Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I wish I could stop feeling like Percivale

 "Thereafter, the dark warning of our King,
That most of us would follow wandering fires,
Came like a driving gloom across my mind.
Then every evil word I had spoken once,
And every evil thought I had thought of old,
And every evil deed I ever did,
Awoke and cried, 'This Quest is not for thee.'
And lifting up mine eyes, I found myself
Alone, and in a land of sand and thorns,
And I was thirsty even unto death;
And I, too, cried, 'This Quest is not for thee.'

Tennyson, The Idylls of the King.

I have always thought I could be  Percivale the most true and noble of all of Arthur's knights. Going through life thinking you aren't good enough for anything, and if something good should happen to you you still aren't worthy.

Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for past sins. For  sins in this life and in past ones. I have stopped expecting anything good to happen to me. A good day is a day when my brain actually lets me read or watch TV, a bad day is a day where I have a migraine from my med cocktail and stay in bed most of the day. A good day is a day I can call my mother and conversate, a bad day is I cannot even talk.

I don't know what sins I must atone for, if I knew, I would write them down, weave them into a hair shirt and flagellate myself.  But I feel I must have done something, so bad, so horrible in this this life or a past one I cannot get better until I atone.

I once did see the Holy Grail- my version of it, what it would be to me. I saw it for a moment and it was gone.  In fact, here is my whole life put into one haunting song lyric.

"When I was a child,
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb"

Pink Floyd, "Comfortably Numb"

But I don't feel comfortably numb anymore. I feel dead, hollow, stuffed with straw, waiting for the worms or madness which ever comes first.


Wellness Writer said...

When I was so sick, I used to ask God, "What have I done that was so bad that I'm being punished to this degree?"

Actually, I felt I was a good person and couldn't imagine I done anything, but after so many years of suffering, I felt that maybe I was wrong.

Then, I went off most of the medication, and became myself again.

I'm not suggesting this for you, but I did want to let you know about me.

P.S. Great quotes!

Progressive and Angry said...

Some visitors will not leave until told, and some remain insistent on staying until you walk to the door, open it and glare at them.

You know me. I'm anonymous with this account for various reasons that don't include cowardice. But you know me and I have personally felt what you are feeling, so don't expect a "get over it" from me.

But fight. Fight like that Spartans did at Thermopylae. Refuse those thoughts of your inadequacy. They are insistent and it's hard to disbelieve them, but write it down on a piece of paper and set it next to your computer to remind you every day: "I am better than that."

I'm fairly certain you know who I am at this point. And you know I support you and am here for you. Use me. I welcome it.

susan said...

@Wellness Writer, I do feel like I am a good person, but then I think of the white lies I have told, and all the small things I have done, and I cannot help but wonder.

I am glad you liked the quotes. I adore Tennyson, and adore Pink Floyd.

@Progressive and Angry,
I love your words, and I do feel like you know me but I cannot for the life of me figure out who you are. It's a broken brain day here.

possibly actually crazy said...

I am new to this blog, but searched you out because I need to be exposed to others dealing with this "illness" of bipolar. Thank you for writing. It is something to look forward to.

Progressive and Angry said...

"...I do feel like you know me but I cannot for the life of me figure out who you are."

Might have something to do with feline royalty. ;)

susan said...

Progressive, I got it.

Holly has been on the computer for half the afternoon. We are trying to fix the template on the blog.....cannot decide to go to a white blog with black letters or a black blog with white letters.

Thank you for the reminder. It's dinner time, time for some fresh nom-noms and a little bit of tuna flakes on top for being such a good kitty. ;-)

Jane said...

well.. its little bit concerning to me.. but never mind its a part of day to day life and its mostly depends on the care of the health which is taken by us in a proper or improper way..

health and fitness articles

susan said...

Thank you Jane.

Progressive, still cannot figure out who you are, but got a clue you like Eliot. I prefer TS to George. ;-)

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