I don't know how else to say it. I keep thinking of that line from Jefferson Starship- and Fiddler on the Roof. Two songs about miracles. And know that I am indeed witnessing one.
Readers of the blog know I have been depressed since November 06. It waxes and wanes, a few good days here and there, a few suicidal days where I am trying every trick in the book to stay alive. Some days where all I can do is hold the cat and listen to her inner purr as I fight. But I fight. Hoping among hope the depression will lift, go away and let me live, for a while, with just regular sadness. And about three weeks ago, I wasn't suicidal. I had a whole day without the ideation, the bad thoughts, the hatred. Then the second day- a complete day without thinking of suicide. Without thinking depressive thoughts. And by the third day, I felt like taking a long shower, washing my hair, cleaning the apartment, and going to the grocery store. And it kept going on. By the end of the seventh day I had gone to Barnes and Noble, bopped around the books and music, bought a coffee and people watched, jotting down notes in my old journal. Something I haven't done since the early part of this new decade.
The part of me that is such a Virgo, practical, down to earth, kept saying "It won't last". The other part of me was also weary, hoping I don't flip into mania. But no hypomania, nothing.
The meds- well, I am currently weaning off Seroquel. My sleep patterns are not as good as I would like, one night five hours, one night 12. But feeling refreshed. Lithium is currently at 1500, which is great. I would personally like to get it down to a microdose of 300 but that takes time. The other drugs are the same doses. I don't think it is from the drugs, however.
Could it be from the spring turning to summer? No. I suffer from reverse SAD- warm weather makes me cranky. Side effect from the lithium, I cannot tolerate being hot. If I ever have another boyfriend, he will have to expect fights over the thermostat. I like a nice 65 degrees year round.
"If only you believe in miracles, baby/So would I"-Starship
No, I think it's the miracle. Friends. Everyone on my blog roll is my friend, I read them and feel, even though i only know one in real life, they are good people and feel like family. One of them who I didn't know came down to visit me a few months ago, for coffee, to cheer me. It meant so much to me, I don't know what to say without crying. Good looking guy too. If I was 15 years younger.....
And yet one more friend who called because she was in a funk, and I managed to cheer her. And our cats meowed to each other in the background.
But I think it was another friend, who called because he was concerned about my dad. And let me talk on the phone for over four hours one night, going back and forth. Someone else who cared.
I've never suffered from agoraphobia until a year or so ago, so my online friendships mean so much to me, as well as my best friends' B and her son. I wish I had money to send them all flowers, chocolate, iPads, something nice. Something small to say Thank you. But I don't. All I can offer is that for the last two weeks, I have been able to eat correctly, go to the gym, six days a week, and feel like a human being for the first time since Thanksgiving 2006. I am Thankful. On the scale of miracles, this is a small one. But to me it's the universe. And I am grateful.
ETA: I realize some might not know the Jefferson Starship song- here's a video. Great song, but I miss Grace Slick, but you get Papa John Creech as a studio musician.