Monday, July 19, 2010

Ahenodia and the Last of the Yankees

The strep still lingers, days after the penicillin is over. I went out one day for some food, waited on line behind a kid with a cough, and the next thing I know, sore throat again. Doctor gives me another round of antibiotics, but the heat is over 100 most days and I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. Is it from the heat or something else? My white blood count is still wonky. I have a "date" with the oncologist for a biopsy after my birthday. No way am I getting it done before. 

I fear something else. I put an ad up on Facebook today, I really have anhedonia because I just stopped caring about everyone and everything. But it's more. Something I haven't written about yet- or told anyone about. Because no one would understand. Since June I may have lost two more friends to suicide and I just don't feel anything, I cannot cry, I just can't. I just want to sleep. If I can sleep.  The air conditioner works in fits and spurts, a blast of cold air and then luke warm for hours. How do people on the other coast live without AC? I don't know. Hot flashes from the lithium- but then mom says it must be change of life- but I don't have any symptoms of change of life. So I don't know.

I just know this. There have been several times I could not write in my life time. From grammar school on, I chose to read and write to "escape" and was always jotting down things in my Composition books, or on my old typewriter. If I could not write, it never went on for more than a day or two. But I cannot write. I don't want to write. I just lay on the couch, trying to watch TV and I don't know. Contemplate the universe through my navel?

No. It simple if you think about it. It's too hot to cry. If I was to cry, steam would come out of my eyes. Of the two deaths  I have experienced since June 1, one - I am cool with that. If that make sense.  It was a reader who was in stage four of a very nasty cancer, and was in a lot of pain. He didn't have long left- and it was more like euthanasia than suicide. The second one was a friend of mine- someone I knew quite well in real life and helped fix up the look of the blog and did some handyman things around my apartment for me last year. This is the one I cannot talk about. I tried to talk to one or two people in real life - but they have their own full plates. People don't like to talk about this. I tried to save him. He was un-savable, but he was a friend to me one night when i was suicidal. He may or may not be dead. But he is missing in action. No one has heard from him in over two months, and he always said he would go somewhere in the wilderness like Jack London and just die so no one would find him. I have heard from the grape vine that other people have not heard from him on his cell phone or land line either, and his FB page has not been updated since early June. I pray he is alive somewhere and will trying to find his way home. But I fear the worst, because our last few conversations, he was so depressed, I am so scared.

Which brings me full circle to my dad. (Yes, I know my writing today is poor. Please throw tomatoes at my Apple. But no apples). Last week both George Steinbrenner and Bob Sheppard died, from the Yankees. The names don't mean anything if you aren't a Yankee fan- well Steinbrenner might if you were a fan of "Seinfeld" perhaps. It goes in threes. Who is next. My dad thinks it will be him. He grew up in Yankee stadium, Dodgers stadium, worshipping such greats as DiMaggio and Gerhig. But I don't think so, I don't think the deaths will go in threes, it's just a pattern that is obvious to the viewer but that doesn't make it so.

I feel dead inside. Not being able to write, is this what men lament about when they beg their docs for little blue pills? I feel sterile and impotent. No little blue pills can save me. I have to save me from myself. At one time in my life my raison d' etre were the cat and this blog. Now I find myself annoyed with kitty and in peril of letting this blog die. This isn't me. I have to, yes I have to save me from myself.

(I accidentally deleted this earlier. Blonde moment. Sorry.)


Stephany said...

Are you saying that Pete has committed suicide?

susan said...

Hi, I have been told he died, and in a manner that makes me believe it was that way. Yes. I tried to email you about it a month ago but couldn't find the words and couldn't stop crying to do it....

Kristin said...

Hang in there, Susan. It is hot and miserable and no wonder you are suffering.
Sometimes we just shut down when information is too hard to process. Let it go for while. You are not in a good place and berating yourself for not responding "correctly" will get you no where.
My daughter had wild hot flashes in her early twenties from the meds. The hot flashes are probably a combo of the actually very hot weather you are experiencing and your meds.
I am sending a hug. (virtual is better in this heat)
xx kris

Anonymous said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your friends. I've had a friend commit suicide as well and the sting is like no other. I'm sending you hugs.


Be well,

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Thank you for your time reading, do not give up the chance to even know, know no loss to you!

Stephany said...

Well, Pete has a lot of ppl who read his blog, so hopefully he will find some support there, if he checks it.

susan said...

Thank you Stephany. Hugs to you and Koda.

David Stein said...

"This isn't me. I have to, yes I have to save me from myself."

I think this sums up what has been happening with a lot of us the last couple of months. I don't know what is going on, but I have been in a stupor of nothingness, and emotionlessness (if that is a word).

So I know somewhat how you are feeling. There are days when I can't cry and/or emote, even when I really want to. But as your quote said, we must save ourselves from ourselves.

I am sorry you had to go through those two deaths and I hope you are doing well. You are an amazing writer, and contrary to your statement in the post, I thought it was fine. None of us are perfect and it is that imperfectness that I think should keep us going.

I hope you are able to work everything out and I look forward to reading more of your work :)

Stay strong,


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