My nerves are bad tonight

I don't know if i am dying, or already dead. I don't know if I want to be dead or alive anymore. I don't know anything anymore. Even no respite, no help from beloved Eliot.



My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad. Stay with me.


'Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.


'What are you thinking of? What thinking? What?

'I never know what you are thinking. Think.'




I think we are in rats' alley


Where the dead men lost their bones.






The wind under the door.


'What is that noise now? What is the wind doing?'




'You know nothing? Do you see nothing? Do you remember


'Nothing?'

I remember nothing. April is not the cruelest month. September is.

It goes in twos, not threes

It's obvious when I worked in the newsroom I researched and wrote obits.

Breaking over the wires this past hour, Dominick Dunne has died, at the age of 83. Coming on this morning's death of Senator Ted Kennedy, it is like deja vu on the death of JFK. People forget that Aldous Huxley died the same day. Kennedy's death overshadowed the great writer of "Brave New World".

To many Dominick Dunne was simply the father of the "Close Encounters" actress Dominque Dunne. He started writing for Vanity Fair magazine in March 84, covering the trial of the man accused of his daughter's murder. Before he started writing, he was known as the producer of such films as The Boys in the Band, Panic in Needle Park, Play It as It Lays, and Ash Wednesday.

A lovely paragraph from his obituary on the Vanity Fair website

But by this time drugs and alcohol had become an unmanageable part of his life, and in 1975 he drove himself up to the woods in Oregon. Living alone in a cabin, he became sober and began, at age 50, to write.

Dunne was also a best selling author and had done some shows for Court TV.

The entire obit is here .

The End of Camelot

Weird that I am crying over the death of Senator Ted Kennedy. Does this mean I have a good heart, or I am just forgetting about
Mary Jo Kopechne?


Or is it the end of my life in a weird, round circle, I was born under Camelot- i am going to die now that Camelot is over?

My brain is going weird. I once got a phone call from my sister who was over the moon, she was walking down the street near Wall Street, and she saw JFK Jr. buying a hotdog from a street vendor. The ex's story about when he was a small boy his parents drove all night so their children could see JFK and Jackie. How my parents loved RFK, and the first time I ever saw my mother cry was the night RFK died, I heard her cry and sat in the bed with her for a bit.

I thought about volunteering on the Kennedy 84 campaign, but decided against it- feeling he had too much baggage, and the death of Mary Jo Kopechne just didn't make me comfortable.

With the previous post on Carl Sagan and Dust in the Wind, I know we are just specks of dust in a cosmic universe.

But-

Don't let it be forgot / That once there was a spot / For one brief shining moment / That was known as Camelot!

RIP Ted Kennedy. Peace to your wife and children.

ETA:There is one child left as of this writing from Joseph and Rose's marriage. Jean Kennedy Smith. William Kennedy Smith is her son. In 1991 he was aquitted of rape in a very high profile case.

On the roots of the Carl Sagan post.....

I am too Existential tonight. This was on TV earlier, I finally found it on You Tube. Like it, or hate it, Kansas was one heck of a band.






Ok. Ok. "Dust in the Wind" does make you cry. How about Stan and Kyle doing "Carry On Wayward Son"?




The entire clip cannot be embedded, but it is here. It is five minutes long, get out the candles and groove.

Have a nice weekend. And for those who know my surname, they are the best guitars money can buy.

I cannot resist posting this

This was sent to me by Wendy. I think it's really awesome. Carl Sagan really went before his time.
Please click on the image if you cannot see it. Personally I find it humbling.

Yes, it's one of those days.......

But it's all good.....I could be wrapped up in a Snuggie!

Bless You Andrew Sullivan

This is one of the most beautiful essays on bipolar I have ever read, and it's almost like I wrote this- it practically echoes my life in my twenties- only I didn't crash and burn until I was 23, lucky enough to get through school through mania interspersed with mild bouts of depression. It comes from today's blog by Andrew Sullivan.

When I'm off my medications, I will alternate spells of tearful anxiety fits with depressive episodes of 14 hours of sleep, the inability to concentrate, and near-constant suicidal thoughts. When I was kicked out of college (the first time) for bad grades, I was turned down by several private insurers for my pre-existing condition. And when my dad changed jobs, I was left in the lurch again. I've seen close to 12 doctors about it in the past four years, and believe me, as hard as it is to find a primary care physician, it is even more difficult to find a therapist that you like, trust, can afford, and who can treat your condition. And when you have a mental illness, you often have to switch prescriptions, dosage, and cocktails until you find a mixture that works for you. Sometimes, pills will stop working for no good reason, and it takes a quality professional to realize it and pull you out of a tailspin that you thought was being treated. And I'm sure your readers can tell even more stories about being turned down for jobs, being denied coverage, being hospitalized, and struggling for decades through the red tape, secrecy, and shame.

The author is lucky to have a good doc and realize that meds can poop out. I've never been able to find one and I've seen over 27 docs since my diagnosis.

The rest of the article is here.

Hot Town, Summer in the City

It's 99 degrees outside. Fahrenheit. I don't know how to convert to Celsius, but it's hotter than a hot thing that is quite hot.


Being a lithium user, i am intolerable to this kind of heat. It's not the heat in NJ/NYC, it's the HUMIDITY. You go outside ands your legs and arms feel like lead, and sweat comes out of pores they haven't even discovered in Med School. The air conditioning in my apartment is so crappy, it's brought it down to 90 degrees. Whoo-Hoo!


So I am in my underwear, glass of ice tea by side, on the sofa, it's too hot to write, even though I have something done and needing proofing, my brain cannot handle it . I have a tape recorder too if i cannot write fast enough, and it's too hot for that.

Maybe it's time to go in the bathtub, pretend it's a pool at some tropical resort, and the cat is a cabana boy fetching me tall cold iced glasses of ice tea, or water with a lemon wedge, covered in ice. I cannot stop drinking, I feel as thirsty as someone in the Sahara.

Or maybe it's time to dream i had the money to go to the ice hotel in Quebec.I wish I had a passport. I am so there.

This was on TV last night, great video, and the one it make fun out of is probably the best, seminal video to come out of the 80s.

Ladies and Gents- Chris Griffin

Just for fun on a Sunday Night

One of my favorite songs. Enjoy.

Oh my aching back

Back is still real sore.

I feel like this puddy cat.


Hope to be blogging in a day or two.

Oh my aching back!

I have 3 disintegrated discs in my back. Usually they cause me minimal pain, mostly from being, as my grandmother would have said 'well endowed'.

This morning I woke up and can barely move from the pain. So I am going back to bed, on the heating pad, and some Tylenol.

Hopefully it will clear up shortly.

Send good thoughts for Liz Spikol

Last night Liz Spikol sent out a curious email, saying that her email address at Philadelphia Weekly was no longer working and gave out a new, generic address.

This morning, Philip Dawdy, at Furious Seasons, is reporting that

"I suspect readers of The Trouble With Spikol are just now realizing that Liz Spikol is no longer at Philadelphia Weekly and that her well-read blog is now pretty much shuttered, since it's technically owned by the paper. She told me by email last night that she's feeling rather glum, but intends to get back to blogging...just not right away. So stay tuned."

Abolish Electroshock

This is normally not a political blog- but the one thing i am outspoken on is Electroshock Therapy, or ECT. In a nutshell, it did a big number on me, and based on my experiences, and what i know now about it, i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.


Mary Maddock, of Mind Freedom International, has a petition to abolish electroshock. The petition is here. If this is something you believe in, please sign.

A piece I wrote earlier on ECT is here.

World Cat Day!

Today is World Cat Day!

Love your kitties, spoil them rotten, and just feel blessed that such creatures exist.

Holly will have some special tuna to celebrate along with her dry, and a new catnip mousie to destroy.

We wish all our feline friends a happy day, and those friends who don't have felines, to think about going to the shelter for one.

H/T =Cat Blogosphere

It's a baby!

I do have a thing for pandas. 20 second clip below. Mommy and baby seem to be doing fine. Just a nice, feel good story.

Ever had one of these days?

The important thing is to deep breathe, relax, try to meditate. Try counting to 100. It it's too big a number, count to ten. Then do it backwards if you can. Feel every muscle in your body, and think of names for it. Same with the bones. It doesn't matter what their real names are, make them up. If it's night, and you can see the stars, make up names for each of the stars. Name a star after yourself, your family, your pets, even the hot movie star you idolize.

Try to be around people. If it's 2 am like it is here, and there are no people around, none to call, turn on the radio and loose yourself in that.

If things get bad dial 911, or what ever the emergency code is for your country.

Don't look for a rope, or a knife, a gun, it won't solve anything , and the feeling is temporary.


Or write a little blog post like I am doing now, while I fight the same suicidal feelings and thoughts.

It's only temporary. IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY.

And as Scarlett O'Hara said "Tomorrow is another day".

Red Tape in Healthcare

Slightly over a year ago, i had pneumonia. I was in the hospital for 10 days, admitted with 105 fever and slightly delirious.

The hospital bill was huge. I paid a quite substantial deductible, and thought it was over, and me poorer.

Now here is the rub. The doctor who treated me, never submitted his bill to the insurance company. They would have paid the entire thing, minus a deductible of somewhere between 100-500 dollars. But because he is late- a year late, the insurance company will not pay for it- and I had to appeal to the hospital.


Went to the bank, got my financial statements, my last two years income tax statements.

The good news is, the hospital will work with me over the next two years to pay off the bill. The bad news is, it's a lot of money.

Driving home I heard a man on the radio stating Americans would be better to have the health care system of the UK or Canada, but I don't know.

But I am definitely catching up on what President Obama is doing about health care.

Maybe this little guy can be my doctor?

Taking a day off

Got some very bad news- well- no one died- so it's not bad bad, but it's about a hospital bill i paid, and well, s**t happens. And then something else. Which makes me want to primal scream and then make love to some Hagen Daz.


So i am taking the day off, to go to the bank, to try to find a check that was paid a year ago- and just......


oh well. Enjoy the picture. it seems to embody how I feel today.



see more Fail Blog

Getting To Know You

getting to know you.. I got tagged by my friend M- for this, and thought it might be fun to do on a Saturday Night.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6 am this morning. A bit too early than normal.

2. How do you like your steak? Medium to medium well.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Bruno

4. What is your favorite TV show? First run or repeats? Now that it's summer i am hooked on Hell's Kitchen, but my all time favorite TV show of all time would be Red Dwarf, or Sponge bob or Law and Order.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? The best times in my life I ever had were in England.

6. What did you have for breakfast? Cheerios and milk.

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian and ice cream.

8. What foods do you dislike? Brussel sprouts.

9. Favorite Place to Eat? Table

10. Favorite dressing? French or Raspberry vignarette

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? 2007 Honda Civic, 4 door.

12. What are your favorite clothes? Things from the LL Bean Catalog

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Want to see the Pyramids in South America and Mexico.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? it depends on the moment

15. Where do you want to retire? Don't care as long as I get all four seasons.

16. Favorite time of day? evening

17. Where were you born? NYC, NY

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Baseball

19. Who do you think will not tag you back? i cannot think of one person reading this who will.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first? don't know

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Bitter and RPJ.

22. Bird watcher? Absolutely!

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night

24. Do you have any pets? I lived with the striped one, aka cat

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? nope

26. What did you want to be when you were little? I wanted to be a mommy of course, an astronomer, a writer,

27. What is your best childhood memory? One Christmas morning, my dad had stayed up the night before to put together a bike for both my sister and me, as well as a Barbie Dream House, with brand new Barbies and Kens in it.

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Cat

29. Are you married? No. .

30. Always wear your seat belt? Yes, always

31. Been in a car accident? Yes, but none of them was my fault! I am being serious! i was holding the steering wheel one time so hard , when I got rear ended i broke my hand.

32. Any pet peeves? Bad drivers.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Sausage, and Hawaiian.

34. Favorite Flower?Daffodils, and white roses.

35. Favorite ice cream? Coffee

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Burger King

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Zero

38. From whom did you get your last email? Wendy

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Probably Barnes and Noble, or the Apple Store.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? I danced around the apartment the other night in my birthday suit, listening to a CD of Sinatra my mother lent me.

41. Like your job? I loved my job. I wish I was well enough to go back there.

42. Broccoli? Love it raw, hate it cooked. Go figure.

43. What was your favorite vacation? Toss up between London or York.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Mom and Dad.

45. What are you listening to right now? A book on tape.

46. What is your favorite color? Yellow, oranges, pinks, blues.

47. How many tattoos do you have? None.

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? No one.

49. What time did you finish this quiz? 7:06

50. Coffee Drinker? yes, but drink ice tea by the gallon

Headache back, plus book rejected

I woke up this morning about six am. The cat was crying for her nom-nom's. I fed her, watered her, cleaned out her box. I scritched her behind her ears, rubbed her backbone down to the tail, and gave her a kiss on top of her head. Then i took some ice tea out of the fridge and took my morning medicine. 600 mg of lithium, and 60 mg of Cymbalta. I took the glass of ice tea over to the computer, read a few emails, replied, and read a blog which made me cry, and responded to that. By that time, the meds were kicking in. My head was pounding, and I could barely make it to the bathroom in time to vomit all the tea I had just drank.

i went back to bed, put a cold compress over my forehead and eyes, put the radio on softly, and fell asleep. A couple hours later I hear the doorbell ring. it's about 9: 30. Big Fed-EX truck by my door. I open up door a crack, I am still in my lavender nightgown, and sign for a package. My heart sinks. I know what it is.

It's my two manuscripts I sent to the boyfriend/fiance of a relative who works for a major magazine. i wanted to get an honest opinion. Are they sell=able.

The note was kind, considering the circumstances. The first book, about a bipolar woman, was good and almost publishable, but people aren't interested in reading that type of book right now, with the book market in shambles.

The other one on Jack The Ripper was excellent, but very dark, and extremely graphic. You might want to lighten it up. (I m sorry, but the murder of Mary Kelly is GROSS).


Ok. Try again. Or maybe, i can re write the first book, the bipolar one, and make her a Vampire. Hell, all the Twilight fans would buy it!


For a blue Saturday, i leave you with a funny picture my Godmother emailed me yesterday. Enjoy!


How you know you are taking the Swine Flu too seriously....