Thursday, July 30, 2009

Headache gone, what remains is worse......

The Migraine left about half hour ago. i got some tea, toast and marmalade down, and now......

Now comes the suicidal ideation and the existential despair. Of course, it's night. it's the type of thing, nestled with an anxiety attack that makes grown men want to eat their guns, instead of steak for dinner.

it's 95 degrees in my apartment, even with the air on, I've been dealing with brownouts all day. I shall turn off the computer, go take an ice cold bath, and then lie on top of my bed, in my birthday suit and dream of Antarctica. Or the North Pole. Santa baby, bring me a nice cold blast of air.........

I will turn on the radio, snuggle up with my panda bear, and pray for the morning, for the ideation to go the way of an Edsel. To stay safe, I will count from 1-100 and then backwards. I will try to recall all 600 and so muscles in my body, all 200 and so bones. If the cat decides to come in and lie near me, I will listen to her breathe, her purr, and just feel the touch of her fur on my skin. I can think of good times, like my first real kiss, or the first time I fell in love.

Or I wonder how much it costs to go to the North Pole. Maybe Santa could use another elf or two.


Anonymous said...

That is not a pleasant feeling at all. I hope the morning brings relief.

WillSpirit said...

I hope by the time this reaches you the sun will be bright but cool, a pleasant breeze will arise, and you will be watching birds on the wing through your windows. I pray that these pleasures brings joy back to your heart, and that you smile. If not, never forget that in suicidal times your mind is not your friend! Don't listen to your thoughts when they tell you life is not worth living. It is. You will remember. Watch the birds.

Unknown said...

Sleep well.

Anonymous said...

Hi Susan,

*offers comforts and/or hugs if you like them*

Those are good ideas for staying safe. One thing that helps me is a quotation by Rilke, from one of his sonnets: "Return that heaviness to the Earth's own weight; heavy the mountains, heavy the seas."

I imagine the heaviness and despair slowly draining out of me, being taken on by the rocks and soil and oceans. The Earth is big enough to hold our pain. I lie on the ground and feel the Earth holding me up. There's something comforting in that solidness.

I don't know if that is useful or not, but I wanted to pass it on anyway. Feel free to ignore it if it doesn't work for you.

I am sending warm wishes your way.


soulful sepulcher said...

Look at the goofy pics of Koda and laugh out loud, what could be any better diversion!

Croaking in the 100 degree heatwave watching her ankles swell,


Red Pill Junkie said...

I don't know if I would like to be one of Santa's elf. Do you suppose he offers a dental plan? And what about those extra-hours on the last days of December?

I think I would become the Hoffa of Elvedom ;-)

I hope a nice cool rain comes soon near your home.

Red Pill Junkie said...

Something to cheer you up:


susan said...

@Ari, thank you, it went over about noon time today.

@WillSpirit=the temperature just broke an hour ago by torrential rains, if this keeps up I may just see an Ark!

I love bird watching. It does brig me joy, as does watching the silly squirrels outside as well.

@Sisyphusgal-thank you!

@Littlewolf- the cat's tail is wagging and it's so wonderful to watch. I love what you wrote, and put it on a sticky on my bedroom mirror.

@Stephany, i love Koda. If I could have a dog, and Koda could father doggies, I would beg you for one of the pups.

@RPJ- of course Santa offers a dental plan. That Mrs. Claus is some cook! You could be the Hoffa of elfdom- but remember, Hoffa ended up in Giants Stadium. Do you want to wind up in a football stadium there, under the goal post?

I love that Simon guy. I put one of his videos up earlier this month, and sent the link to our friend Bitter.

Anonymous said...

Hi Susan,'s adorable that Holly's tail is wagging! :)

I am so glad to hear that my idea is useful to you. I find it helps (when I remember to use it...I should put it on a sticky note too!)


Ana said...

I'm glad you are feeling better.
Hope you stay fine for a long time.

Anonymous said...

Please stay safe, Susan. I'm glad to hear you have strategies to distract yourself from your thoughts-- that's key. If you need more to do, write to us!

I'm wishing you the best. You're in my thoughts.

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