind occupied back then. "Writing and ice cream", Liz said, though she is so thin, I doubt she eats much of it. And as for writing, her father is also a brilliant writer- if you can find a used copy of his books on Amazon it's worth it.


Yesterday Liz showed what a big heart she has, by publishing some of my ramblings. I do, I confess, get very very depressed bordering on suicidal ideation in July and August. Part of it is from years of lithium use, I cannot tolerate heat, I cannot tolerate sun, I have to stay where it's nice and cold. if I were rich, I would go to Alaska during this time and just live near the snow, and be a snow bunny.

I was amazed at the kindness of her readers, and the people who came here. I plan on thanking everyone personally, over the next few days. I didn't think anyone cared for other people- depression will do that to you. Make you forget about the good in the universe, and see only the bad.

I am grateful to Liz, and to all that replied.

And Liz- I am going to come down to see you, and bring you the biggest cheesesteak Geno's makes for lunch.

I am in a Commercial for TV

I spent the morning at the Princeton Battlefield Park filming a television commercial for a hotline that I volunteer for. The grass was dewy and made it almost impossible to walk in my flip flops, and i was upstaged by the black squirrels.


It took a lot out of me, we shot almost 40 minutes that will be condensed down to about a minute and half, and shown on TV in September. I don't know if it will be just the Tri State area (NJ, NY, CT) and PA, or nationwide.

I will have my own copy in September, and post it up here then.


I am totally in shadows, under a fake name, which is pretty easy to figure out- and hopefully, not upstaged to badly from the squirrels.

For those interested in American Revolutionary History, below are some photos of the park and videos here.

I am really spent, headachy, and need to decompress, and will be back on line tomorrow.

Something to lighten the load

After that last blog entry, here is one that should bring smiles.

Background

I am just tired. Tired of feeling ill from my meds 24/7. Tired of being too sick to work. Tired of not having any money and applying for food stamps and subsidized housing.

Tired in the fact the one trip to the city I took since 07 cause I didn't have the money to go= I get comped two tickets for "Next to Normal", and it triggers every trigger I have in the universe. I haven't been the same since i saw the play.


Other than underwear, I have not bought any new clothes since 07. I have not gone anywhere, unless you count Princeton and New Brunswick. I don't.

Living in the burbs where it's all families and young marrieds commuting into the city- it sucks, I should be in a city- any city somewhere. Not here. Please not here.

All I ever wanted from the time I graduated from college was to be a wife and mother. The ex said he wanted children, after we married I found out he didn't. Hence the annullment. I would have never married him if he had told the truth.

All I have at this point of my life, are broken dreams. I don't have any dreams now.

"

Loose your dreams and you will loose your mind"- Rolling Stones, Ruby Tuesday

I spend my days popping pills to sleep 18 -20 hours a day so I can be as close to death as I can without actually being dead. I have a blog which got some awards but no one visits. All I know how to do is write. And I wonder if I can every really do that.

All I know, I just want to be somewhere else before my birthday. That's it. I just don't know how to get there.


The cat will be fine. AK or Peter will take care of her. I am not fine. I need a dream, or a dirt nap.

Waiting for Godot

Does anyone else feel that way? You spend your whole entire life waiting for Godot, and he never shows up?

Why wait? Why bother?

Sigh.

I need a vacation day or two-

Last night an ambulance came and took away my downstairs neighbor. She is 88. I don't know what happened to her, my super doesn't.... the hospital won't release information.

Her daughter or son came by today and took away her car. I was in the shower when it happened.


I know she's 88, but she was vibrant, and sweet to me, like a grandmother. I have known her since I was 16. I am just too upset, fearing the worse, to write or visit anyone. I just don't want anyone to worry if I don't write or visit blogs for the next day or two.

Will be back on Sunday to put up a piece I wrote then, and visit blogs after supper with my father.

Take care of yourselves.

Transcript on medicating children on CNN

From June 17, 2009 episode of Campbell Brown, on CNN.

It's at the half way mark here.





Hat tip: Philip Dawdy.

Hat tip: Gianna Kali

Wordless Wednesday

CNN tonight-are we overmedicating our children

This was just passed on to me by a blogger.

From CNN's schedule for tonight.
Campbell Brown: The Great Debate: Are we overmedicating our kids? Join Campbell Brown as she discusses this issue, tonight!

5 pm PST
8pm EST

I have no idea who this woman is or how she will treat the subject but thought I’d give y’all a heads up.



Hat tip to Gianna Kali from Beyond Meds

Nightmare- The Red Cat

I just woke up and want to get it down before I forget.

I was dreaming, vividly, like always. For some unexplained reason I did not have a cat, and my mother, looking like the mother of my youth, stopped by my apartment with a small wicker basket and a white chamois blanket. I opened the blanket, and there was a tiny kitten, collar with a heart shaped tag with my name and address, and the kitten's name. In the kitten's mouth was a binky. I forgot what it's name was. Only the kitten was red. Solid red. My mother picked him up and placed him in my arms. And I noticed, my arms started to bleed, - they were covered in blood and it was dripping in copious amounts down to the floor.

I don't now if the kitten was evil or not, I just know the kitten then was put back in the basket by my mom and nothing happened to her. But I was left bloody, like half of "Carrie" and alone. My mother and the red cat were gone. And lifting up mine eyes, I found myself Alone, and in a land of sand and thorns , ...

I am so alone.

Happy Bloomsday

Today is Bloomsday. It's no secret if I was stranded on a desert island and could only have 5 books with me , two of them would be by James Joyce.

Bloomsday is a commemoration observed annually on 16 June in Dublin and elsewhere to celebrate the life of Irish writer James Joyce and relive the events in his novel Ulysses, all of which took place on the same day in Dublin in 1904. The name derives from Leopold Bloom, the protagonist of Ulysses. 16 June was the date of Joyce's first outing with his wife-to-be, Nora Barnacle, when they walked to the Dublin urban village of Ringsend.


Here is a little bit of Joyce to get you in the mood- for the day. Enjoy.

know them well who was the first person in the universe before there was anybody that made it all who ah that they dont know neither do I so there you are they might as well try to stop the sun from rising tomorrow the sun shines for you he said the day we were lying among the rhododendrons on Howth head in the grey tweed suit and his straw hat the day I got him to propose to me yes first I gave him the bit of seedcake out of my mouth and it was leapyear like now yes 16 years ago my God after that long kiss I near lost my breath yes he said I was a flower of the mountain yes so we are flowers all a womans body yes that was one true thing he said in his life and the sun shines for you today yes that was why I liked him because I saw he understood or felt what a woman is and I knew I could always get round him and I gave him all the pleasure I could leading him on till he asked me to say yes and I wouldnt answer first only looked out over the sea and the sky I was thinking of so many things he didnt know of Mulvey and Mr Stanhope and Hester and father and old captain Groves and the sailors playing all birds fly and I say stoop and washing up dishes they called it on the pier and the sentry in front of the governors house with the thing round his white helmet poor devil half roasted and the Spanish girls laughing in their shawls and their tall combs and the auctions in the morning the Greeks and the jews and the Arabs and the devil knows who else from all the ends of Europe and Duke street and the fowl market all clucking outside Larby Sharons and the poor donkeys slipping half asleep and the vague fellows in the cloaks asleep in the shade on the steps and the big wheels of the carts of the bulls and the old castle thousands of years old yes and those handsome Moors all in white and turbans like kings asking you to sit down in their little bit of a shop and Ronda with the old windows of the posadas 2 glancing eyes a lattice hid for her lover to kiss the iron and the wineshops half open at night and the castanets and the night we missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman going about serene with his lamp and O that awful deepdown torrent O and the sea the sea crimson sometimes like fire and the glorious sunsets and the figtrees in the Alameda gardens yes and all the queer little streets and the pink and blue and yellow houses and the rosegardens and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.

Maybe next year I can celebate it proper in Dublin

This has nothing to do with mental health, it's a PSA for something else

see more Lolcats and funny pictures


Doesn't everyone want a save a cat's life? You get a best friend and comedic actions, and save a life.

And for what it is worth, I got Holly through Petfinder.

The Cat in the hat on aging

Just for Friday. TGIF!


(Click on image to make it bigger)




Just in case you weren't feeling too old today:
The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
The CD was introduced two years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been microwaved.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ', or 'de plane Boss, de plane'.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Safari 4- Dude, don't install,HelP!

This has nothing to do with anything, but any Mac users who upgraded to new Safari 4, don't!

I lost my RSS feeds, they refuse to load.

I cannot uninstall and go back to Safari 3.

Come on Apple, what did ya do? Bring back my RSS feeds! Anyone have any ideas?

Wordless Wednesday- Wor$t $lide $tory

I think this video says it all.
For every person I know still working on Wall Street- and those who don't anymore

Just For Fun- My All Time 25 Favorite TV Shows

I have been really depressed with the med change, so lets do something funny. In alphabetical order, my 25 all time favorite TV Shows during my life.


1. Arrested Development

2. Barney Miller

3. Black Adder

4. Bugs Bunny

5. Columbo

6. Fairly Odd Parents

7. Family Guy

8. Fawlty Towers

9. Futureama

10. Hell's Kitchen (US)

11. House

12. Kitchen Nightmares (US)

13. Law and Order

14. Law and Order: CI

15. Monk

16. Monty Python

17. Psych

18. Red Dwarf

19. Ren and Stimpy

20. Rocko's Modern Life

21. Spongebob Square Pants

22. The Muppet Show

23. The Simpsons

24. The Sopranos

25. The Critic




I suppose I should also add "I Claudius" to the list, since it inspired me to be a History Minor. And I forgot "Seinfeld"

Migraine

Currently battling the worst migraine I have had in many years. Bucket next to me.


Hopefully be back on line tomorrow.


Meanwhile, for something to read, please check out this piece from Philip Dawdy at Furious Seasons, about the death of a 3 year old supposedly from Seroquel and Geodon. I only gave it a cursory read,, and notice in my feeder several other bloggers are also mirroring it.

Also regarding Philip Dawdy, he is currently on his quarterly fund drive. If you haven't contributed, please do. EVery dollar helps.

For my doggie lover friends

I have a reader who thinks I am probably a crazy cat lady. I probably am....But I know I have friends who have or are dog people. I even know I have three dogs who read me- Koda, and Mary's two pups.

And I know my last entry was raw and painful to read. To end the day on a positive note, I bring you puppies.




Woof! Enjoy!

And for those like me who hate Cymbalta but love dogs, here is one brilliant dog and what he thinks of Cymbalta. Strange the dog doesn't howl at Wal-Mart.

Psychosis- private rant

hello. don't know who to talk to. Seems I am going through psychosis again- 2 years ago I heard voices and kept my ipod on 24.7 to listen to books instead of the voices.


Couldn't take a shower because I thought cyanide was in it

Now, the l.last few days- I am ready to put the tin foil up once again on the windows. I cannot eat, I am afraid to leave the flat. I am afraid to change my clothes. I am afraid to brush teeth, wash hair. I am manic, grabbing 10 minutes of sleep here and there. Last night took 5 klonepin in the hopes it would make me sleep.



My brain is turning and twisting to mush. My head hurts, I take a Tylenol for the pain. I have suicidal ideation, I close my eyes, i see myself with my throat cut, my wrists slashed, hanging from a tree, decapitated. I see myself lying in bed dead, Holly picking my bones for meat.

It's the Cymbalta - I know it's not real. But I cannot leave my apt, and i would give anything for an ice cream cone. It's so hot.

What do I do? I tell the doc it's thorazine, clozepin, and hospital. No hospital. Never again unless my appendix bursts. Even if I find out I have cancer, no hospital. No ECT, nothing, nothing, I cannot tell my parents they will declare me non composis mentos, I don't want that route. ....

I am scared .l just want to feel better again.

For Gianna

Gianna's kitty is feline poorly.... the problems of old age.


Here is a video for Gianna,and all my cat friends. 20 seconds of sheer kitty pleasure.

Midnight Manic Ramblings

It's been awhile since I discussed my med cocktail. I have successfully gone from 3,000 mg of lithium daily down to 600. Now is the time to wean off Cymbalta.

Cymbalta has been a real pain for me, med wise. I realize it works for some, but it's not working for me. So now I am weaning- and have become manic and suicidal at the same time. I feel like my skin is literally crawling with creepy crawlies, I feel like my heart is pounding out of my chest. And I close my eyes to get some relief- I see myself floating in the bath tub, water a bright crimson red. Or, I see myself hanging from the tree outside my kitchen window- the birds who live there, in a Hitchcockian fashion, pecking out my eyes.


I posted this video once before. I love the gorgeous imagery , I love the song, and yes, it, for me seems 100 percent accurate. I pray that no one else feels this way from this drug. I pray no one else ever feels like I do. Walking on a tightrope, like one of the Wallendas, between the Twin Towers- and about to fall, so close to fall- so close to flying.




Today running my errands, I went past the cemetary. They were digging a grave. I don't want to go in the ground waiting for the worms. I am and have been scared of worms all my life.

I cannot fly. I am afraid of heights. I have to learn how not to be afraid. If I don't, my life will run out. I am scared beyond anything it will be sooner than later. I want to fly. I want to soar beyond the heavens, past the stars, to peace.


I want to fly
I want to fly
I want to fly

Oh God please, let me fly

Next to Normal- The Blogger I missed

I knew Sandy Naiman would be in the audience of the play yesterday. , we just forgot to give each other our cell numbers or what we were wearing. So we missed each other. In hindsight, I did see her, after we talked that night, but-oh well. I feel bad, she came all the way from Toronto and we really wanted to meet. Maybe I should have worn my sweater with the tabby cat on it.

Her review is here. It's worth a read.

Dazed, Confused, and Gobsmacked

Several weeks ago, I received an email from a Mr. Tom D'Ambrosio, with the play "Next To Normal". Since I live 12 miles away from the Outerbridge Crossing, might I be interested in attending a matinee?


I did yesterday with a friend. And I have spent most of the entire day working on a review for this treasure on Broadway. It is nominated for 11 Tonys. I hope it gets them all. It was the best play on Broadway I have ever seen, and I have seen over 30 of them in my life, many with original cast members and i never, ever thought anything I have seen on Broadway would top some of them, but this play did. I had no expectations for this play, I purposely read no reviews.


And like i said it was the best play I have ever seen on or off Broadway.


But it has hit me so close to home, and left me exposed like a raw, wet wound that is not healing. A family, two generations torn assunder by mental illness. Pills, drug changes, problems with the pills, side effects and ECT.

Not a play for the faint hearted.

I left the theatre shaking, and during the play I blubbered like a baby. And now, as I have been trying to write, I am still overwhelmed by it. I cannot get it out of my head.

I will have my review up shortly, when I can think better. Meanwhile, I will keep my fingers crossed this play gets all the Tony's it can, and any readers nearby can see this.


Photo taken by P. Dearstyne on June 3, 2009 in front of the Booth Theatre, NYC.

Wordless Wednesday

From Bitter Animator-

Yer Blues- Repost from January

Been alternating between up and down.... don't trust myself to post the original things I have been writing, so....this seems to still sum up how I am feeling.



I don't know what sins or bad things I have done in this life time or in a past life to be punished like this. If I could make it better by penance of some kind, wearing a hair shirt, fasting , I would do it gladly. I would make a pilgrimage. I would self flagellate, I would do something, anything, to make this depression go away. It's choking me so hard right now I feel like I am drowning in a morass of black fog, choking off my windpipe, clogging my lungs, blocking my arteries so my heart cannot beat.

I feel like if Dante could get in my head he would discover another level of hell to write about .Those of us who live with depression but are not dead. Yet. The walking dead, the wounded. Those without hope. Those without dreams. Those who aren't living anymore, but are merely existing. Those who have the proverbial gun in their mouths, can taste gun metal, fingers on the trigger, hear the bullet in the chamber, the click- and don't have the balls to pull the trigger hard enough to set the gun off.

Greek Mythology has a nice myth about Pandora- opening the box and letting all the horrors of the world out- and the last thing to come out of the box is hope. Hope. There is always hope. At the darkest night before the dawn there is hope. A marvelous, magical thing that can get people though the most horrific things in the history of the universe, nature made acts, war, abuse.

But when hope is gone, how quickly would it be to pull that trigger? See your brains splashed out all over the walls, like something out of "Pulp Fiction"?

Right now, for the last several days I am in the worst depression since 93. It's so bad I can barely get out of bed to urinate or feed the cat. I don't have the strength to get dressed, to eat, to do the simplest personal hygiene. Then I cycle to mania- thoughts flow to rapidly, and I see things and hear things and become delusional. But I am alive. That is something.



January 09, revised June 09.
Picture of double rainbow taken by Susan - Summer of 03.

Liz Spikol wants to know- do you want to be on TV?

Article is here:



Are you going off one of your meds? Would you like to do a video diary of the withdrawal process for a major TV show? I’m looking for a person to help someone out, and it seems like it could be a good opportunity. Not exploitative, but interesting. Contact me personally if you:

1. are planning to go off med(s)
2. are interested in alternative methods for coping with illness, such as exercise and holistic interventions
3. are willing to share your story of withdrawal and coping — even if it’s awful and embarrassing — with the American public

Email me at lspikol@philadelphiaweekly.com


It sounds interesting if applicable to anyone reading this....