Monday, May 17, 2010


I Gotta write or I really will die. Dust off the book and write til my hands bleed.  Make pitcher after pitcher of ice tea and write. Write until the Phoenix rises again. The fog is lifting. Americans lover second chances. I gotta write. If I don't now I won't get a second chance again. I did it when I got sober. I gotta do it now I cannot be this depressed for the last four years and continue without being worm bait too much longer. Only Time Will tell. Write. Write.

ETA: Don't you love the 80s and the old 80s videos?


Andrew said...

Please hang in there Susan.

You are loved.

susan said...

Thank you Andrew. YOu are an inspiration to me.

tinkerbell the bipolar faerie said...

It feels like you're in hell right now ... please keep going. I'm plugging for you.


Syd said...

Susan, no worm bait for now, okay? Write out those feelings, gratitudes, and stories. I am thinking of you and wishing you well.

Radagast said...

I have a question for you ('tis my style - what does one do about it!?), and it's this: when you are no longer depressed, what will you be doing?

Just by way of tedious explanation, I need to point out that this is a profound question. First, when this thing happens, whatever you think of, it will be a signal to you that you are not depressed - something real and identifiable. Second, in the landscape of "Depression or Not Depression," identifying something that belongs in the latter place gives you something very definite to work towards.

I suggest that you don't choose "writing" as your evidence, because at the moment that will merely confirm for you that you are depressed. Choose something you do every day out of habit, such as looking out of the window, or something - something you can't avoid doing, anyway.

Anything can be adduced as evidence of anything, Susan. That is the point. So find something trivial, and then claim that it's evidence of "Not Depression". And while you're at it, you may as well rename "Not Depression" positively, and call it "Peace," instead.


Radagast said...

Susan wrote:
"I Gotta write or I really will die..."

Incidentally, my impulse was to tell you that that was really unhelpful - you shouldn't be telling yourself that kind of shit, you know, for the simple reason that people hate to prove themselves wrong, I've noticed. However, upon reflection, if it's how you feel, then it's best that you say it, rather than internalize it, I think... It's not the sort of thing that one wants to keep secret.

So, I suppose writing about not being able to write is a start, although you have contradicted yourself, in the process! Isn't writer's block generally associated with a) identifying the kernel of an idea; b) writing something where the narrative doesn't hold together as true - the characters have to behave unrealistically, in order for the story to proceed; and c) as an extension of b), the actions of the characters become so ludicrous that for them to arrive logically at the desired climax becomes impossible, according to one's own perception of reality, at which point, the whole thing grinds to a halt?

Hmmm. That's when one is working with fiction, of course. What do you "need" to write about?


David A Stein said...

Stay strong and keep writing! I hope your Tuesday is pleasant and restful,


Cheryl said...

Writing is so much a part of my identity (see monday's post) that I totally get what you're saying.

Matt, writing in and of itself is one of my best indicators of depressed/not depressed. When all you can write about is how depressed you are and then one day all of a sudden your head is clear and you can write about something else, it is the biggest relief.

Sonya's World said...

A phoenix you are. -my fictional Yoda

susan said...

@Cheryl, I have to get to your site. I;m behind on my blogs this week.

@Mr. Sonya- Yoda? Is that a bad thing or a good thing? I confess, I only saw the very first one.

@David, Thank you. I need to visit you too!

Jennifer, aka beautiful mind, complex life said...

"a word is dead once it is said, some say; I say it just begins to live that day" ~Emily Dickinson

Keep writing, Susan! We who have that urge must do it.

wonder woman said...

i am with you in spirit. i am with you. i know it's terrible and frightening and exhausting. allow yourself to do nothing...

sometimes nothing is peaceful and powerful.

i know what's like to be in the world, but not of it. i am with you.

Mary LA said...

We've had email contact but please take care and I am hopings things get better soon.

All love darling

wonder woman said...

I'm still thinking of you. Hang in there girl. You are not alone. We are all thinking of you.

The Blue Morpho said...

You have the 'write' idea. Keep on writing - write about not being able to write. Write about writing being hard. Write about how each word is a pain to put on paper. Write about anything. You can put them here on your blog and know they are read. Adventures in Anxiety Land

wonder woman said...

Susan - Still with you in the Spirit. I was sending warm thoughts your way at 5:00 this morning.

You have blessed many people, including me and I am standing with you.

I might even light a candle in my home. You are not alone.

I know it is exhausting. I know what it is like to be exhausted...and done.

But you kept me going.

From my home to yours,
Wonder Woman

susan said...

I;m still here Wonder Woman. I just got a slight cold from the change of seasons- one day it's 50 and the next it's 80. Sniffle sniffle, cough cough. Just sleeping and running 102 and not able to break that. Back soon. Take care!

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