Friday, December 5, 2008

Sometimes I think my heart is way too big and will break

Sometimes I think my heart is too big and will break. I care too much and worry too much about people. I cannot help it, I have been this way since childhood.

In real life (I hate that term) I have two good friends in the hospital. Each has their own demons they need to sort out, and hopefully things will be OK. One of these friends I am optimistic over, she is a warm, caring person, and I know once they figure out things with her, she will be back on her feet. The other friend, is someone with a history of illegal drug use, and in and out of rehab and NA. I am his sponsor from NA- even though I am sort of in AA. The good news is he hit rock bottom, and realizes this is his last chance to get clean and sober. The bad news is- he, like me, almost and should have died when he hit bottom recently.

His best friend suicided in September. I think my friend has a guardian angel.

The only real good news I had this week was a friend from real life/blogosphere is taking his relationship to the "next level" with his girlfriend, an I am so happy for them. They are both wonderful people.

In cyberspace- the friends I have made- many seem to be struggling Some of it is seasonal, overwhelmed by the holidays, their families, holiday commitments One just lost a parent. Having. Not enough money to pay some bills, scrimping here and there. (I can relate to that last one)> And some of it is malignant, stories that will break your heart in two and tear it asunder.

Some blogger friends I have had to read only cursory, because of my mental health. It doesn't mean I don't love them, it means reading about their pain, makes me sad, then I cry, or worse, I resort to going to bed , trying to get the cat to snuggle with me for comfort, or if that doesn't work, grab the pillow and cradle it like a friend or a lover, wetting it softly with my tears.

I try to write, I have a couple of paying writing proposals in the hopper- and my pen is dry. I don't usually get writer's block this bad. In fact, I only did 5K words this year in NaMoWriMo, which is the worst I have done since 2000, when I first started participating.

I don't know if all this lead to a change in my meds- or I am still feeling the residuals from being ill and near death this Spring. It might be both. I know lately I have been having migraines that are so bad, I want to put a screwdriver in my head and tear out my brain stem. I know it's from a side effect from my current med cocktail. I also know it is scary because the people I love the most want to declare me non compos mentis, and place me in a group home. In fact, I am set to tour said group home later today.

I haven't shared that with anyone. I don't think it will happen now- they are safeguarding their bets for a few years from now. And that scares me because I have always been independent, and even when this bipolar illness rendered me homeless, living in an a 86 Datsun and taking showers and the battered women's shelter- I still fought back and got back on my feet. It just gets harder each day- some days I want to just stay in bed, pull the covers up over my head and be like the cat and sleep 20 hours a day.

I look at the evening news, and lately have to turn it off. I don't understand how people murder people. Yes, I've read Cleckley, Samenow, et al.. and wish we were more like cats- who kill for different reasons. Those reasons I understand, yet, if my cat was an indoor/outdoor cat and presented me with a mouse, I may not be too understanding at that moment.

I don't understand how people could keep on shopping after they crushed a man to death on Black Friday, and I don't understand how a suicide in Philadelphia, could have people cavalierly taking pictures of a broken body with their cell phones instead of calling 911 first.

I don't want to understand. I want to keep my childlike innocence that people are intrinsically good, Clarence is my guardian angel, and it's a wonderful life. "Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt", said Billy Pilgrim in "Slaughterhouse Five".

But for now all I can do is try to stop this headache from turning into a migraine, take two aspirin, and crawl back to bed, minus one cat. So ends tonight's dark night of the soul.


Stephany said...

Susan, you just take care of you right now, and I hope your friends in hospitals get back on their feet soon too.



Ana said...

You feel the same I feel.
I would love not feel so much empathy with other people pain.
But I have to take care of myself and do the tiny things I can do to help others help themselves.
There's a man on my street who is alcoholic. He stopped for 3 months but have been drinking.
Now is is trying again and told me that he has tried to go to AA but when he was at the door he didn't entered.
I told him I'll go with him.
I believe that there's nothing wrong with it.
But people think I'm a little bit crazy.
I rather do these crazy stuffs than gossip about other people and say that they are weak, they will never recover blah blah...
I cannot help it. As you I was born like that.
For now I have to take care of myself.
Hope you do the same.

Jazz said...

Susan, it sounds like you need a big hug right I'm sending you one. Take care of yourself, okay?

susan said...

@Stephany- thank you. Sending you hugs back, you are one of the strongest women I know.

@Ana, you are my hero with your story of the alcoholic man you know. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I have tears in my eyes.

@Jazz, sending you hugs too. will the dogs mind some feline hugs too?

Gianna said...

hang in there. it distresses me greatly that you are in so much pain.

the fear of a group home would be incapacitating for me. is there not someone in your life that you trust that can advocate for you? sometimes we need someone to help us in matters such as those.

peace to you.

Anonymous Drifter said...

I think right now you need to focus on you. I wish I knew the right words to say that would somehow make you feel better but sadly I don't. When you're not doing well yourself, the hardships of others can overwhelm you. Now is the time to just look after you.

Larry said...


This news about the group home is frightening. Do you fear otherwise you might lose your current home for some reason?

Because you are brilliant, you of course realize that your "childlike innocence" and the fact that you sometimes feel like you want to rip out your brain stem (whether from depression or the meds, who can say) are not coincidental.

In fact, in this cruel world, they are downright causal.

(Ana and I thank you for the good wishes.)


David Rochester said...

That really is alarming about the group home -- I do so much hope that the tour was nothing more than an information-getting session, designed to placate someone in your life who thinks they know more about what's good for you than you do.

I sometimes think the only thing that keeps me sane (well, that's dubious right there) is the fact that human capacity for evil doesn't negate the human capacity for good. People will do terrible things. And they will work miracles of empathy and generosity, as well.

Border Life said...

I'm sorry about your friends. I hear you about having such empathetic concern you think it may destroy you. I can't recall if it was Thich Nhat Hanh or Andrew Weil that I read that suggested a media free day. While in the throws of my depression, I stopped reading or watching the news, it was overwhelming and not contributing to my health. I think it was a very wise decision to turn off the t.v. I hope your migraine goes away soon. That pain can not be helping your current state. Have you gone in for it? I'm sorry it was rough today. <3 BL

Anonymous said...

Sweet Susan,

I read your post with my heart moving two ways. One way was sinking down with you in your distress, the other was floating up and flying toward you to hold you close.

What is this group home crap? I found my friend in NJ an apartment here and he's on SSDI. We got it transfered. Baby girl, you and Holly are going to be free. Call me. Anything and everything is possible.

It helps that I'm a tad up right now!

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