Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Several days of positive energy, brain clear. Some domestic chores done, but then, as always, crash. Last two days in bed, wanting to sleep, and sleep doesn't come. Reading some old books on European royalty I found in the back of my bookshelf.
I think my moods have reverted back to the way they were in Junior High and High School- medium to low functioning, and petrified to be around people. Lying in bed for hours at night watching the moon move as the earth rotates through my bedroom window. Wanting to sleep, being so bone tired it doesn't come. Cursing to someone unseen for some Zzz's. Unlike High School- I don't have the energy to cook, if I do find myself in the kitchen, it's to grab a handful of cold cereal, or a piece of fruit. I put fresh water and kibble in the cat bowls...and back to bed, turning on the bedside radio to a talk station, and stare at the ceiling. Eyes briming with unshed tears.
Which brings me to my family - who think I am doing this on purpose. I think not. Outside my apartment window, I can hear the children playing, the Seniors walking, or outside at my neighbors patio, drinking ice tea or lemonade and chatting about their grandchildren. I can hear the sound of the commuters waiting at the bus stop as they wait for the bus to collect them and take them into the city. I long to go with them, spend a day walking around in the city, even just being able to pluck up the courage to get dressed, get in the car and get to Target where I can buy some much needed underwear. Staying at home because you are too panicked to go outside- not having any energy to change your clothes, or do basic hygiene like showering, yes, this is living. This is great. The depression - this last bout has severed all my friendship ties. I just cannot even find energy to talk on the phone, the writing, one if not the only raison d'etre in my life, is labored if and when it comes.
I have spent the last hour and a half on this piece. I am beyond tired, and want to lie down in bed again. The cat will lie next to me, and maybe, just maybe when I wake up, I will feel energetic again. If i don't I shudder to think of the alternative.