Tuesday, February 19, 2008

TS Eliot was right, but Feb is the cruelest month

I am beginning to think Eliot was right when he said “April is the cruelest month”.So has February.

This month has been strange, from abnormal cold and snow flurries. Which suits me because I really feel dead inside. Hollow. Maybe I cannot relate to Eliot’s Wasteland right now, but I feel more like one of his Hollow men. Not alive, shell shocked., stuffed with straw.

I guess it’s obvious I loved Eliot at one time. Before, years before when my brain was really good and photographic, I had to read Eliot for one of my English classes. That night I read both Prufrock and Wasteland, and the next day in class, I had them both memorized.

My brain worked really well then. It’s all gone now, destroyed by bad meds, and ECT.

I am living dead. I stay in bed or on the couch, not doing anything, just existing, My mind is blank, I stare at the ceiling or just listen to the sound of the cat’s breathing if she should decide to lie down next to me.

That is the only way I know I am existing, if I was on a different plane of existence I wouldn’t hear her breathe.

I decided I would try to catch pneumonia, so I could go to a different plane. I washed my hair, but didn’t dry it, opened the windows where it was 30 degrees F outside. I lay on the couch, and closed my eyes. Of course nothing happened, it was a stupid idea that only a blonde like me would come up with. Oh well.

But I heard one of my neighbors having a huge fight. I have a neighbor on the side, a young man, fresh out high school. I don’t know him very well, he works at a restaurant during the late shift, and when he comes home in the morning, he blares rap music out of his 91 Saturn.

His girlfriend left him, I saw a U-haul in a parking space, and she was putting things in it, yelling that she wasted the last few months of her life with him, and he was taking her for granted, yadda yadda yadda.

On the other side of me, two doors down , there is a nice older man. He is living with a very nice woman he’s been through a divorce from hell. Earlier this week she left him as well.

Maybe there is something in Spring, at least earlier in the week before the weather went crazy and abnormally cold. Shed your winter fat, go to the gym, because summer is coming, the time of short shorts and bikinis. Shed a bad relationship. It’s as easy to do as shedding off the Winter 10.

Contrast to the new neighbor living below me. She is a woman in her mid 80s, and she and her husband have been married almost 60 years.

Her husband had a stroke, and is a nursing home. So she had to move from an upstairs apartment like mine, to a downstairs, so he can get around easier when he gets home.

I think it is wonderful to be married that long. But then, I don’t know. Maybe the secret to having a successful relationship is to share your soul with someone.

And the only person I can share my soul with is sleeping now, dreaming of fishies and birdies.


Merelyme said...

hello there...just stopping by to visit. yeah...living in an apartment...you can hear all sorts of interesting things...bits and pieces of life. i really like the way you write. i shall visit more often.

Stephany said...
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