Wednesday, January 27, 2010

How I Am Staying Alive While My Brain Is Trying To Kill Me- Part Two

So I am still in the same place as I was when I wrote the earlier piece, but I decided, let me sit down and write a "Bucket List", something to keep me going, things I still want see or do, when my brain clears. I didn't think I could think of anything, but surprisingly, there are a few things I still want to do, and I would like to share them with you...

In no particular order.

1. I would like to believe life can be beautiful again.

2. I would like to know that love exists- and real great sex can exist too. And that I can find a guy who really, really knows how to kiss......

3. I would like to spend New Year's Eve in Times Square.

4. I would like to spend Bloomsday in Dublin.

5. I would like to see London again. I would also like to see York again.

6. I would like to really get my writing groove back so I can get my novel polished and published. By a real publisher, not by a vanity press.

7. I would like to have a house so I can have a dog.

8. I would like to have friends again, and to be a good friend.... that is the important thing.

9. I would like to find Serenity again, and just peace with knowing my brain is different, whether I was born different, or made different with a lifetime of medication- my brain is shattered and damaged, and I just have to be gentle with it an accept it. My problem is I don't accept it, I want to be the girl I was eight years ago before the damage started and I miss that girl and I long to be that girl, the girl who had a job, the girl who had friends....I have to stop mourning, cause if I don't I will be like Queen Victoria who wore black and mourned and spent her whole life in mourning after Albert died. And that isn't living, and I am not in a position where I can have PM's no matter how capable, live my life for me.

10. I am sure there are other things, other places to see, I just cannot think of them right now.


Lili said...

That is a wonderful list. Keep it up.There are lots more things to see and do.


Blackdog said...

I love your list too, and the effort it has taken to focus on it, when I imagine your mind is shrinking away from the thoughtof anything pleasant, as a hand from hot metal.

I especially like that you want to revisit York. Because if you do we could go for a coffee together, Then maybe sit quietly in the Minster, admire the stained glass, and have afternoon tea at Betty's.

All good thoughts your way and a tummy tickle for Miss Holly.

susan said...

Thank you Lili, there are more..... I just need to think...

Blackdog, I love the Minster, and I do remember tea at Betty's.

Blackdog said...

That's good! I work in York one day a week usually, and went to university there. So I know all the good places...

Anonymous said...

I love the idea of making a list like this; thank you for sharing it. I will have to try to remember the idea of making a list the next time I am in a not-so-good place.

Lots of hugs and tailwags,

Bitter Animator said...

A beautiful wish list, Susan.

Keep on hanging in there because, with wishes like these, it's people like you who will make your number 1 wish come true for all of us.

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