Monday, May 3, 2010

Absalom, Absalom

I dreamed I was pregnant, woke up and I'm numb. Wish I could write but too depressed to even do that, everything I touch dies. May is my waste land. I kill all I touch.

I'm sorry, I just cannot stop thinking about my son. I don't know why, I haven't thought about him this much in years, the poor thing never had a chance and lately he's been in my dreams. Maybe he's been reincarnated this time successfully as a person. Maybe he made it.  All I know is right now I miss him so much I cannot write, all I can do is cry the blue out of my eyes and the pain is excruciating. I've always been told that a parent would die for their children. I believe it. I would have died for you, and I never met you. 


Radagast said...

Jesus, Susan: please stop doing this. Your son was perfect, and always will be. Always. Remember that.


Marcie said...

Hey, I care. And we need you.

Syd said...

Susan, I'm sorry about your son. I'm sure that you do feel sad about him. I do my best not to dwell on the losses and the sadness because it just drags me down. I focus on all the hope that there is and the good things about today. Hope that you can do that as well.

Matthew Isaacson said...

Oh my god! I'm so sorry. I had no idea about that. It sounds like you're still mourning. Let that run its course, and things will get better.

Wendy said...

One thing I do know is the loss of a son. Sometimes, you just have to let it come up - you have to sit with the pain, the memory and hold it the best you can. I think many people think that there is something wrong with sadness, but for me it brings the memories of him back so clearly, as though he is present with me. Sometimes sadness is the place where the healing comes. And it will never be completely healed, becuase if it were, we would be unable to honor their existence. It doesn't matter if to the world they were not "whole" or were damaged in some way, but to us they are perfect just as they are, perfectly our sons.
I wish you quiet love surrounding you and your son. Precious memories and joy that fills your heart.
Wendy Caleb's Mom

susan said...

@Wendy, my son was never born, he was a mis at about 13, 14 weeks. It hurts, but it wouldn't be like the pain you carry over Caleb. I am sorry. I guess with the near miss of my dad last week it just brought back this memory and I miss what might have been, not what nature took away.

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