Friday, January 4, 2008

Searching for hope

I am trying not to drown. Cannot sleep, slept in fits and starts and no good sleep. The sleep I got was horrible, worst dreams I have had ever. Dreamed of A bombs blowing off and dying. Maybe I shouldn't have watched the caucuses! I also dreamt of places you can go when you die that aren't angelic, and it scared me.

The apartment is a cool 68 degrees and it's only 15 degrees outside. I am in a cold sweat. 

Took some OTC sleeping pills to try to sleep and some Seroquel to take the edge off. 

At 4am Holly decided to go crazy and tore up the apartment. I don't have the strength or the will power to fix the floor, the toilet paper she shredded or anything. I just want to sleep.

I am obsessing with the money I gave away and I vomit. It's not a lot of money, but when you don't have any and are a tight budget it is a lot of money. It was my savings from the last two years so I could travel this spring to visit a friend or two out of the state.  Now there won't be any traveling for quite some time. 
 But it's the principle of the thing. 

I try to relax and I cannot do it. Last night I took the phone off the hook to try to relax, to no avail.

I cannot slip too much farther, the hospital would involve Trenton Psych, not a nice place to go to. 

I'm not suicidal. I really think my guardian angel is looking after me. It;'s just my insides are broke as well as my brain. The band aides I am putting on it aren't working. I need something stronger.

I need a good night sleep. And hope, somehow, I need to find hope again.

Without hope I am lost. 

And being lost right now seems to me a worse fate than anything else I can imagine or live. 


Stephany said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
+PHc said...

My cat Sophia acts out when I'm not doing well. She breaks things. I'm just barely coming out of a phase of the kind of depression where it feels like I can't muster the will power to get up to go to the bathroom - and saying that, now, I realize how much better I actually am than just two days ago.

I'm saying that in case it can be helpful in remembering that it is possible to get to the other side - the exit of hell.

I haven't followed far enough back to know what your giving away money is about, but right before I was psychiatrically hospitalized a year ago, I gave a way a lot of things to try to clear my spirit, and I gave away too much in my urgency. So I can identify with that if that is anything like what you're talking about.

I wish you a soothing, peaceful, healing sleep tonight - which can make so much difference all by itself in regards to hope and not feeling lost.

Hang in there.

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