Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Epicedium


A blood red rose
mere token of affection
mocks me
from a silvery vase
encompassing the stem.



Blindly, it stretches towards light
from a bare bulb on a cluttered desk.

Blood flows
in minute drops
on silky soft petals.
Bleeding fingers-
damn hemophiliac.


Will you put on a tourniquet
before my life ebbs out.


(Previously published on Soulful Sepulcher- thanks Stephany for giving me a start with my poetry!)

Photo used with permission from Fabio,

Saturday, September 27, 2008

RIP Paul Newman






Screen Legend Paul Newman Dies at 83 of Cancer


NEW HAVEN, Conn. —

Paul Newman, the Academy-Award winning superstar who personified cool as an activist, race car driver, popcorn impresario and the anti-hero of such films as "Hud," "Cool Hand Luke" and "The Color of Money," has died. He was 83.
Newman died Friday after a long battle with cancer at his farmhouse near Westport, publicist Jeff Sanderson said. He was surrounded by his family and close friends.

In May, Newman he had dropped plans to direct a fall production of "Of Mice and Men," citing unspecified health issues.

In August, he finished chemotherapy and told his family he wanted to die at home. He was given only weeks to live.


He got his start in theater and on television during the 1950s, and went on to become one of the world's most enduring and popular film stars, a legend held in awe by his peers.

He was nominated for Oscars 10 times, winning one regular award for "The Color of Money" and two honorary ones, and had major roles in more than 50 motion pictures, including "Exodus," "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," "The Verdict," "The Sting" and "Absence of Malice."

Newman worked with some of the greatest directors of the past half century, from Alfred Hitchcock and John Huston to Robert Altman, Martin Scorsese and the Coen brothers. His co-stars included Elizabeth Taylor, Lauren Bacall, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks and, most famously, Robert Redford, his sidekick in "Butch Cassidy" and "The Sting."

He sometimes teamed with his wife and fellow Oscar winner, Joanne Woodward, with whom he had one of Hollywood's rare long-term marriages.

"I have steak at home, why go out for hamburger?" Newman told Playboy magazine when asked if he was tempted to stray. They wed in 1958, around the same time they both appeared in "The Long Hot Summer," and Newman directed her in several films, including "Rachel, Rachel" and "The Glass Menagerie."

For Gianna

A cat fix. Last video of the kittens, Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Shhh. It's a secret


New Blog coming soon....

Details soon....

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Happy Anniversary-No Words Necessary




September 26, 1996-September 26, 2008

8 Tips To Manage Financial Stress

I am feeling poorly today, so I am posting something the brilliant blogger Therese Bouchard posted last week in her award winning blog "Beyond Blue'. If you have not seen her blog, follow the hyperlink on my blog roll. Thank you Therese for letting me post this!

***********************************





Like most dinner conversations last night, ours was about Wall Street and our course of action. As Eric and I talked about what best to do at a time of financial crisis, it occurred to me that the same tools that I use for my general anxiety disorder can be applied to Wall Street Anxiety: when you fret about losing your home, car, stocks, junk bonds, retirement savings, college funds, and everything else in the lyrics of a bad country song (truck, sorry forgot the truck).


1. Ignore Amy
The amygdala, the almond shaped group of neurons in the limbic system of the brain, is considered by most neurobiologists our fear system, and it acts like an ape or a how a human would have acted, say, back when we still had lots of hair all over. The adrenaline that you are feeling when you see stock exchange plummet is the amydala getting crazy, hosting a party in your head, whatever. I call my amygdala "Amy." And whenever I panic, I tell her to go take a nap, that I can't tolerate her noise and ruckus right now.


2. Distract Yourself
It's not easy to quiet your amygdala, which is why the best thing you can do for yourself at times is to distract yourself. My mom knew the importance of this point when she knitted 100 blankets the year my dad left. For every occasion for about 10 years, everyone would receive an afghan as a gift. Until she stopped getting invited. (Just kidding.) This activity pulled her through the worst years of her life.


3. Surrender Control
The most uncomfortable part of a Wall Street crash is the lack of control most of us feel. It's contrary to our human psychology. We want to drive the car, or at least be the passenger in the front seat giving directions. But in an economic downturn, we're not even in the car. We have no say on which rest stations we are stopping at. In fact, much of the time if feels like we are riding in the trailer hitched to the back of the car. With the horses. Admitting that we're not in control can be somewhat liberating. Because the stock market is life: you win some, you lose some, and you don't have a whole lot of say in the whole matter.


4. Know Thyself
This is a great point Eric made last night as we talked about a friend of ours who always freaks when the stock market dives. She sells all of her stocks and then invests again when they go back up. And she loses a lot of money in the process. Eric said, "Her problem is that she doesn't know her risk tolerance. If she would realize that she has a low risk tolerance, then she'd see that she'd be better off in bonds and more conservative investments. Instead, she pulls out whenever there's movement on Wall Street." Just like every other kind of anxiety, knowing yourself can lead you to a path of peace.


5. Turn It Off
Just like I said in my post "8 Ways to Manage Anxiety on an Anniversary," one of the worst things you can do for your amygdala, or fear system in the brain, is to keep the TV and radio tuned into the latest news on Wall Street, to keep checking cnn.com to find out what the newest number is. This kind of compulsive behavior is toxic for the obsessive, sensitive folks who are prone to anxiety even without a reporter telling them to run for cover. Treat your amygdala well. Turn the news off. Except for this piece, of course.


6. Get Greedy
This point may seem contrary to the others, but I have studied investment strategies, and think there's logic to what Warren Buffet once said: "When everyone is fearsome, that's the time to be greedy, and when everyone's greedy, that's the time to be fearsome." What does he mean? If after you analyze your risk tolerance and decide you do want to keep some stocks in the market, then this is the time to buy. It's the same sort of logic I describe in my "12 Depression Busters" : when the last thing you want to do is to get dressed and say hello to some folks, that is the time when doing so is more important than ever.


7. Do Nothing
If you realize that your risk tolerance is quite low or if you have absolutely no money to invest, you can relax and do nothing. A story I read the other day profiled a guy who threw away his PIN number so that he couldn't check his stocks any more. Just knowing that downturns are part of the economic process for the reward of high gains--that you have to risk volatility to acquire any profit and that this is all the nature of the beast--can sometimes help you sit tight and hang on during the wild ride.


8. Trust
I often make the point in dealing with severe depression that you absolutely have to trust that you won't always feel so horrible and hopeless, that you WILL get better. Part of successful cognitive behavioral therapy is trusting in that optimistic message. It has the power to pull you forward. So know this: the economy will run its course and the stock market WILL recover.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Arte Y Pico


I am behind on blog awards. I am giving out the Arte Y Pico award today, and will be passing out other ones shortly.

Stephany, from "Soulful Sepulcher" gave this to me last week and I am humbled and honored.

Here is a description of the Arte Y Pico,

http://arteypico.blogspot.com/

I do not know how to do hyperlinks. The blogs I want to mention for this are all on my blog roll.


In no particular order, these blogs are wonderful, and have not yet received this award. They have touched my soul.


G at "A New Beginning"

http://g-anewbeginning.blogspot.com/


Merely Me's Multiple Synchronicities (and sclerosis)

http://mser4.blogspot.com/



Raspberry at Mindfullness, Madness and Me

http://raspberryjamsponge.blogspot.com/


And a friend of mine who wants to be nameless and cannot post awards on his blog.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Thank you

I want to thank those of you who helped me get through the last week. Gianna and Ana, thank you. Stephany, thank you. Sherry, thank you. To all those who wrote to me, and those friends of Kevin who sent me emails about him, thank you.

I meant to start blogging again yesterday, but I - I .....


can't. I am overwhelmed by the email I am behind.


I am cycling down, cannot sleep or hypersleep. Cannot eat, but I am drinking. Went for a lithium blood draw and they couldn't find a vein, so I have an appt for a pic line if things do not improve.

I - I wish to heaven I was in front of that train instead of Kevin. But I am not suicidal. I just don't understand.


I am safe, Holly is watching me like a hawk. She is the best medicine I know.


I've never felt like this before. Broken. I've never felt broken before. But that is the only word to describe how I feel. Broken.

I hope to be writing again soon, I miss my readers, and get so much from them. But right now....I just have to figure out how to put the pieces back together again and live again.

I love you all.

Susan S.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Ketchup Day


Today is being set aside, not to blog, but to play catch up.

I am behind on my personal emails, personal phone calls, and text messages. I have not cleaned or done laundry in a week. l have not ready any of my friend's blogs in a week, or the blogs in my blog roll, and I miss them.

I will be back to posting tomorrow.

In the mean time, thank you all for the letters, emails, phone calls, text messages, and love.

I am blessed to know so many of you, feel blessed as well that there are so many good and wonderful people in the world.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Cat fix video

I just came back from my friend Kevin's memorial service. As you can see from two previous entries, he died unexpectedly and suddenly last weekend at the age of 28.


I am still, raw numb, my body aching from unshed tears and wanting to cry and have not been able to since I heard the news. Could not cry when I saw the family pictures, spoke to the widow and the brother, saw the urn with the ashes.

I have a friend with me now who drove up from DC to attend. She will leave in the morning, but right now she and the cat are snuggling in the bedroom, door shut and I am on the computer, trying to wind down from the day and to sleep.

All I can say is even though my ECT was a huge mistake, and it did horrible damage to me, I am alive. I am breathing, I looked at the full moon tonight, now waning, and I am alive. I AM ALIVE.

In the years since I have been diagnosed, and on meds, and even now with my med cocktail, I have never been so glad to be alive as I am right now.

Oh how I wish people like David Foster Wallace, Sylvia Plath, Kurt Cobain- my friend Kevin- were still here too. It's a beautiful thing to be alive. Even if your brain isn't working as well as you want.

I need a cat fix. This was done by a friend and stars Bullwinkle and Rocky the kittens.

Enjoy.



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