Sunday, May 16, 2010

Weary

Some vignettes pondering as  I wonder if I am finally slipping out of my mental capacities. Non compos mentis. The lunatic is in my head

In no particular order. Seeing the Trade Center bombed twice. Volunteering at Ground Zero after the event and wondering if the smell of ashes would ever come out. Amsterdam with Pooky when Theo Van Gogh died.  Driving in the car with mom and dad when Nixon resigned and dad pulling off the road and telling us children to "Put a sock in it' so he could hear the news".  Watching Secretariat win the Triple Crown. Waking up one morning and finding my mother weeping because Bobby Kennedy had been murdered, unconsolable. Me studying for my American History final and hearing about John Lennon and weeping, unconsolable.  Being an infant in my mothers arms and mother was listening to the radio and heard that JFK was murdered in Dallas and she stuck me with a diaper pin. Mom cried, and I cried. Watching the 84 Superbowl and seeing the Big Brother Apple ad. The one TV ad that still haunts me, after all these years. (That and the damn Goldwater Daisy ad which I saw in uni class). Popular culture- watching "Who Shot JR" and final epi of "M*A*S*H". School being cancelled for Luke and Laura's wedding. Loosing my virginity. Loosing my religion. Putting my cat to sleep as she lay in my arms.

Mom and Dad and Grandma and Grandpa staying up to see Neil Armstrong on the moon. I kept falling asleep on the old blue couch. Mom kept pinching me to keep me awake, so I could see it. I was a small child. I didn't see why she wouldn't let me sleep. What was the big deal. Mom said it was the biggest event of my life.  Maybe it was. I dunno.

I want to thank the following friends who cared for me while I am having problems with my meds, my sanity, and very well may be going into the hospital in the next few days. I value each and every one of their friendship more than mere words can say.

In no particular order.

Caught in my bipolar burble
SemiCrazed
Coming Out Crazy
Chronic Impending Disaster
Finding Optimism
It's Quite An Experience
My Medicated Cartoon Life
Sonya's World
Struggling With The Elephant In The Room
Letting Go
Interchanges and Connections
Non Breaking Space
Red Pill Junkie's Blog
Agitation of Hand's Strength of Words
George the Duck (well, his human)
and lastly but of course, not leastly,
Life By Misadventure


And my friends too numerous to Name on Twitter.  I'll see you all on the Dark Side of the Moon.

15 comments:

Radagast said...

Susan wrote:
"...I wonder if I am finally slipping out of my mental capacities..."

Yeah, well, that's not actually possible, believe it or not... You'll complete the loop, shortly, and everything will fall back into place, making just a little bit more sense than it did, before. If my experience is anything to go by, that is.

Matt

PS I just wrote to Baeraech O'Bama, to complain about the way the US (and UK, for that matter), administration is treating Gary McKinnon. O'Bama should have more respect for his intellectual superiors.

Andrew said...

God Bless and good luck Susan.

BlackEyedDog said...

My heart goes out to you! I know that feeling when my mind starts going places...places of my past, of the (un)possible future....or mostly it just goes somewhere non-existing and makes me talk to people who don't exist. If you have the possibility to go to the hospital...do it. I wish I could go there sometimes but I'm not allowed to. It freaks me out.

the song is super beautiful btw^^

xoxo

NOS said...

Stay stong, Susan. You're worth it.

susan said...

@Radagast, I am behing on Gary McKinnon, but I did watch Chelsea win this weekend. I hate that team. I'll pop by in a few.

@Andrew, thanks. I;m handling it. The good news is my sobriety is stronger than ever. That's a good thing. How are you?

@BlackEyedDog, Hospital is last resort. I just want the ideation to stop. I hate the hospital. But it has good food. That's the only good thing about it.

@NOS- you too. You stay strong too sweetie. YOu are getting stronger and stronger every day.

Marcie said...

Probably the one thing on your list that affected me the most was John Lennon getting shot. It just made death seem so final...you couldn't bring him back.

I hope you can stay out of the hospital, but go if you must. We care about you.

Anonymous said...

All my strength and hopes for health to you. Sometimes you write posts that are so eerie in terms of how similar your feelings are to others' and trust me, that is incredibly rare.

May you find a balance soon. I just came out of a month long stretch when everyone was certain I'd have to be hospitalized. I didn't(yet) but I know either way people love you immensely.

Hugs

Syd said...

I have not been able to make sense out of all those deaths that you write about even after these many years. I accept that there is unspeakable horror somewhere every day. I do what I can to stay grounded in my own reality and keep an optimistic outlook.

sallyo said...

Hoping you get the rest and help you need! Sending thoughts, prayers, and warm thoughts your way.

~ N said...

Hey Susan. Thanks for the shout out. Yup, I'm here. Any time. You're amazing, you just need to be reminded of it a little more often.

David A Stein said...

Hang in there, you are an amazing person and it has been an honor to meet you through the blogs.

To me this was an intense post, one showing the progress of both the mind and various events. I hope you are able to make progress and find your footing.

Stay strong Susan. We are all here for you!

Dave.

susan said...

@Marcie, I think out of everything in my life taking out personal family deaths, John Lennon was the one the gutted me the most. I think it puts in perspective how my mom and dad felt on the deaths of JFK, RFK and MLK, if that makes sense. WhileI wept when George Harrison died, somehow it was different.
Did I get your new blog correct? I keep thinking of your old blog name.

@Anon- I;m fighting it. Kitteh gives me balance. But it's so damn hard sometimes when you really are raging against that good night.

@ Syd I do to. It's hard. I thought of you last night, someone posted some awesome Pink Floyd vids w/ Syd Barrett on them and one was a tribute they did with "Wish you were here" dedicated to him right after he died. Pass the Kleenex. Beautiful. I posted it on my FB page.

@Sally thank you. I hope David is doing well, and the grand babies are awesome!

@N- I know. But I don't know. Isn't it weird how we have no self esteem?

susan said...

Thanks David, we overlapped. It appreciated. YOur blog rocks and I like your Tweets.

Anonymous said...

Sending you many caring thoughts in such a rough time. Please do the best you can to be kind and gentle with yourself.

Hugs and tailwags,
Littlewolf

Jamie said...

Hi Susan,
I was just thinking about how horrible things happen in our world for absolutely no reason and what we are supposed to do after they happen. Some people say that bad things happen for a reason, but I think they just happen at random and somehow we have to make something out of it and keep on going. Or maybe I just don't understand this world we live in at all!

I hope you are doing okay. You're in my thoughts today.
Jamie

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