Thursday, January 3, 2008

On wellness and avoiding emotional vampires

Before I got sick and was hospitalized, I was very entrenched in my recovery.  I did talks, and was very involved with my local DBSA. I had my recovery undercontrol, I was giving back, and my med cocktail was working fine. No worries. I had friends and activities that kept me busy. It wasn't the life I had planned, but it was a good life. 

Early in July the meds stopped working, and I got a bout of suicidal ideation. Acute paranoia set in, something I never experienced, and I was sent off to the hospital for a week. 2 weeks later, during outpatient work, flipped out again with the same symptoms. 
What brought me to the emergency room was feeling like a heart attack, I was lying in bed with a racing heart and pain in my right arm. I thought I was having a heart attack. Went to the emergency room where it was confirmed no heart attack, but put in a room by myself, with a guard as they said, "high anxiety" and some other words as the one on one continued, and I was brought to the hospital about 3am and stayed for a fortnight. 

This hospital stay was different, I never had anxiety before, I am normally a calm person.   Meds are adjusted again and this time I actually meet people to hang with. 

After more out patient therapy, I feel very fragile right now. Very broken. I had a brush with an emotional vampire I tried to help, and realized some people are beyond help. 'Cutting him out of my life was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Right now I am cycling back down to depression, with the realization that good people don't exist and everyone is out there to hurt me. I hope it's just the paranoia talking, not real life. Because if this is what real life is, with  no hope, bad people who hurt me, It will be hard to go on and stay strong.  And that is what recovery is all about. 


+PHc said...

I don't know if I qualify as a good person, but I am one person who is not out to hurt you. I am extremely in ongoing need of emotional/psychiatric help, but I am not a vampire. So I believe there are probably others like me who either wish you peace and wellness, or who would if they knew you ( - or at least knew as much as they could know through a blog).

Steve said...

I think it's great that you cut of the emotional vampyre! With that, you not only helped yourself but you gave the help he/she needed. And I really don't mean it on a cruel way. It was an act of compassion.

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