Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Hell on Earth

The other night I pulled out Dante and started to read.Dante is not a good choice to read if you are in a crippling depressive episode.


Crippling yes. Getting out of bed is pure torture, unless it is to use the bathroom. Talking on the phone is like a canary in a coal mine clutching for air.

I can barely walk to the kitchen to change the cat box and put more kibble in her bowl, and give her a fresh bowl of cold ice water.

Crawl back to bed, hold stuffed animal tight and wait- for what? Death?

Because I could not stop for death
He kindly stopped for me.


Yeah right. He's stopping for me. Thanks Emily. Even Dante, with his wood of suicides and the birds pecking seems better than this. At least the birds aren't pooping on you too.

I just want to stay alive and if it means bed, unable to move, so be it. It will either pass, or. or... or....

I will be taking a dirt bath next to my grandparents in the family plot. Nice cemetery, but the plot faces Bloomies. That sounds like hell to me. I wonder what Dante would think of that.

16 comments:

sallyo said...

I hope you feel better soon!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Susan... *offers a hug if you like them* Keep holding that stuffed animal--the physical act can be metaphorical for the mental idea of 'holding on' that you are doing. Be gentle with yourself, and know that someone is sending kind thoughts your way.

Comforting tailwags,
Littlewolf

NOS said...

I'm with you there, Susan. But please, PRETTY PLEASE contact someone if you need to do so. But do know that you are not alone in your struggles and that someone (i.e., me) is sending love your way.

Please keep me/us posted so I/we know you're (relatively) okay.

Wishing you the best,
NOS

Ari said...

Depression is a horror to go through. I hope this passes soon.

NOS said...

Oh, and I know I've heard this somewhere before, but...

If you're going through hell, keep going.

NOS

sjAimee said...

I hope you are feeling better soon!

WillSpirit said...

You are not alone. This is my first visit to your site, and I am sorry to meet you at such a low point. Remember that depression does wax and wane. You *will* feel better if you hang in there. It doesn't seem true, I know, but it is. My heart extends its arms to you. Peace.

susan said...

@Salllyo- thank you. I think it's just a bump in the road.

@Littlewolf, thank you. iwish I had a doggie.

@NOS-I know to contact someone. I think I am just venting on this blog page and maybe i shouldn't do that so often.

@Ari, I agree, depression is a b**ch.

susan said...

@SJ Aimee- thank you.

@WillSpirit- thank you. I feel better today.

Bitter Animator said...

Blog pages are for venting on. Glad you're feeling a little better today, Susan.

Sisyphusgal said...

You should vent as often as you like. I offer you some lyrics from a Cat Stevens song (although I like the kristen hersh version much better).

Trouble
Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much too much for me

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair

I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there

Trouble
Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
and it's too much for me today

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I've seen your eyes
and I can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me

I'm beat, I'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Trouble
Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Trouble
Oh trouble please be kind
I don't want no fight
And I haven't got a lot of time

susan said...

@Sisyphusgal- I LOVE Cat Stevens.. ........ I didn't know this song. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

When you are feeling so bad do you call anyone? Family, friends, or better yet the Doctor? Doctor would seem like a good choice. Maybe your meds need adjusting.

susan said...

Anon, I did talk to my pdoc and got some blood work done. I see her again next week to discuss a med adjustment.

Annapurna Moffatt said...

I know I'm several days late, but.... ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

susan said...

Thank you Annapurna!

Related Posts with Thumbnails