Friday, January 18, 2008

Waxing philosophically on the loss of friends.

I have been dreading this day since New Years arrived. Today would have been my 4th wedding anniversary.

Let's face it. My wedding day was the single best day in my adult life. I know a lot of people who can say that men and women, so this is not a big deal. 

But this past year I have taken a long, heart wrenching look at my marriage and it's subsequent break up and I came to several solutions. All revealing. All painful.

A month ago I told a friend the breakup was 100 percent my fault. That is not the case. I know that not to be true. It takes 2 to tango. It takes one to leave. 

I know he promised to love and be with me until death parted us. I know he was warned, graphically warned before we married by my pdoc at the time and a friend of my parents how sick I really am. He was told explicit detail about my hospitalizations (He was and never has been hospitalized) my rapid cycling, etc. That my med cocktail was far more severe than his and some days I am so sick from them I cannot work.  It didn't matter at that time. It did after we lived together a few months. 

My mercurial moods were too much. I understand that. He couldn't take being around a real bipolar person, I understand that too. 

In all honesty, I think the marriage was a mistake before it happened. We were doomed. We were too different in what we wanted out of life to make things work. I admit this freely, though I have never said it to anyone other than my pdoc. The things that spun him left me cold. I cannot say what spun him out loud, suffice it to say I once asked him if he could be published and make money in his lifetime but be unknown after his death, or write and publish during the time he was alive but get famous after death. He said the first one. Show him the money during his life. I picked the latter. I would rather suffer for my art like Van Gogh and know that 100 years in the future kids are reading Cliff Notes on my novel.  I know he was motivated by material things. I am not. 

Maybe it was the age difference. I don't know. 

The fact that the marriage was annulled, something very hard to get in Judiasm, says volumes.

I'm not upset the marriage ended. It was a move for the best. 

But still and all today has left me feeling mixed and melancholy. We had our good times. I really enjoyed his company and I loved being married.

So that is why I feel so blue today. Not that the marriage ended. But because when he left the marriage he promised to stay in touch and to be friends. That never happened. He hates my guts for some reason. I don't have many friends in real life. I can count them on one hand and still have fingers left over. I have acquaintances, lots of people I know through networking and volunteer work. People I know from the internet.

Marriages end all the time. People move on. I mean, even Peter Parker and Mary Jane are getting divorced. The world might shake, but we will continue on.

So maybe today while I sit here and write, ultimately I feel sad for the loss of a friend. Maybe not a close friend, but a friend nevertheless. 


Anonymous Mom said...

you're sad and still reeling, i can understand. been there, done that. promises made become promises broken, and the one you thought you would love forever and would love you forever just disappears in a puff of smoke.

i feel ya.

susan said...

Thank you so much!

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