Saturday, December 27, 2008

Why I Hate New Years-REPOST

This piece was written two years ago....This does not indicate my state of mind at the moment


New Years is a bad night for me. Part of me thinks of the old Barry Manilow song, "It's just another New Year's Eve/It's just a night like all the rest..."

Part of me is feeling sad. Depressed. Wanting to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I realized yesterday when I w as eating Chinese in the Village with a friend of mine, that I was conceived on New Years Eve by a 12 year old girl who had too much to drink. Could my earliest memory of consciousness be that of my conception between a drunk sperm and a drunk egg?


After all, drunken conception is nothing new, it has been happening as long as primal man slithered out of the the primal ooze that was the river Charybdis and became the genus Homo. John Lennon once made a comment about half the people in the world being conceived by too much alcohol on a Saturday night. I shouldn't be teasing these Saturday night specials, after all it made my father's side of the family multi multi millionaires. It is like the Bible says "the sins of the parents are passed down to their children?"


I am lonely. I feel lonely. Thinking about conception has made me horny. But I don't want to get laid. I don't know what I want. I have an urge to fly; I want to have one of those flying dreams I use to have when I was a child, but don't anymore. But I do not know where I would fly to. There is no where I want to go other than my bed. I want to sleep. I never want to wake up again. This horrible thing is depression, and it has me in it's sharp talons, not letting me go. I am screaming, and no one is listening. No one can hear my soul in pain.


I had my last drink on September 26, 1996. I can still recall it, sometimes I can still taste it. September 25, I had a bottle of red wine, adding grain (Everclear) to it so I could get buzzed faster. I passed out. I woke up the next day, no cottonmouth, but thirsty. I went to an AA meeting where being so thirsty, I couldn't even hold my glass of water. Finally got some down, got drunk again, and went into the DT's. I have not had a drink since then. Every time I get an urge, I recall that drink, the DT's; being strapped down to a bed and shaking so badly that the bed was moving, and the feeling passes. At the time I was drinking, I was hell bent on destroying myself. I was in pain, felt my life had not meaning, and it was easier to stay drunk than to actually live.

Now I have tonight.

I want to drink tonight. I want to take a bottle of vodka and take a long hot bath in my pajamas. Drinik the bottle in the bath tub. And when the bottle is empty, crash it against the bathtub, shattering it. Taking the shardsand slitting my wrists, my ankles, my throat. How long would it take to see the blood ebb out before going to sleep? I just want the pain to stop. I want the loneliness to stop. I feel all alone. I feel empty. I feel worthless. I feel like I should have been born dead. I don't know why I was conceived in the first place.

I'm hollow. I don't even feel alive anymore. I feel like a Basilisk. Dead. Empty.

I am not afraid of dying. That is easy. It is living that is hard, and living , so much of it sucks. I feel the loneliness the despair and it chokes me. I do not know who to ask for help. Maybe I don't want it. All I know when I feel like this, I want to curl up and never wake again.


Please God, grant me that one wish. Please. Because I am afraid of tomorrow. I feel as if I have been lied to, it does not get better. All the hard work I have done, that I am doing, back breaking work when I hit bottom to be where I am now, was it worth it? I do not mind being alone. I cannot handle lonely anymore. I feel so lonely I really could die.


All that hard work, and just now, when I feel the most vunerable, the most wounded, the one time I need someone I am alone. Like Tennyson's Percival, if I was to see the Holy Grail, I would know that this quest is not for me. Like Percival, the purest of Arthur's knights, , but still not pure enough to touch the Grail. I am not a knight in shining armor. The only dragons I have slain are of my own making.

And I just can't see this fairy tale ending happily. A long time ago I use to do tarot readings. They said I was psychic. I can often see how people will die in this lifetime. I have seen my own death, and know it will be by my own hand, 2 years from now give or take. And this prophesy I want to change. I just want not to be alone right now. I just want someone to hold me until this feeling passes. I s that asking so much? But as always, I am alone. YOu come into this world alone , you die alone, but I never thought this middle part called life would find me alone as well.

12 comments:

Border Life said...

Dying is easy it's living that scares me to death,
I could be so content hearing the sound of your breath,
Cold is the color of crystal the snowlight.
That falls from the heavenly skies,
Catch me and let me dive under under,
For I want to swim in the pools of your eyes.
Annie Lennox - Cold

I'm thinking you reposted as the same feelings are present in you now as they were then...

I'm so sorry Susan that the weight of loneliness is all-consuming right now. I hope you can view this as a flare up of a chronic illness, it will pass. Do not kill yourself. Life can have such joy, and be so terribly interesting. You can bring such joy and are so terribly interesting, call me selfish. Stick around.

USA Hotline Numbers:
1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-784-2433

1-800-273-TALK
1-800-273-8255

Ana said...

Don't forget you Brazilian Hotline.
(((((SUSAN)))))
Love,
Ana

mentaldimensions said...

You feel alone, but you are not alone.

I know loneliness. I know isolation.

I'm more of joke kind of a guy, not a consoling supportive type of guy. But I couldn't read you post now without leaving some comment, I'll have to see where my words take me.

I probably should have filled my tummy with food more so my mind would be fed, but I just had some chicken noodle soup so hopefully that will suffice. I realized recently why I never cared for soup even though I like the taste -- it's not very filling.

You shall not drink. You know where that will take you.

You aren't alone, you only feel alone. Tomorrow you won't feel so alone, and the next day you'll feel alone but it will be tolerable. One day you'll feel like you're not alone or you'll be alone and you'll be able to enjoy it.

You're not Alone, Alone is with you. Discard it, dismiss it, tell it to go to hell because you're too busy to deal with it, and have a good masturbation session to help raise your endorphins. Exercise supposedly helps with depression, but I think that is just a conspiracy passed to us by the Exercise Industry.

Damned treadmills always make me feel like I'm going nowhere, and that's the last thing a depressed person needs. Damn Exercise Industry.

susan said...

Thank you for the comments- I am not suicidal right now, just adjusted the post per these comments and a phone call......

the loneliness is overwhelming, but it's so familiar to me it's almost like an old friend.

Please don't worry about me. I just have been dealing with mild depression and a lot of migraines and just haven't been able to post something and picked this one because it's topical about New Years.

I am sorry for any consternation I may have caused my readers. This was a moment of madness, one of many.....

Anthony said...

I applaud your courage to write your thoughts and feelings on such an intimate subject here on the Internet. It's no small feat.

I could say much of the same, but I fear pity. Pity is underrated, but I don't seek it out. I prefer that people perceive my plight on their own terms. Here's an example for you:

Our office Xmas gift swap. I got two $10 gift certificates for the local movie theater chain. I could have swapped them for another gift, but kept them and proclaimed, "I get to go twice." The comment was met with the appropriate laughter, which quickly died once they realized that I meant that I go places alone. Subtlety is a skill.

Nevertheless, I share many of your feelings about the NYE "holiday" (why is New Year's Day a holiday?) I find that if I can make it from Thansgiving to Valentine's Day, I have run the proverbial gauntlet of life and feel as though I can survive anything. It's not a good time for lonely, single people, and sadly, the lonlier you are, the more it feeds on itself.

Lonliness becomes a lifestyle. My boss gave me a $25 gift card for Carrabba's. Completely appropriate, until you realize that I'm going to have to order one Hell of a meal to spend the entire $25. The waitress is in for a nice tip.

As Hawkeye told Radar, "Lonliness is everything it's cracked up to be."

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

Thankfully we all have blogs to vent our emotions through. I too often get horny when I'm depressed. It's and odd combination when I think about it. I guess it is my body trying to release the pain in any way possible.

I hope things get better soon.

Larry said...

Susan:

You illustrate achingly the nexus between family dysfunction and inherited biochemistry. How much of our diseases are nature and how much of them are nurture?

While I let my head spin like Linda Blair around that question, I hope this finds you feeling better.

Larry

susan said...

@ Anthony- Thank you. I am humbled and glad I stumbled on your blog. Us Jersey people gotta stick together.

I know about movies by yourself, personally it doesn't bother me, nor does eating by myself I just bring a book or magazine with me. But it is nicer to be with someone to do these things together. I did these things on Christmas and I was fine. I have never eaten at Carrabas- they don't have them in Central NJ.
Thank you for the MASH quote. That really made my day.

@Handsome-Yes, I am grateful to have my blog to vent in. Regarding the other thing- I have the shower hooked up just right for when that happens to me- it's not as ideal as having someone to hold but... it will do in a pinch.

susan said...

@Larry- thank you. But surely you have better things to do in the sunshine then ponder philosophical questions?

Anonymous said...

Susan,

Hang in there and make of New Years what you want. There are many of us who will be alone on New Years.

Since I have just read your blog today for the first time in awhile, I just saw your note on Kevin. I was one who felt welcomed to the group by him. I missed him when he did not show up to the group anymore. He was one of those people who made the meetings much warmer and we can thank him for that.

Like everybody else we can only ask why and wish that we had a chance to talk to him and help to make things better.

Out of his death I can thank him for one thing. I have had some ideations of late since another temporary job just ended. His death threw a bucket of cold reality on me, I need to get back into therapy-back into this world and stop living in unreal world of depression inside of my head. Yes, I will always suffer from depression, but there is so much more that I can do. Maybe I just better give life another try. Thank you Kevin (hopefully in a good place, you deserve it) for that bit of inspriation.

Hang in there Susan, I'll see you at a meeting soon.

Dave

ArtistaScar said...

I stumbled upon your blog bc well its New Year's and I hate it. I'm new to the blogging world bc i never felt my story was worthy of other people reading. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and being so candid. honestly my favorite part, which made me laugh aloud and put a smile on my face was the "shower being set up 'just right'" comment

thank you again

Merelyme said...

There is so much here...it is hard for me to form a coherent comment. You are absolutely beautiful in your brutal honesty. Just think...the same depths from which you can feel such pain...you can also feel the joy of having survived. I am really glad that you are here to write about your life.

You are a very good writer. Honestly...you should consider writing a book and getting published. You have so much to share.

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