Friday, August 15, 2008

Something has to give ***Triggers****

I am drowning.

i am definately hypomanic right now, but in a mixed state of depression.

i slept last night. 5 hours. And now I have hit back down to melancholy but a difference.

I have not left the apartment in 2 days. i have not showered since then. I am still in my pj's.

I look like a mess. Every now and then i re arrange my hair into a ponytail, to get it off my neck so I can surf.

I cannot stop throwing up from the anti depresant. The only respite I have is from sleep.


When i can get it.

My mind races quicker than I can type. bits of songs, bits of literature mix in with today's news.

my brain is shouting. I cannot take it too much longer.

And the black dog bites at the same time, voices telling me to jump in the water and never come back up.

Sleep with the fishes.

The cat comes over and I yell at her. i've never yelled at her before.

Something has to give. I just want to go to bed now and stay there for the rest of my life.

How ever the hell long it is. I stopped caring.


ETA: I am not suicidal. I just wish I had never been born.

8 comments:

Raspberry said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now - I'm sure your cat will understand xXx

Wendi said...

My heart goes out to you. Hang in, you know it doesn't last forever. It's so hard, I know. Believe me, I know. I'm keeping a good thought for you and sending good healing vibes your way.

Larry said...

Mixed states are the worst -- you feel like your head is spinning and your skin is crawling.

Any chance this is a reaction to a new med that your Pdoc can adjust?

In any case, HOLD ON. The only -- only -- comfort with mixed states is that, by their very nature, they don't last forever.

(((Susan)))

Larry said...

Mixed states are the worst -- you feel like your head is spinning and your skin is crawling.

Any chance this is a reaction to a new med that your Pdoc can adjust?

In any case, HOLD ON. The only -- only -- comfort with mixed states is that, by their very nature, they don't last forever.

(((Susan)))

Stephany said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jessi said...

Susan, I'm holding you now.

Praying for you. Picturing you having a good shower, and letting it soothe you and wash off the negativity that's clinging to you now.

I'm picturing your body quiet, the stomach upset easing off.

I'm picturing you petting the cat.

I'm picturing you opening the windows and stretching out your body, left, right, upwards, down to the floor a bit.

I'm picturing the cat stretching along with you, being your tutor...

I'm picturing you sitting and breathing quietly, maybe drinking a cup of tea.

I'm picturing you laying down to rest for a couple of hours, and wake up refreshed.

I picture someone, me, God, a good friend, listening to you, soaking up all the pain and misery that's exuding from you now.
I'm picturing someone grabbing that black dog in it's neck, and taking it out of your apartment for a long walk in the forest, and next to be brought to a pleasant healthy farm somewhere way out in the country.

You know, I can really see it in my mind...

Love.... jessi

Ana said...

Hang in!
All you describe is normal.
When I felt this way, because of tapering Efexor, I also could not stand the water.
Usually on the third day I could have one.
I'm sad you're feeling like this.
It will go away.
We know you're not suicidal!

Polar Bear said...

Yes, I know the feeling. I wish I hadn't bene born either.

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