3 am Dark Night of the Soul

Even with the sleeping pills, I slept for 20 minutes. Woke up drenched in sweat, took a shower, put fresh sheets on the bed.

The moon is staring at me through slits in the Venetian blinds.

I lie in bed, trying to get comfortable. I put the sheet over my body, up to my breasts, adjust the pillow and close my eyes. And lie there. No good.

I take an extra pillow, lie on my left side in a fetal position. Hold pillow up to my neck and breasts for the top, curling my stomach around it's middle and my knees at the bottom. And hold it tightly wishing it was someone holding me, and I was holding him, tightly, my arms around his back, my legs entertwined with his. My mind is racing and it goes down to the proverbial gutter, I wish I was in someone's arms, him holding me, kissing me with long slow kisses, while something else is doing long slow strokes inside me.

It's the summer heat. Who this said person is, I don't know. I will never meet who ever it might be, my Mr. Right. That part of my life is over, dead. It's dead and gone, lady, it's dead and gone.

I am alone. At this hour of the night I feel like I am the only person left alive in the universe. My brain is raging, the heat in my apartment, hovering around 95 degrees is oppressive. My mind is playing tricks, and I want to fool the reaper, not fear him.

I try once more to sleep, but once again, sleep proves to be impossible. I lay on my back, my side, nothing. The air conditioning box spits out a cold blast every now and then but it barely makes a dent in apartment. I will lie back in bed, eyes closed, room lit by strands of moon and stars and wait til the dawn. Maybe, if I am lucky, I can get another 20 minutes of respite.