Sunday, January 31, 2010

I'm Not Waving, I Really Am Drowning



One of the therapist in my IOP program means to be kind, she tells me she is the same age as me. She tells me I look ten years older now than my age. I need to do something with my hair, update my wardrobe...... do my nails....

Doesn't she know how hard it is for me to get there? Sure I may wear the same clothes for a few days in a row. I am getting there. I can barely do my hygene, I cannot eat.... It's too overwhelming to cook so I don't eat. It's too overwhelming to wear clothes, so I wear my jammies and then change into a pair of sweats and a turtleneck. No make up. I cannot moisturize or do any of that. I cannot take care of the apartment. It's too much to feed and water the cat, and clean out her box daily. The meds make me feel like my brain is made of clouds. I need help. I need someone to come and help me with the simple stuff. And no one believes me. When I share in group, .... no one believes me.

Yet my DSM IV Axis 5 diagnosis says 30. That is pretty bad. Most days I just stay in my jammies now, and write, surf the internet, and maybe have a TV dinner or a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of milk. I cannot do more than that. I might watch TV, refilling my plastic glass with ice and ice tea that I made in a big container- but that is all I can do. I go to bed at night listening to the radio. I finally put clean sheets on the bed after six weeks, a record for me. I really need help with the little things, the house work, the mouse work, the grocery shopping, going to the laundrymat, putting the clothing away, going to the local mom and pop pet store across the street and getting a 20 lb bag of Hills for Holly, and another bag of litter-

I am not on the pity pot. I just hope, hope hope someone will see this and help me- let me have some0ne, a kind person to help me out of this rut til I get better and can help myself again. Because I am drowning here. I don't often ask for help for things. There is a saying in medical hospitals. See one, do one, teach one. I need someone to help me do one now.... so I can get better and help someone later down the road. Because I know this is my brain doing this to me, whether it's from the meds, or just my brain- I just want to get some semblance of sanity and normalcy back again, for Spring. Rebirth. Renewal. It can be done. I just need help this time.


21 comments:

Carter Nelsen said...

I'm really sorry I can't help you from this distance, Susan, but I'm thinking of you. Never feel bad that you're living on pb sandwiches & iced tea, or not changing your clothes. You're doing the best you can. Hang on is the best I can say from so far away, but I'll say it anyway: Hang on, tooth, nail, & anything else you've got in your arsenal.

Mark p.s.2 said...

Proper food and the energy to make food go hand in hand. MY Two Cents advice...For tasks that seem to large, break them down into tiny steps, make a list of these steps and see how far you can get.
Myself , once I start moving the weight of the impossible/futility goes away.
If you give in to your invisible demon of sloth, you will lose your real world freedom. It's inevitable. You have to fight that demon.
Two steps forward and one backward, you are still going forwards. Keep moving forwards no matter what.

Melissa said...

small steps. little by little, you'll get there

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

I hear you. When I was pregnant-every time-I got to your exact point. I couldn't do anything. No one believes me. What ticks me off is they wouldn't medicate me. Looking back, I know now that I was more depressed than I'd ever been in my life.

I hope that you get the help you need. If not, I hope your recovery will be triggered by the unknowable catalyst.

Blackdog said...

Susan

I hope someone close by hears you and offers the help you are asking for. I definitely would. But I am the other side of the ocean, in a little stone cottage a mile higher up the hill from the graveyard of Sylvia Plath.... and seven miles from Haworth, and Bronte country. I can be with you in spirit if you wish. I know how hard it can be simply to get out of bed, let alone embark on some kind of hideous makeover. That's not what you need right now, or at all. Eloquence, and the ability to describe with lucidity one's predicament does not make the difficulties any less real. Insight does not necessarily equate with 'coping'. I am sorry that you were subjected to such well meaning, but useless advice. I'm a regular visitor here now. I hope that's ok. Normally, my energy level starts to pick up in February, quite noticeably. I hope yours does also.

susan said...

Thanks, one of the women in the IOP program keeps saying , Baby steps, baby steps, = and refers to the old movie "What about Bob". It's clear she doesn't understand, but it is a good movie, and a great reference. Baby steps..... why is it easy back then, but so hard now? I just want to get well again, I've done it before and now it's seeming almost impossible?

Thank you all for understanding.

Blackdog said...

Baby steps, mmm. That's a favourite one with the women's sobriety forum I belong to also ( www.womenforsobrietyonline.com) With that though, one only needs to go through the baby steps stage once. With this, it seems we have to keep doing it over and over. I find it hard to judge when I do need to push myself and when I need to accept help or simply acknowledge I cannot do more than the minimum. I'm always saying that when I get into a rut, it gets so familiar I start to decorate it. And that's true. For me, feeling scared, lonely, depressed is so much more familiar than normality. Whatever that is.

Raene said...

I wish I lived closer too. I remember someone offering to come over in their pj's and climb into the bed with me and keep me company in the place I was at. While it wouldn't have helped with all the little chores I needed it done, it was very comforting to me that someone would want to be with me in that place. Not telling me to "be better" but just sitting with me til I was. Try to think of us, your readers, sitting with you while you go through it. And I do hope that someone physically near you reaches out. Hang in there!

Wendy said...

OMG, I wish so much I was closer. I have what you need - the need to take care of someone, and help them. Empty nest syndrome is breaking me - the animals don't appreciate that I wash their bowls in the dishwasher before every mean - and cut the food up in little chunks, or clean the cat box 10 times a day... Can we move closer to each other? Do what you can. Then do it again. Then do it again - but and one little thing - then do what you can.... You can get to well.

Matthew Isaacson said...

You gave me a cyber hug when I was down last week, so I'm giving you one now, if you'd accept it. Maybe you need to go out a little more. You know, just go to a coffee shop to do your writing. That would force you to change out of those pajamas.

NOS said...

If I could help you take care of yourself I would! I regret being in the blogosphere and not in your "real" life. I completely understand how hard it is to do the little things (and the big ones too); it's like Atlas-- the Greek god who had to hold up the Heavens on his back.

I hope that you are able to find some relief soon. You're in my thoughts.

Andrew said...

Susan, I can so relate. Depression has been investigated in my case, and I tried cymbalta for a while and it just messed me up so I couldn't work. I am a truck driver.

But my symptoms are so like yours. I can't seem to medicate it so still investigating physical causes. Like sleep apnea and heart condition.

susan said...

I just wanted to say- I am touched by all the love, and have put clean flannel sheets on the bed and moved Holly's old smelly panda off the bed so there is room for a cyber pajama party.....with me and the silly cat.
We both thank you. I love the cyber hugs, and Holly hopes she gets lots of cyber scritches and pets....

Andrew said...

Yeah! And today I got laundry done, grocery shopping and took out the garbage. Small victories, but something.

Jessa said...

I wish I could help. I know those feelings all too well.

Syd said...

Susan, I wish that I could give you a hand. I know that a woman I know in one of my meetings had several of us come over to give her a hand with cleaning and getting the mystery things out of her refrigerator. Perhaps there are people in your recovery group that could help.

Blackdog said...

I'm with you on the sheets. Changed mine too. What a difference it makes...

We may be friends 'in the computer' but we all are here, real living people, reading your words, sending encouragement, and empathising so completely.

Thank you for introducing me to lolcats. It is just the silly thing I love.

Take comfort from the very real and solid and furry presence of Holly. And give her a scritch from me and a cybernom or 2.

Anonymous said...

I find myself assuming that I can't help, but actually I don't know where you live. Perhaps you could tell us generally? If you're in the desert Southwest, maybe I >could< help.

Up until recently, I was in much the same place, and it is >truly amazing< how tough it is to act at all, let alone do dishes. I always have grandiose plans for how to attack depression when I'm feeling well, but they all go by the board when I'm depressed.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Music for Cats

susan said...

Hi Music, I am in NJ. I did the dishes today and took out some trash, but just couldn't bring myself to take out the trash....and I should because they are expecting a huge snow storm.........butI did get some staples.
I have a CD called "Music for cats".

VICKI IN AZ said...

Susan,
I am kinda workin my way back here. You probabaly figured that out. Don't even know which blog I noticed you on but I was quickly taken with the name of your blog because well that is one of my all time favorite quotes and I think Winston Churchill rocks for saying it. I also am going to go check out Black Dog because well I really get this depression thing.

So... I am here on my bed still in my PJs writing to you and sending you positive thoughts and a bloggy hug. I am sooo proud of you for doing the dishes!! Big I know. Lucky for me I have two big teenagers to help me with stuff and just this week a friend who really gets this crap came over and spent 5 whole hours helping me dig out from under my muck. I wish there was someone who could help you too.
Do you have a hard time asking for specific help? Could you ask?
I really am thinking of you.
sending you xoxo
Vicki

susan said...

Vicki,

I did ask for some help, it would have happened this Saturday but with all the snow expected this weekend, I will get it next weekend. My mom paid for a maid service....... will keep people posted, just too depressed to write right now. (tonight) watching the snow fall and watching the cooking channel but cannot eat.....

Related Posts with Thumbnails