Thursday, January 17, 2008

we are all mere mortals

Things are going really well as I take baby steps back into recovery. I found a couple of books on the subject at home which were left behind by the ex and they have been helping. I have a volunteer job which is giving me confidence to get back into the working world and do something there. It feels good to be around people, the one thing I have noticed as a writer is sometimes, way too often I start writing about 9 am and the next thing I notice it's evening and I've spent the entire day just in the company of the cat. Not good. It was great when I lived in a big city because I could go out at night or in the afternoon and get back to writing again.  I would take my mac into a Starbucks or some other place like that and write all day surrounded by people. But I am in the burbs and it just seems like too much of a hassle to get in the car, drive 10 miles to a Starbucks and hang out. There are 3 Duncan Donuts near me, within 2 miles, but none of them have a place to plug in my mac, since the battery died and I don't have the money to get a new battery. 

I lead a meeting the other night, I hadn't been there in 2 weeks. Everyone was thrilled to see me. The 35 lbs I lost in the last 2 months was noticed!  (Although I am starting to put it back on thanks to the Seroquel). I was told my eyes were clear and bright, and shining. I was animated and happy. I lead the group like old times for 2 hours and was thrilled that I did it. I even wore makeup, something I don't normally do.

Yes, the old me is starting to come back! 

Then I went to supper last night with my parents. Mom and I were talking in the kitchen, typical girl things, as she made supper, and my father was on the computer watching his stocks go by on a ticker and monitoring the rest of them. I use to do this for him when I worked on Wall Street. Now that he has a computer he does this himself, buying, selling, day trading before the word was invented. 

Mom gets all serious all of a sudden and tells me that dad had seen a doctor last week and then again earlier this week. He has cancer. He is 81 years old. My parents have been married almost 54 years. Because they are so happy and in love, I have spent my entire adult life looking for someone that I could be married for 50 years and love me the way they have. In hindsight, I realize I held on to my marriage long after it was dead and we both were upset because of this. 

Dad has an operation next week. The prognosis is good. He is elderly though which they say is actually better than someone my age. They don't think he will need chemo. 

My mother was laughing about it and made a joke about my dad started to make his own "Bucket List' like the movie that is currently out. Tonight he watched the Devil's game and added Devils tickets to it. He told me that I will be going to a Devils game sometime this season with him. Kinda neat, I've never been to a pro hockey game. 

Maybe I never thought about it, yes, I have, but not really, the thought is too horrible to bear. I know your parents eventually go before you,thatis the way of the world. My parents are mortal. This for some reason is as upsetting to me as the time my freshman year in college, I went back home for Winter break and heard my parents "rocking the casbah" one morning. Eww. 

My parents are mortal just like we all are. They are going to pass away sometime, most likely before I do. This whole thiing has brought that home. That my parents won't always be here. I don't like that thought. 


+PHc said...

I think I took off that kitty picture right as you sent the comment. But I put up a new old one for my profile. So the comment got lost : (

This part of "we" is supposed to be asleep right now, not messing with this - which yes, can easily consume a day. And I type slowly and write too much on people's comments. So not as much gets done as I'd prefer. - Except that this is the first social life I've had in a long time. And it's all of people of my choosing (The writing to anyway, not always the nicest responses). But I feel like it is a good thing . I learn a lot. About boundaries, and how people see me, and what I'm not protective enough about, all in a way I'd shy away from in "life."

SF is a city of great small cafes perfect for this kind of addiction , but I live on the line between Chinatown (no) and the big rich hotels on the other side that take care of all coffee needs of their guests. I'm still closer that a driving town, i shouldn't complain

I'm having trouble with my vision doing this because of the Geodon.

That's great you lead a meeting. Sounds very satisfying.

35 lbs.! How did that happen? Was it a healthy loss or are you too thin?

Make up is rare for me too. It wouldn't be rare in an alter life. I like it.

I'm glad you were animated and happy.

I hope your father's operation goes well.

Seeing my parents (my stepfather age) is hard for me because for so long it was unquestioned that I would be going before them. It's confusing.

Come see the new old kitty, if you haven't before.

You sound good.

susan said...

PHC, I've always wanted to see San Francisco.

I really need to live in a city. The burbs just aren't a place for a single person without children to be.

I had problems with double vision from Geodon too. It went away on a lower dose.

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