Monday, January 18, 2010

Happy Anniversary


"A ceremony with a bishop
who will tie the not and say
Do you agree to love and honour,
Love and honour yes, but not obey
"
(Irving Berlin, "Annie Get Your Gun")

Maybe things would have been different if I could have promised to "Obey". But in this day and age, what woman does? I mean, if he doesn't promise to obey me, why should I obey him? Everyone knows it's "She who must be obeyed".

As weddings goes, it was beautiful beyond words. Simple. And elegant. 26 guests. The most immediate family members from both sides, and my three closest friends from the international media agency I worked for at the time, and their spouses. A woman played piano who taught at Princeton. It was held in a tiny glass enclosed room at the Scanticon hotel, and it was lightly snowing. He remarked it looked like a snow globe. Indeed it did. The Rabbi had MS, and she leaned heavily on her helper dog. When the groom broke the glass, the dog barked; I guess he had fallen asleep. I recall my biggest fear was making sure it was grape juice in the wine glass, not wine, and ginger ale not champagne in my glass, for the toast but everything was fine.

And today, it would be six years. Six long years. I am over him, I know - we both know, the marriage was doomed from the start, even before we said "I do". We were too different in what we wanted in life- our goals, our desires, our dreams, that doesn't mean that either of us are bad people, it's just we didn't really have much in common, not enough to make it work.It's better this way, and he is genuinely happy where he is. I am not. Not with my life, not as it is, not where I am geographically living.

I just don't know why, today, I feel so lonely. I don't mind being alone. This is Ok. But the loneliness is destroying me, eating me up alive almost to the point where I just want to hurl myself out the window to make it stop. Only I am on the second floor so nothing will happen, other than breaking a few bones. I don't normally feel like this, but it's all acute, overwhelming. I am trying every trick I know from my CBT/DBT class, WRAP, but it's more than that. I't's the desire to be held. It's not sexual. It's more primal. It's the desire you feel when you are a child, sitting on your mother's or father's lap. Just being held. I want to be held like that, even for a few minutes. Someone just to hold me, rub my back, touch my hair, make me connected. This feeling will pass in time as well. But I just wish, someone, anyone, could just hold me. And never let me go.

6 comments:

Melissa said...

It is primal, just like needing to be heard. If I lived closer, we would watch dumb girlie movies and do each other's hair and nails and giggle on the couch in our pajamas like a couple of 13 year olds. Hopefully someone who lives closer can give you the big bear hug you need.

love you, Mel

Radagast said...

I think I said something very wise, a little while back, when commenting on one of my favourite movies, K-PAX ("of course," I hear you say, "it is only natural that you would say very wise things, Matt, because you are a very wise person!"). CBT is all well and good, but there is something about interaction - having somebody else's considered input - that makes a big difference. I was commenting upon Robert Porter's/Prot's ability to change the lives of those around him, but to be able to do nothing to diminish the impact of his own experience.

I think there are a bunch of reasons why another person is helpful, a couple of which spring readily to mind. First, if a person takes the time to consider what one has said, then on some level they must care. Second, no matter who they are and no matter how similar their own experiences, they will have a different angle to offer; a different viewpoint. When one hears that other viewpoint, one has no choice but to consider it, and so much the better if it adds something new to one's own experience.

Anyway, I guess the issue is loneliness. The objective, then, is to not experience loneliness...

A question for you, straight from the textbook: what will you be doing, when you are *not* experiencing loneliness? Something trivial and everyday, I suggest... Will you be drinking coffee? Eating a doughnut? Scratching your cat's ears? What?

You see, it's relatively easy to establish these positive associations, but sometimes needs another person needs to get the ball rolling.

Matt

tinkerbell the bipolar faerie said...

We have such a primal urge to belong to someone. Sending you a {digital hug}.

Syd said...

I know that feeling well. It is a primal thing. And a lot of it is wrapped up in my expectations on what a marriage "should" be or what a couple "should" be.

blackdog said...

'Someone just to hold me, rub my back, touch my hair, make me connected. This feeling will pass in time as well. But I just wish, someone, anyone, could just hold me. And never let me go.'

So do I, Susan. I am so very lonely and yearn for that comforting, make-it-all-better non-sexual touch. I am at the stage of feeling lost and bewildered like an abandoned child. I am so weary of mothering myself. I thought marriage would root me, provide comfort and stability. No. I know that now.

blackdog said...

'Someone just to hold me, rub my back, touch my hair, make me connected. This feeling will pass in time as well. But I just wish, someone, anyone, could just hold me. And never let me go.'

So do I, Susan. I am so very lonely and yearn for that comforting, make-it-all-better non-sexual touch. I am at the stage of feeling lost and bewildered like an abandoned child. I am so weary of mothering myself. I thought marriage would root me, provide comfort and stability. No. I know that now.

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