Saturday, June 26, 2010

Catching Up-And Crashes

I am afraid to write. I don't know what to do. I crashed. I figured I would, the depression lifting was too good to be true. I not only went back to depression but to suicidal depression. My only waking thoughts are so negative I am afraid to say them out loud. 

What's worse, I feel sick constantly. Sick to my stomach, copious amount of vomiting. Major headaches; sinus variety and migraine. Period cramps off the chart. Back aches and muscle fatigue. I suppose my body is adjusting, but to what I don't know. Perhaps an alien being has taken over in my head. Or will emerge out of my stomach, like the alien did to John Hurt in that eponymous movie. 

My Axis 1 diagnosis has changed- it has over the last three years gone from "Bipolar One", to "Bipolar One/Schizoaffective" and now to "Schizophrenia". I don't believe in labels, but the medications I am on - trouble me. I found out that as of next month (July) I fall in the proverbial "donut hole" with them and it's going to wipe out my savings to be on them. I would just as soon be off them- I think people are starting to think that too- (Hallelujah!) but like I said, I've gotten worse where I cannot take care of myself anymore. Yes, that's back again. And to make matters worse, the State is inspecting the entire apartment complex, something they haven't done since the Nixon administration when the apartments were built. It's nothing major, they need to check the electrical, and other things. And if they see how badly I've gone in the last two weeks, I know I will be evicted, and I know they will probably advice I go to a state hospital. And if that happens I will loose my cat, my best friend. But the weird thing is, I don't care. It's like I am the reincarnation of Bartleby the Scrivener. Other than not having the cat with me, I don't care. 

Put me up in front of the firing squad like that prisioner last week in Utah. I might as well be dead. 

There is always hope. I could cycle back up and fix everything. Superman- could come and save the day. Or if this was a Disney movie, the cat would get her friends to come and help me clean. But this isn't a Disney movie, this is real life, and I am too paranoid right now to write anymore. I hope it gets better soon.  I just want my old life back. 



21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Susan try to look at the upside while I'm sure it looks bleak theres just got to be a light at the end of the tunnel, theres got to be.

susan said...

I know. I got "Always Look on the Bright Side of LIfe" on my desktop. I just have to keep believing.

Thank you.

Deputy's Wife said...

Oh, sweet girl, I am so sorry you're going through all this. I hope your days get better, quickly, and things turn around. I'm keeping you in my prayers!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Susan. *hugs* I am so sorry to hear that things have started to crash. Depression is an insidious beast, isn't it?

Is there anyone you can contact to have some help with things? Would a social service agency in your area help?

Unfortunately I can't do anything from out here in cyberspace other than offer hugs and loads of support.

Keep breathing and let Holly be there for you. You can get through this.

Supportive tailwags,
Littlewolf

PTSD, A Caregiver's Perspective said...

Ugh, I cannot even begin to comprehend. I don't know what to say that will throw you a lifeline of any kind :(

It is so bizarre how we all want to "save" our fellow man, and yet we are the least qualified to do so.

Makes me sad for you, and frustrates the crap out of me!

Domenica

misssrobin said...

I am glad you wrote. I hope you can keep writing. When I'm really depressed I have difficulty writing. But I know it helps clear some of the emotional toxins from my system.

I think blogging is a positive step. It is acknowledging where you are publicly. Letting people know where you are is almost as good as asking for help.

I'm sorry you are down again. Every time I feel a little better there is this nagging voice in the back of my mind that reminds me it's temporary. I hate that stupid little voice.

I will keep you in my heart and in my prayers. Feel free to email me if you need/want support.

Marcie said...

I hope this is just a temporary downswing. The costs of these medicines are ridiculous...we spend $500 a month easy, and that's with pretty good insurance. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

Kristin said...

I know how hard it was to write this but I am so glad that you did - so that people like me can remind you that the depression WILL lift. Hold on.

Is there anyone that you can call? Some one to help you clean up? I do not think that you will be evicted but if you are worried, please call a friend to come and give you a hand to get the worst of it in order. You and your cat shouldn't be separated. How about your mom? Can she help?

You read Whitaker's book so you know that the diagnosis of schizophrenia is not a life sentence. You read that in other countries, where meds are not the first line of defense, people have episodes and recover.

Have you read about neuroplasticity of the brain?

http://bipolarblast.wordpress.com/2010/03/11/neuroplasticity-of-the-brain-steven-morgan/

I am rooting for you, Susan. I hope this episode passes soon. Keep writing. I think it keeps me focused and in touch - important aspects to a meaningful life.

xx kris

Ana said...

Hi Susan,
I'm sorry I'm not coming to your blog.
Not even having time to read...
I need your help.
A friend of mine is in Japan and he is having some problems.
His psychiatrist has told him to go to a mental institution.
No. He is not suffering from some any problem that requires any measure like this.
He is suicidal and feels like this for a long time.
Okay...
He will use the name Solstice.
And I told him about your blog and some of your posts.
I'm trying to show him how he has to be part of his recovery.
Same old in Japan... no therapy and medicines for anything.
The psychiatrist claims that if he stays one month at a mental institution it will be quicker...
Can you believe that?
The "quick-fix" in a mental institution...
Thank you Susan!
You are amazing and you are always on my mind.
love,
Ana

Andrew said...

Blessings Susan. I wish all the best for you.

Laura said...

I am so sorry that you are not feeling well. I look at the title of your blog and think "that is what we all need to keep doing"

Let Holly comfort you and know that you are in my thoughts and look forward to you recovering from this episode.

Laura (USA)

Ana said...

Thank you for going to my blog Susan.
I'm sorry I didn't read your post and came very quickly.
Depression....
If I was next to you I would go to your house and clean up some dishes or do anything for you.
I know that in this periods the energy to do any of daily stuffs goes away and we need someone to be there not only to listen to know, no problems about the crying and "have have no meaning"..., I can hear that and give comfort, but also to make some of this stuffs.
I only can assure you that it will go away...
It will.
Remember the other periods and be sure of that.
You don't have to help anybody now.
take good care of yourself dear!
It's already quite a work.
Love you
Ana

Radagast said...

Susan: First, there's no point to internalizing anything. Second, I don't see any value in killing yourself, or thinking of it. For anybody. Third, whatever it is that's troubling you, you're keeping it well hidden, because I can't see it.

I can't tell you to care - well, I can, but I can't make you care, which is more to the point. I can only tell you that in my experience, people tend not to care about themselves, when they perceive that nobody else cares about them (think about it: it's hard to think one matters, if everybody's treating one like shite, and so one gets drawn into everybody else's reality, and one begins to treat oneself like shite... unless one is wise to that particular pitfall).

So, I can tell you that you matter, right now. There, I just did. But does what I say carry sufficient weight with you to countermand your belief that you don't matter? If it doesn't, then why doesn't it, because quite frankly, my opinion is the only one that has any bearing, seeing as I raised the subject?

Where am I going with this? I don't know. You've got to learn to "complete the loop". Lindsay knows this, I'm sure of it. That's why she stopped talking: because it was too painful to try to resolve her stuff, only to be snubbed. You know that pain? When one thinks one has met somebody who'll talk to one, and the next thing one knows, the stuff that one has talked about is the subject of a massive joke at one's expense? Eventually, one stops trying - one internalizes.

I still don't know where I'm going with this. So, I'll loop back to the beginning. There is no point in internalizing anything - it might benefit others, but it's causing you harm. This is my talent, you see? It doesn't matter what you say, I'll find some way of moving the subject on.

Matt

Syd said...

I hope that things begin to get better too. There is always hope. I am wishing that some will fill you up right now.

Hannah said...

i'm really sorry to hear you've hit this low. Keep writing and tinkling away on here. it's easy to feel really alone when you feel this way, but at least with blog, you are in a way reaching out to people. That's how i'm viewing my low period at moment and writing.
H xx

wonder woman said...

I am with you in spirit.

Struggling with you.

Trying to be courageous with you

Trying to contemplate the value of life with you.

Not caring with you.

Having little energy to take care of myself or my doggy...with you.

Waking up alienated with you.

Trying to participate in the act of being alive and breathing with you.

Hiding from the world under the covers with you.

We are all with you at this moment...

as you have been there with us...

telling our stories
through your pen.

with you...
we are

Kristin said...

How are you doing? Let us know.
xx kris

Kristin said...

Still checking in, Susan.
Hope you are okay.
xx kris

Wendy said...

Susan - KEEP GOING - while you are going through Hell!!! Love you girl.
wendy

journey2balance said...

I have been so out of blog land loop... have not written or read much. But I do hope that the upside will start showing itself to you soon!!! Boo for the "downside!"

Lisa said...

I've been in a similar place. One of human suffering, am sorry you have been feeling so crap. :( I remember times that I thought of my kids, or people who loved me - thinking, ok, i don't want them to feel loss or grief, I don't want them to suffer. I decided to live for them - until I could do it for myself. This is going to pass for you - I hope really soon ((((()))))

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