Depression is a four letter word.

 from Bitter Animator

Sometimes I think I must have come from another planet. I don't get people. Or rather- people don't get me.

For example. On the phone with my best friend last night. I am telling him I had two real good days last week. Bought a new winter coat, since I don't have one in my size, some underwear and a killer pair of shoes. All from Santa! (He came early this year). I was very happy.

Energy came back and I did a thorough clean of the apartment. Had the car washed and waxed. Just felt alive. Even managed to get to the gym and had a nice workout.

The next day, I crashed. Big time crash. I couldn't get out of bed. The cat had to bite me hard, drawing blood so I would get out of bed and feed her. I did and crawled back to bed. I could hear my upstairs neighbor moving around. It sounded like an elephant walking, but I know it wasn't. I just put the pillow over my head, wishing for a split second I could wind up like Desdemona, but instead, just tried to sleep.

I slept round the clock for two straight days, getting up only to feed the cat, change her box, and use the toilet. I had a talk radio station on for white noise. All they are talking about is the election which is a year away. Sigh.

When I tried to tell my friend, he couldn't understand. "You should have gone for a walk, instead of laying in bed", he said. When I got in touch with my mother, she replied "Are you sick?"

"No", I replied, "Not physically sick. Sick in my heart, in my soul".

"You are being stupid. Go for a walk. Go shopping. Go to the gym. Quit crying, or I will give you something to cry about", (she didn't say the last thing, but you know mothers, she was probably thinking it).

"Mom", I said both to my mother and to my friend. "Try to live in my shoes for once".

It's strange, normally I don't get depressed this time of year. Spring and summer are my worst times. I love this time of year, holidays. I love Santa, I love driving around to look at the trees. I love the parties. The only thing I don't like is the fruitcake.

Then there's New Years. A holiday that should be wiped off the calendar if you are single and cannot get a date. Nothing to celebrate, go out to a diner or Denny's for a meal, go home, rent a movie from Redbox, and snuggle on the couch under an afghan made by Grandma. Then right before midnight, turn on Dick Clark, see the countdown in Times Square. Laugh at the poor folks freezing who are there, while you are snug as a bug and warm on your couch.

Then midnight. No one to kiss, even the cat has fallen asleep. You take the afghan off, lay it on top of the sleeping cat, go to bed and cry yourself to sleep.

In my 20's I would have gone partying and clubbing. By the time I was 30 I was tired of warn out pick up lines and guys spilling beer on my clothes because the club was too crowded. Then I stopped drinking, I don't go to places like that anymore. Living in Suburbia, there aren't any other  places to go.

The next day, New Years Eve, you go to a friend's or a relative's house and watch football. And count the days til Valentine's, while your local store has left over chocolate from Christmas, and new chocolate for Valentine's and Easter up.

The older you get, the faster the holidays go by. It's one of those weird laws of Physics you know exists, but you really can't prove.

That isn't a bad thing. The older you get, the more you appreciate the smaller things, like remembering the simple pleasure of waking up one morning and finding it's snowed and there is no school. Running outside, sledding on a wooden Flexible Flyer, coming in and mom having real hot chocolate and home made chocolate chip cookies, with the chocolate melting.

The trick of being an adult is to remember that exact moment, how great it was not to go to school, the sheer joy of being alive when you felt snow and rolled around in it, and how happy warm gooey chocolate can make you feel.

A bit of happiness. A small burst. A giggle, a smile. That's what it's all about. Remembering this little moment, can do a lot for depression.

If only cookies weren't fattening.

Depression is the inability to construct a future

I wish I had written this. It was actually written by Rollo May.

Anyway, this is how I feel, right now. I am writing for what it's worth, but cannot finish anything and wrap it up in a nice bow for the kind folks who read me. But I cannot. I don't even want to get out of bed, I don't want to eat. I just feel there is no future for me, nothing to look forward to. The only thing comforting right now is the cat, flipping her tail on my hip bone when I try to sleep, or her soft breathing on my arm if I am on the couch. I am not suicidal, I just feel for the first time in my whole life there is no future for me, no dreams, just banal existence.

Nothing is worse than reading the mediocre writings of someone struggling like this. So I am going to take a a few days, maybe a week from the blog, and just turn off the computer. This blog actually has been my raison d'etre for the last two years, but rather than posting cute fixes and taking away from the blog's theme, I am just going to take a few days off from writing and try to find myself and feel better.

One more blogger who gets it is Bitter Animator.  Check out his blog, if you haven't already.

When favorite things go bad-

Bitter, at My Medicated Cartoon Life, is celebrating his 2nd,   "bloggisversary I am reminded of one of my favorite drawings of his- about Apple.  I love Apple. But the new itunes- is dreck. Awful. Piece of garbage. Updated last night and - yeah, everything crashes again.So it's back to install and re install. Don't get me wrong. I am a proud member of the Cult of Mac. Once you go Mac, you won't go back. A Mac is a girls' best friend. But itunes 9? Bah!  The only thing WORSE than itunes 9, is the new update to Blogger, because I cannot post this real cool movie to my blog I am aching to do so. 

09/09/09 - A Day Without Cats? Or dogs? Why Pets Are Better Than Prozac

Around the interweb gossip, various sites are asking for people not to put up cat pictures on this auspicious day. Show of your canines! And the back lash is- nuts to the dogs, show of your felines! Every day is Caturday!

Now, frankly, I think pets are better than Prozac, and honestly, as much as you can say your bff, or spouse, significant other or partner is your best friend or soul mate- I personally believe it's the critters we share our lives with that are. It doesn't matter if they are dogs, cats, rabbits, hamsters, mice- fish- we love them and they love us back despite all our imperfections. All they ask is to be loved, fed, walked and loved. Did I say love? They comfort us when we are blue, they sleep with us when we have had our hearts broken by the latest boyfriend/girlfriend.

So while the interwebs declare war on deciding- which is better- cats or dogs- I Susan S - say this- it doesn't matter. Both pets rock.

So be good to your animals today. Because we all know, if cats had opposable thumbs, they really would take over the world. And in a reverse weird Planet of the Apes way, humans would be at their beck and call. Worse than they are now. Pets are the best thing to chase away the blues than anything in the universe- even chocolate. Instead of banning one or the other, lets just cherish them.


(Picture of cat curtesy of Bitter Animator)

It's the anniversary of the moon landing!

From my personal favorites around the blogosphere....


From Bitter Animator at My Medicated Cartoon Life



It wasn't Neil Armstrong, it was a mancat! From House of the Mostly Black Cats



"Look at those pictures, Wow!", Walter Cronkite on the Apollo 11 moon landing.

My First Meme

I was tagged by the the amazing Bitter Animator for this alphabet meme. Here goes!

A – Age: It's not nice to ask a lady her age. 40 something. Dunno. Birthday coming up.


B – Bed Size: Full size. Large enough for the cat and i to slumber, and her favorite stuffed animal as well.


C – Chore you hate: Housework. I am the antithesis of Martha Stewart


D – Dog’s name: I don't have a dog, but if I did his name would be "Barkis", as in 'Barkis is willing".


E – Essential start your day item: Ice tea or Diet Coke with lots of ice.


F – Favorite colour: Right now, orange or yellow.


G – Gold or Silver: Silver. .


H – Height: 5' 0""


I – Instruments you play(ed): Clarinet, Alto Clarinet (think of the clarinet in the movie "Heaven Can Wait") and Soprano Clarinet.


J – Job title: Unemployed.


K – Kid(s): None


L – Living arrangements: A one bedroom apartment.


M – Mom’s name: Mom.


N – Nicknames: Oh gosh. In Jr. High I was called "Georgette". From a character in the old Mary Tyler Moore Show. No nicknames since.

O – Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Tonsils removed at 4 years of age. Tonsils removed again in 7th grade. (They grew back). Wisdom teeth removed in 8th grade. Lyme's disease at 22. Pneumonia last year. Adverse reaction to Haldol last year as well which almost killed me ( I did flat line).


P – Pet Peeve: New Jersey drivers on the Parkway and Turnpike.

Q – Quote from a movie: "I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that". "Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops."


R – Right or left handed: Right.


S – Sports: Baseball couch potato.


T – Time you wake up: 8 am


U- Underwear: Umm, Victoria Secret from when I worked, some plain stuff from Target.


V – Vegetable you dislike: Brussel Sprouts.


W – Ways you run late: From NJ drivers on the road and looky loos driving to slow. Man, I hate driving.


X – X-rays you’ve had: One for my wrist when I broke it. Several MRI's of my brain, CAT scans, and what not. Oh yeah, my teeth.

Y – Yummy food you make: Spaghetti with meat sauce.


Z – Zoo favorite: Pandas, Polar bears, tigers. No line in the ladies room.

Now the hard part. I have to tag a few people. So I tag, Gianna, Stephany, Ana, and Mark. Or if you liked this meme and I didn't tag you, consider your self tagged and place it on your blog.

Please help Bitter

You know how even though you read many blogs every day, there are the ones that are your absolute favorites that you must read every day or you just feel- lost? You miss, like an old worn out pair of slippers?

My Medicated Cartoon Life is one of those blogs for me. It's done by a real live honest to goodness animator- and it's-like reading the comics in your newspaper every day. A guilty pleasure, but highly enjoyable.


Bitter posted this the other day. Bitter suffers from depression, yes, but this one- this one touched my core. He is obviously in pain.....


Last week Liz Spikol asked her readers to pop by my blog and tell me how much they like me. I am paying it forward, asking my friends and readers to go to Bitter's blog and leave a nice compliment. Look at some of his drawings. He has a lot of talent. His drawings make you smile. And isn't smiling wonderful?

Wordless Wednesday one day late

I meant to post this yesterday, but in the thrill of seeing Bitter Animator write a cartoon about my bear idea- (and the bear is very cute), I forgot to post this.


Astronauts have picked up Hubble telescope for repairs.

Here are some beauties from Hubble.






I wish I could have done better at higher math. I would have loved to be an astronomer.

What a shout out! And a picture to boot!

Yesterday I mentioned an idea that instead of pills, we could use hugs and teddy bears to make us feel better.


Imagine my surprise this morning to see one of my favorite bloggers, Bitter Animator, not only likes my idea- he liked it so much that he made a cartoon about it.

I got the teddy bear idea for several reasons......

1. I seem to have put on seven pounds from the 45 I lost last year, and now it's time to pull out the shorts. .......Eiii.....

2. I really was jonsing for a hug from someone, and I couldn't with the weight gain, go the familiar ice cream route, even if the supermarket across the street had Cherry Garcia for $2.50 a pint.

3. I had run out of one of my drugs, Cymbalta, and ended up missing a day and a half dose and coming down with a headache just a hair short of a migraine from it.


So I crawled into bed, took out my panda bear, and got my old stuffed tiger, Tigger (after Winnie The Pooh) out of the box he is sleeping in because I have had him since my 4th birthday and he is most fragile. I took them in bed with me and felt much better.

Hence, why not give teddies instead of scripts from your doc to make you feel better?

Life should be this simple. And lets face it, they could re tool all the Big Pharma plants to manufacture bears, so no one would loose their jobs, everyone is happy..... and live happily ever after.




Please add Bitter to your blog rolls. For a price of a daily post- you get a great read and a cartoon. A toofer!



I feel like I just won a Nobel.......

Go Phoenix! =oh Icarus!

My friend Larry posted an interesting piece this past September. Larry wrote,

"Bloggers helping bloggers helping bloggers ... hey, it's one way to keep our sanity and stay alive, folks."

Today has been a bad day for me - for personal reasons i will go into later, but I have been crying buckets and feel..... as Larry said in a letter- "Numb". I didn't think I was numb, I feel empty and hollow, more lonely than I have been in years. Not alive, not dead .Larry nailed it. Numb. Unable to write, unable to feel. Still getting over bronchitis.

Then I saw this on one of my favorite bloggers site, My Medicated Cartoon Life. It cheered me. I have always had a soft spot in my heart for the classics animated cartoons, like Bugs Bunny. So much so that I wanted to be like Mel Blanc, and even took voice lessons in LA, so i could do cartoon work. Unfortunately, even with an agent who was on "The Simpsons", the best I could do was an offer for adult cartoons, and a one shot ad for Ralph's Supermarkets.

If you ever heard my voice you would know it is suitable for adult cartoons. Stress the adult.

Bitter Animator had this picture up today, and it's amazing. it touched me and my soul right at a low point. He calls it Icarus, but unlike Icarus, he's not burning when he gets near the sun. He reminds me of a Phoenix. And that is all about today, closing doors, and rising from ashes of dead relationships.
What do you think.?




Thank you Mr. Animator.