Thursday, January 26, 2012

Off The Pity Pot

This morning when I woke up, I read what I wrote yesterday. It really upset me. I wanted to kick that person so much and say "wake up! snap out of it". 

I thought about something I learned in AA. I was on the "Pity Pot".  This is not a good place to be. 

I wiped off the cobwebs, made myself a cup of coffee. Took care of feeding and watering the cat and cleaning her litter box. 

I sat down with the coffee, and a note pad. The apartment needed a clean. A good spring clean. I need to do laundry. I need take out the trash. I need to get to the gym. 

It was overwhelming. I didn't want to clean, I wanted to go back to bed, but I haven't done it in a bit. I needed to vacuum first of all. I tied my hair up in a pony tail and just did it. Put the cat in the bathroom and did it. Living area, and bedroom. Done. That wasn't so bad. 

Dusting. Let the cat  out of the bathroom, and just did it. Put the laundry in a laundry bag and left by the front door. Made the bed. Took the laundry to the laundrymat.  An hour or so later, home again. Put it all away. 

Went to the gym. Stayed for an hour, listening to music on my iPod. Came home and showered, washed hair. 

Then I made a huge decision. I went to Weight Watchers for the first time. 

Sometimes you need a swift kick in the tush to get moving. I think I've said it before, but what made me stop drinking all those years ago was I woke up in a pool of my own vomit, I had glass embedded in my knee from where a glass shattered. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I went to AA. I stopped drinking. 

Yesterday's blog entry had the same effect on me. I was totally shocked. I know things are bad. I really do. I had no idea until I saw it in writing, how bad they are. I was shocked. I didn't like the person who  was writing this piece. It hurt me to read it, I can only imagine how a strange must feel. 

I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm not going to stop being depressed. It will come and go like the tides for me. I just saw that I was almost at bottom- and bottom if this continued would be death. I don't want that. 

So I made a list for tomorrow. I feel good about it, and I feel happy I joined Weight Watchers. I'm sore from the gym. I'll close this out now and take a long soaking bath. 

I still feel blue. I just don't feel helpless anymore. I don't feel like I did yesterday. That's saying a lot.




21 comments:

Cat said...

Reading this made me so happy!

susan said...

Thank you Cat! ;)

Sharon Pernes said...

I am so happy and proud of you!

Ruth said...

Seeing where you are going and not liking it is a great step to decide to go in a new direction. Congratulations on stopping drinking. Sounds like you are the one giving yourself that swift kick. Good for you.

Rossa Forbes said...

I didn't read yesterday's post for the reasons you point out. I didn't want to go there with you. But I am thrilled when I read your post today. Hooray! Is it my turn to poke you on Facebook or yours?

Med said...

Sounds like you have discovered a new seam of motivation deep beneath the surface. That's good to hear. Even better is that you are using that renewed energy to do something different to before. Otherwise we are no more sophisticated than flies whose only strategy is to throw themselves repeatedly at the glass.

I also think that living amongst the well can make us focus on what we can't do, rather than accepting aspects and pattern of our condition and learning what we can do with what we have, on our own terms, not bound by old routines, conventions and expectations.

So, no pity. Some excitement at the possibilities and plenty of compassion. X

Mary LA said...

I'm glad you feel stronger today and I've had those 'wake-up calls' from my blog posts too. Love to you, my dearest friend.

Spanner said...

Morning Sue (and Holly),
What a good post. You might want to have a look at this,
http://www.positivityblog.com/
The bloke is seriously positive, I think I might have to kill him lol but there's some interesting stuff on there and it did give me abit of a lift after reading it :-)

Be lucky x

Neil | Butterfield said...

Kudos to you for making this decision. It takes guts to make the kinds of decisions that you have made. Keep it up!

Adam Glenn said...

Good luck in your newfound direction! This was a great post to read, especially after yesterday's.

susan said...

@Sharon- thank you!

@Ruth, I agree. It's hard to take the first step. The drinking step, done 15 years ago, that was easy. This seems to be a lot harder, now that I am older and what not. I'll keep you posted how I do.

@Rossa- stop poking me! I'm ticklish!
j/k

susan said...

@Med, I'm excited too. Having a clean apartment makes me feel happy. I know I will never be Martha Stewart, nor would I like to be, but at least the dust bunnies are gone, and I have a load of clean laundry- or at least I did until the cat thought it was a nice warm place to nap in! ;)

@ Oh Mary! I read your blog every day... I never caught that. You keep thinking your are anonymous on the internet, and maybe you are, but there is a close line between laying your heart out here and emotional flashing. I was guilty of the latter.

susan said...

@Spanner- thanks for the linky. It was very very good! I just added it to my reader.

@ Neil, thank you. I looked at your blog, very well written. Thank you.

@ Adam, thank you. I don't like that person I was last week when I wrote it .I really don't. I hope she goes away and I become a better person.

Tery said...

That is the beuty of blogging. You remind your self of how you should be by writing about how you do not want to feel.

It's like giving your self a little pep-talk and it's not some random thought that will disappear between all the other random thoughts. It is in black and white and you can't dispute having written it...

Southernbelle said...

YAY for you!!!! You are a fighter and a survivor, and that's just one of the reasons I admire you so much!! GO SUSAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yeah--I know all about the Pity Pot, I think I invented it, lol!

Noch Noch said...

good for you! :)
i wish i can say the same when i'm in the downs
Noch Noch

Mark p.s.2 said...

"So I made a list for tomorrow." you wrote. Congrats.
I also make a list before every day.
Keep a routine going.

Rian said...

Your comment about being better than yesterday really stood out for me. As I'm sure you'll remember from that fellowship you spoke of, a day at a time, makes all the difference in the world. I have some really rough days, but my pillow always tells me, to leave it there, and wake up and just see what happens ;)

I am enjoying your blogs, and I hope that each day is better than yesterday!!

rebeccamartin said...

Thank you for the inspiring article! I have suffered from bipolar for many years and have found it a constant challenge to deal with my mood changes. I have found help through http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-ba . It offers a lot of great information about treating bipolar symptoms.

WillSpirit said...

I love your description of how we can take action despite the fact that we feel badly. Behavior doesn't have to be driven by emotion, we can choose to act in the face of pain and lethargy. By doing so, we often find that the negative feelings dissipate. You describe the process so perfectly. Thank you.

Receiving Grace said...

I lost my job last week and yesterday I broke down after almost a week and just had a good cry. The cry wasn't because of my lost job but instead it was about how I was not able to enjoy the people around me that I love so much. I was missing them and they were right in front of me but I couldn't feel them because of how I was feeling. Yesterday I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and decided enough is enough. Only thing that went wrong was when I lost my job I stopped having my God time. He can't help me if I don't ask Him to. Anyway I love your comment of "I still feel blue. I just don't feel helpless anymore. I don't feel like I did yesterday. That's saying a lot." That is me today and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. Best wishes for the next "blues" bout and I hope you recover quicker than you thought you could.

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