Monday, January 25, 2010

How I Am Staying Alive While My Brain Is Trying To Kill Me

I am currently on two anti-depressants with black box warnings. And for the last three days, all I can think about is suicide. Namely, just crawling into bed, and stop breathing. Just not existing anymore. Yes, I know some how there might actually be people who will give a damn if I go-like my parents, but I just don't care, my brain is teasing me like the Sirens sang to Homer until he chained himself to the mast so he couldn't hear them.

The last time I actually got any sleep was Wednesday night/ Thursday morning, since then, I have been averaging about two hours a night. Not good. Mild hallucinations, both visual and audible. I begged the pdoc for something to make me sleep. Nothing doing, he doubled one of the anti-depressants. I told him the anti-depressants are making me manic. I don't know what to do. If this continues, I am scared to death I will go to the hospital.

It's a pretty hospital from the outside. It's just not nice from the inside, I cannot have my panda bear, my clothes I want...
a picture of my girl, a radio, my ipod, my cell phone. nothing......the only time I will be allowed outside after a one or two day hold- will be to smoke..... they will confiscate any shampoo, conditioners, sanitary napkins, or tampons, hairbrushes, toothbrushes, toothpastes, makeup, soap, the whole thing is ridiculous. It's like going to jail, not a hospital. No watches. No jewelry allowed cept a wedding band. I couldn't even have a scrunchie the last time I was in there, and my hair fell all over my face and into my food.

Speaking of food, since Monday til Friday I lost 6 pounds cause I cannot eat. I am living on Gatorade, I just cannot eat. I am not complaining about the weight loss, but that's a lot of weight to loose in five days,

The idea of being separated from Holly is too much to bear. She sleeps with me. When I write she lies next to me, on my right side or my left side, purring softly. When I look up, I see her. She knows I am depressed, when I take a bath to sooth me, she goes in the tub with me, balancing as like an Olympic gymnast as she puts her tail in the bath water. Right now I am on the couch watching "Cops" and she is by my side, half awake, no doubt thinking 'how stupid humans are".

We have been on the couch all afternoon, watching a marathon of one of my favorite sitcoms, "Arrested Development". Normally the show would have me laughing out loud, but I cannot. I had the San Diego Panda Cam open so I could watch baby Son of Cloud and his mom frolic, and it wasn't cheering me. The thoughts of death- my death, keep going through my head, and the only thing stopping me is, NO ONE, not even the people I would leave Holly to, would love her and care for her as much as I do. I have to buck it up, and get better for the striped one. For my readers. For my family, my friends. And for the most helpless, she who needs me to open the tuna.

So I keep breathing, deep breathing. I think of "Everybody Hurts", the good version, the one by R.E.M. Just think there are people worse off then you, and it's the voices in your head making you think this way. Breathe, keep breathing, relax, chillax, and as long as you keep breathing, you aren't dead. And as long as you keep breathing, you cannot go into the hospital. And you can get better.

It's an uphill climb. But you've done it so many times before. By now it should be second nature.

23 comments:

Matthew Isaacson said...

Whatever you need to do to hang in there is worth doing, whether that means watching your favorite shows or thinking about Holly.

Mary said...

Keep breathing. Please keep breathing. You have so much to say. And to give. And a cat who will brave water out of love for you. As before, you will come through this. We are pulling for you.

Lili said...

Hugs and more hugs. Strength to you.

sallyo said...

I feel for you, Susan. David goes through the same thing. He says he sometimes doesn't know what's real or not. For him, taking long walks (usually with me and the dogs) helps him stabilize his mood. He things it's because it increases cardiovascular circulation. Just a thought that might help. Hope you feel better SOON!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Susan...

It will get better. Hold on. I'm here to listen.

Comforting hugs and tailwags,
Littlewolf

Syd said...

Susan, I don't know what to say except that I don't want you to be gone, to stop breathing, to leave Holly, or this world. I saw my mother deal with black deep depression. ECT helped her. I hope that the doctors will help. I am thinking of you in this. And wanting you to get past this to the daylight.

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Just keep breathing.

Do it for Today.

Tomorrow will take care of itself tomorrow. *hug*

Deputy's Wife said...

I know you've heard this a million times and might not believe me, but please don't give up! Dying is much worse than the hospital, but you're right, the hospital does suck. We're all thinking about you and praying for you! If you need anything AT ALL, please email me!

Moira said...

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

When I think about my favorite authors, I think of you. Please keep writing.

susan said...

Thank you all for your comments. I am overwhelmed by your love.

Lorcz Black said...

Oh it should be, but it never is. Keep the chin up, it's all you can try to do.

My thoughts are with you.

Carter Nelsen said...

More love to you, Susan. Depression is shit, but tomorrow will come. We're with you.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

http://www.smilelifework.org/pdf_files/Forever_Desision.pdf

Try reading the introduction. I think its well written. cats are smart arent they? Bless er. This too shall pass. All i know is that without service, honest conversation, reasonable food and exercise, my emotions would be heavy going.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3kXdkbQYKI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmVUbuD37eg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOTdVmogGKc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFCljHJ1zSw
http://www.sweetslyrics.com/591792.SOLDIERS%20OF%20TWILIGHT%20-%20BELIEVE%20(ORIGINAL%20MIX).html

walks and anything to get the body moving help
wishing you and your kitty well :)

NOS said...

I'm really sorry to hear you are having a hard time right now-- I've been there before (I may in fact be there now) and I know it's the hardest thing to keep hanging on. But you have to do it! You CAN do it! Holly loves you unconditionally, don't forget that.

If you need to go to the hospital, please do so. Allow yourself to be helped in any way. You deserve happiness.

You're in my thoughts, Susan. I really admire you.

NOS

tinkerbell the bipolar faerie said...

It's a room in hell with only your name on it. And it really sucks. Cat's are intuitive healers, aren't they? Please promise you will go to the hospital if you can't stand it any longer. I wish sleep for you. And endurance ... we are on the sidelines cheering for you.

Once, when I felt like giving into the despair, someone told me this: pluck the blossoming dawn from the deepest stalk of darkness. It may sound trite, but it did move me.

tinkerbell the bipolar faerie said...

oh yeah, and this ain't exactly the recommended weight loss plan, is it?

;^)

blackdog said...

Dear Susan

It's Blackdog here. I am so very sorry you are in such anguish. I have just started reading your blog. You are right when you say no-one else could love and take care for Holly as you do. She needs you just as much as you need her. Several people recently have asked me what stops me from killing myself, and I have replied, in all sincerity 'my dog's love.' I hope that in enduring from one breath to the next, you gain the strength to keep on breathing.

Ethereal Highway said...

I don't understand why your doctor won't listen when you tell him that the antidepressant is making you manic. Why can't this doctor or some other one help you get off of the drug that you feel is doing this to you? I'll never understand why doctors won't listen when people tell them things. Paxil did the same thing to me. And so did my doctor. I had to put my foot down and take matters into my own hands in order to save my own life. Getting away from psychiatrists is probably the best thing I've ever done for myself. I probably would not have made it this far if I hadn't done that.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so bad. I hope something will happen to change things for the better for you.

Eva said...

Living is worth the pain in the end. Don't let your brain win that battle. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Anonymous said...

Actually, Homer chained himself to the mast so that he COULD hear the sirens. Everybody else plugged their ears so they could resist the sirens. Homer chained himself up before the ship got within hearing distance of the sirens out of curiosity. Being chained up meant that he was physically unable to respond to the sirens' calls, even if he caved psychologically/mentally/willfully, but still could hear what they said/sang.

susan said...

Thank you Anon. I will re write this piece to fix the error, it's been eons since I read Homer.

Crazy Mermaid said...

I, too have been the throes of a deep dark depression. I called my psychiatrist, Dr. K, and told him I wanted to kill myself. At the time, I was on a very high dose of Haldol (5 mg) because I had been hearing voices in the extreme. He immediately stopped the Haldol and it took about 3 days for the suicide thoughts to completely leave me. In the meantime, my family "swarmed" me, keeping me out of harms' way. That's what saved my life. No more 5 mg doses of Haldol.

Jason said...

You and your cat are awesome! Seems like you got it rough. I don't have it half as bad as you do. I don't know how deep depression sufferers do it. You're writing gives me strength. I am with you... please hold on with all of us.

regards to your cat

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