Monday, December 22, 2008

3 am again, musings

It's 20 degrees outside. With the windchill factor, it's 2 degrees below.

I lie in my bed, happy. I had put on clean sheets earlier in the day, baby blue flannel. I adore flannel sheets in the winter. I tear off my clothes, and cuddle down under flannel sheet, electric blanket, and heavy quilt. The blinds are open on the bedroom window, and I can see neighbors holiday lights on the outside trees and windows. and I can see the parking lot, still covered in ice. It's a nice view.

The radio is on, softly. I can barely make out "Tom Sawyer" by Rush, as i wait for the weather on the eights.

The striped one jumps on the bed, does her little dance, a baby version of moonwalk, and snuggles down on top of the quilt. The purring is on overdrive, or maybe my hearing is more acute, now that my downstairs neighbor, who is a deaf octogenarian, has gone to sleep and is not blasting Tommy Dorsey's band tonight.

In the striped one's version of the moonwalk, she walks across my stomach, and something hits something hard. I shoo her away, and try to figure out what she it. My hands rest on my hips, and then it becomes crystal clear. I can feel my hip bones. I can feel my pelvic bones. I haven't felt these guys in a long, long time.

I knew I have have lost weight. The scale says I have lost 58 pounds since last January. I know most of my clothes no longer fit. But I don't see it. I know I was always slender- until two things happened to make me fat. One was being raped-and not being able to tell anyone. Comfort foods became my constant companion, and in a short 2 months, I put on almost 40 lbs. Then the med cocktails conspired to put an additional 50 lbs. I know when I am out running errands or what not, i know I am getting stares. I am fortunate in the fact I have always looked at least 10 years younger than my age. I was still being carded up til 35 or so.

But lying in bed, I could feel bones, and it was unnerving. And happy at the same time.
It's beautiful lying here, enjoying life, grateful, and listening to the cat snore. I gently move a pillow under my arms so I don't wake her, and wish the pillow was a partner- the urge not necessarily physical as in sex, though that would be nice since it's been over 2 years now and the longest I have ever been celibate. But this is more primal, just to have someone look at the window with me, and to enjoy the sheer bliss of being alive until we both fall blissfully asleep in warm flannel on a cold December night.


Svasti said...

Ah... the weight factor.

Since being assaulted and coping with all the stuff that goes with such things... I've had one heck of a time dealing with my weight.

Things are now starting to improve - have been since the middle of this year.

But for a long time, it didn't matter what I ate, how much I exercised etc... nothing was coming off. I even had a personal trainer for a while.

I've never been what could be called slender, but I was always fit, buff, and healty looking. But this is something different.

A physical layer of protection, something keeping others away and keeping me safe.

Its been three years for me since I shared my bed (until very, very recently actually!). But its not just the sex as you say, its the companionship.

To let that person in, we need to make room. Give ourselves love and forgiveness, and extend the trust a little.

Its hard work, I know... :)

Dano MacNamarrah said...


That was a beautiful post. I could feel the sheets and admire the lights!

I'm with you on the weight gain, too. I've also been celibate for four or five years now. *sniff, sniff*

Being sober lessens my chances of dragging a guy home! Throw my extra weight in and the mess my room is in makes it no chances!

Congratulations on losing it (!).

Your time will come, as you have so much to offer.

Anthony said...

Comfort foods are my downfall, too. Along with Comfort Beer. I'm fortunate that I've never had to lose weight, but find it strange that when i was younger I tried valiantly to gain weight (6', 145 lbs) to no avail.
Now, it comes on quickly and I have to work at control.

When my cat is snuggled with me, I wait for him to move, because it's such a good feeling. The purring is like music.

susan said...

@Svasti-Thanks for understanding. I just realized if I had someone in bed with me, there would be no room for cat.

@Dano, even when I drank I wasn't promicuous. Nor was I when I was hypersexual from mania. Sometimes I feel like I have missed a lot in life by being such a good girl! I know next year will be a better year for both of us. My grandmother always said there is a lid for every pot.

@ Comfort foods and my mother's cooking.....I saw the picture of your gray cat on your site. He is a beautiful boy.

Ruby Tuesday said...

such a beautifully written post. thank you.

David Rochester said...

This was such a lovely post ... a little cuddly, a little bittersweet.

It's worth waiting for just the right person to join you and the precious cat. Someone who also likes moonwalks and cat snoring.

Border Life said...

You captured the moment perfectly.

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