Sunday, June 20, 2010

Wonder of Wonders, Miracles of Miracles

I don't know how else to say it. I keep thinking of that line from Jefferson Starship- and Fiddler on the Roof. Two songs about miracles. And know that I am indeed witnessing one.

Readers of the blog know I have been depressed since November 06. It waxes and wanes, a few good days here and there, a few suicidal days where I am trying every trick in the book to stay alive. Some days where all I can do is hold the cat and listen to her inner purr as I fight. But I fight. Hoping among hope the depression will lift, go away and let me live, for a while, with just regular sadness. And about three weeks ago, I wasn't suicidal. I had a whole day without the ideation, the bad thoughts, the hatred.  Then the second day- a complete day without thinking of suicide. Without thinking depressive thoughts. And by the third day, I felt like taking a long shower, washing my hair, cleaning the apartment, and going to the grocery store. And it kept going on. By the end of the seventh day I had gone to  Barnes and Noble, bopped around the books and music, bought a coffee  and people watched, jotting down notes in my old journal. Something I haven't done since the early part of this new decade.

The part of me that is such a Virgo, practical, down to earth, kept saying "It won't last". The other part of me was also weary, hoping I don't flip into mania. But no hypomania, nothing.

The meds- well, I am currently weaning off Seroquel. My sleep patterns are not as good as I would like, one night five hours, one night 12. But feeling refreshed. Lithium is currently at 1500, which is great. I would personally like to get it down to a microdose of 300 but that takes time. The other drugs are the same doses. I don't think it is from the drugs, however.

Could it be from the spring turning to summer? No. I suffer from reverse SAD- warm weather makes me cranky. Side effect from the lithium, I cannot tolerate being hot. If I ever have another boyfriend, he will have to expect fights over the thermostat. I like a nice 65 degrees year round.

"If only you believe in miracles, baby/So would I"-Starship

No, I think it's the miracle. Friends. Everyone on my blog roll is my friend, I read them and feel, even though i only know one in real life, they are good people and feel like family. One of them who I didn't know came down to visit me a few months ago, for coffee, to cheer me. It meant so much to me, I don't know what to say without crying. Good looking guy too. If I was 15 years younger.....

And yet one more friend who called because she was in a funk, and I managed to cheer her. And our cats meowed to each other in the background.

But I think it was another friend, who called because he was concerned about my dad. And let me talk on the phone for over four hours one night, going back and forth. Someone  else who cared.

I've never suffered from agoraphobia until a year or so ago, so my online friendships mean so much to me, as well as my best friends' B and her son. I wish I had money to send them all flowers, chocolate, iPads, something nice. Something small to say Thank you. But I don't. All I can offer is that for the last two weeks, I have been able to eat correctly, go to the gym, six days a week, and feel like a human being for the first time since Thanksgiving 2006. I am Thankful. On the scale of miracles, this is a small one. But to me it's the universe. And I am grateful.

 ETA: I realize some might not know the Jefferson Starship song- here's a video. Great song, but I miss Grace Slick, but you get Papa John Creech as a studio musician.


BipolarLife said...

All I can say is YAY! XOXO!

susan said...

Thank you! ;-)

Southernbelle said...

I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!! NOBODY deserves to be happy more than my dear friend Susan, you are so brave and have fought so hard--DANCE, GIRL, DANCE!!!! :-) All my love to you and my lovely niece Holly--and Sweetpea sends kitty hugs and gentle headbonks!! Love you!!

Chronic Impending Disaster said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better! You had a rough patch for a while, and it's so good to see it's lifting!

KurtisBaker said...

There is no greater gift than the gift of happiness, except perhaps the gift of your child's happiness. You deserve all the good that comes your way. Thank's for the Father's Day present!

PTSD, A Caregiver's Perspective said...

I believe in miracles and it truly sounds like you are the worthy and deserving recipient of your very own.

I am a recent follower, but it seems you have not been showered with too many blessing in your life, so I am delighted you have been smiled upon with such a life changing gift :-)

susan said...

@Southerbelle, scritches to Sweet Pea from cousin Holly.

@Chronic- it's great to be feeling better.I hope things lift for you too!

@Kurtis, thank you .I hope you had a great Father's Day.

@PTSD- thanks. I've had a real good life. usual childhood, great memories from college and what not. It's just been rough the last few years, but overall, I'm blessed with my family who are awesome. I hope your husband is feeling better too.

Radagast said...

I wonder what sparked that? Importantly, you know what makes *you* happy. And it's not something that necessarily causes others pain, which is quite unusual, in and of itself!

Be well.


sallyo said...

What happy news!! I'm so glad to hear it's finally getting better for you. Enjoy this time; you deserve it!

wonder woman said...

Susan - I am so happy for you. You give me hope for this upcoming week. Thanks for touching us all.

wonder woman

Anonymous said...

Susan, this is really great! It's really encouraging to hear that people can come out of troubles on the other side.

Wishing you well,

Anonymous said...

I am so, so happy for you, Susan! What a fantastic thing to have happen, and you more than deserve it! :)


midnight rainbow said...

Glad you are feeling better. I know the feeling. Enjoy it and live!

Marcie said...

Don't ask questions...just enjoy it. My boys send head bonks.

The Depressed Reader said...

I just discovered this blog, and am enjoying reading it. Love the title too - Winston Churchill is a great source of quotes and inspiration!

My therapist once suggested I watch the movie "Awakenings" - I sometimes think that film offers inspiration and a useful way to think about depression and other forms of mental illness.

This is not to say that we will eventually all regress back to a catatonic state like those in the movie, but that we should live as fully as we can and enjoy the pleasant times that we do have, in between the bad.

This may sound a little Pollyannaish, but those of us who struggle each day and lurch from breakdown to breakdown can appreciate the good times all the more. I still hate my bad days. But more than ever before I cherish the good ones.

Anavar said...

Wow scenes in this video are amazing. Who would have thought that there are so many miraculous sites on our planet. Thanks for sharing, enjoyed watching it!

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