Friday, June 11, 2010
My mother and I went out yesterday- my energy has been coming back and I am currently cutting back on some of my meds. I am feeling like the old Susan from before- I've been in a four year depressive state, so it's nice to know it's finally lifting. It's a wonderful, wonderful, thing.
I had not had my hair cut in 2 years. It was way to long, unweildy, and it needed it. Of course I am unhappy, I asked for 3 inches to be cut, she cut off close to six. I don't like short hair on me, I like it long. So it feels weird. But, it's not so bad as a friend reminded me last night on the phone, it can grow back.
What upset me, and shocked my mother, was as the girl was shampooing my hair, and then arranging it to be cut- she started seeing bald spots. As she put her comb through my hair, it's coming out in lumps. My mother is shocked and I am biting my lower lip not to cry.
"Did you have cancer?" the hair stylist asks me.
"No", no I nod.
"By any chance are you taking lithium?", she asked- and both my mother and I almost jump up- in our chairs.
"Well, I have other clients who take lithium. You know it makes your hair fall out".
Shit. Well, my hair is falling out, and I am trying not to cry. My mother asks about what we can do- and she suggests either hair extensions, or a wig.
"Or just style your hair like this= it will look OK.", she assures me.
This morning I went for my blood draw, and looked long and hard in the mirror. Not only is it short- shoulder length instead of past my neck- but the texture is now baby fine from kinky curly hair- like Elaine from Seinfeld had in the first few seasons. I really cannot look in the mirror without crying.
Stupid me. I know there are people who follow my blog who have been through hell in Afganistan and Iraq. There are people who have lost children and marriages due to this illness. I know another reader two weeks ago who just died by his own hand. This is just a hiccup in my life, I have been through worse. No doubt it will make me stronger. But not today. Today I just want to say "F**K You lithium". You took away my crowning glory. But you aren't going to get me. Not me or my soul. It's on!