Thursday, September 24, 2009

Is Depression like snow?

I cannot help but wonder- is Depression like snow flakes? Every episode different and beautiful in it's own way??

Since this past Saturday, I have been experiencing a Depression different than any other I have ever experienced.  Listen-

I cannot get out of bed, and have no desire to use the toilet. I cannot eat. Indeed, I have not eaten anything since Sunday other than water and iced tea. I get up solely to feed and water the cat and change her box.

The cat is ignoring me. I suppose I would want to ignore me too. No bathing, no brushing teeth, not hair. Why bother? Europeans in the Middle Ages never bathed.

I cannot sleep. i am sure I do in fits and starts, five ten minutes here and there- but not more than that. I close my eyes, I see myself dead- hanging from a tree outside my apartment, bleeding to death in the bath tub- dying from not eating- dead from a broken heart. Indeed the last one concerns me, my heart is racing so fast I cannot breathe. The last time I saw the doc last week, my blood pressure tapped out at 160 over 120.  Not good. I never had this problem before. I cannot read, I cannot watch TV, I can barely write. My thinker seems broken.

And the worst part is, I have never experienced this, and even worse, after a day or two- I should be starting to flip back to mania.

There was no mania this time. I did not fall from mania, I did not get it. Instead, this bout seems to be triggered by a writing by someone I actually know, that upset me, no - made me retch. It seems to me, the older I get, the deeper and longer the depressions get- and the worse the suicidal ideation gets as well. The mania - when I get it is different too. Most of the time it's mild, like I have OD'ed on coffee- but now, for the last 3 years, every July I get manic- to psychotic, to paranoid, to I am putting the Reynolds Wrap on the windows so the neighbors cannot hear my thoughts. This is new.

And the weirdest symptom of all - now- is I am afraid to leave my apartment. Right outside my door I have a rose bush. It officially died this summer because I could not get outside to water it. I have a mail box right outside, and i cannot even go and get that. I don't understand. There are 17 stairs to get down to the front door- I cannot walk down them. The cat runs down them, I cannot bring myself to walk down them.

I think the worse thing is, i have not seen another living soul, sans cat since Saturday Night. This is not good. I cannot even talk on the phone without crying copious amount of tears.

I murdered my roses. I feel awful. Those little guys never had the chance. I wish I knew how to murder my depression and get back in the land of the living again. I do know the tools- I have them. I just cannot get out of bed to do it.

All these symptoms are new. So I wonder, is Depression like Snow?


Anonymous said...

I think you are right. Every episode is different in its own way, haunting in its own way, even beautiful in its own way, but always dreadful. And it builds like snow, silent and cold, tantalizing with its promises (always empty) of what it will teach you this time. You learn, yes. But the darkness, oh, the it worth the learning?

Know that there are others out there sending you hope and strength, light and laughter. You are not alone.

Offering comforting hugs and tailwags,

Lisa G said...

They all have a sameness to them, and a difference. Very much like snow. I am fighting suicidal ideations as we speak. I do not speak out because it would upset my husband. I suffer silently. Pretending everything is alright. Which is stupid.

I understand your pain. I'm sorry you are living it.

Sallyo said...

I can offer you cyber hugs and understanding. Hope you feel better soon.

Anthony said...

I've murdered countless innocent plants in my patio containers.

Usually, my depressions have a reason, like now. But generally, I'm wishing for some sort of "fast forward" button to see where all this is leading.

The suspense is killing me.

Annapurna Moffatt said...

Oh, Susan. Ouch. Hang in there. (((((HUGS)))))

susan said...

I feel bad so many of you are suffering from depression too.

I managed to eat a tuna sandwich and took a long shower, and washed my hair. I even managed to give myself a manicure and painted my nails.

Still depressed, but more sad than depressed.

Anonymous said...

Go you for eating and showering! :)

Sometimes it can help to take a mental tally or even write down the things we HAVE done, rather than the "to do" list that all of us seem to have either racing in our brains or cluttering the house. The 'have done' list helps us feel that we have accomplished things, rather than makes us feel worse for what we did not get done.

Sending continued support and hugs,

herb said...

Dear Susan,

I would like to wish you and yours and your readership a belated Happy, Healthy and Prosperous New Year.

Joyce and I just recently returned from an enjoyable visit with our friends in Tucson and I’ve just gotten back to some blog readings.

I am truly sorry to be reading of your unrelenting depressive episode.

As you know I am a very, very long time support person and caregiver and my thoughts often are not aligned with some of the thoughts and opinions I read on similar blogs.

I am truly sorry for your pain and suffering and that of others as the result of Major Depression as I have closely observed and tended to my spouse’s serious depressive mood states these many years and naturally in my own way I have been affected by her illness. Unlike that which I often read we on the other hand collaborate with her attending physicians and take action by modifying Joyce’s treatment regimen.

What I find lacking in your narratives and that of other similar blogs is any attempts at researching and/or discussing alternative or adjunctive treatment options and/or considering newer treatment options or for that matter even considering withdrawing from all current treatment regimens in order to reestablish a baseline and proceeding from that point in an attempt to abort one’s suicidal ideations and serious depressive episodes.

I thought maybe you and/or some of your readers might consider from a positive prospective offering up from their own personal experiences and/or research ideas for you and others to consider in collaboration with one’s physician when faced with a worsening, downward spiraling and depressive mood state.

Once again, I do not take lightly one’s expression of unaddressed suicidal ideations and quite frankly I personally “retch” at the thought and possibilities.


sbwrites said...

Dear Susan,
Sorry to read that you've been feeling so depressed. I don't think that depressions get worse as we get older. In fact, for me, things are getting much better.

Having said that, I experienced one of the worst depressions ever last year, but I'm hoping it was just the darkness before the dawn.

I'm glad you've eaten and bathed. That always makes me feel much better, and I take great pains to do it when I'm at my worst.

I'm hoping you have a host of wellness activities you pursue when the depression lifts a bit. During the worst periods, I made myself "shuffle outside" every day, just to get sunlight--even it was just for 10 minutes.

And, once I borrowed my mother's walker so I could walk down the driveway and back.

Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with you!


Music for Cats said...

I am so sorry that you feel so awful. Know that even strangers admire and care about you, and want you to pull through.

Your description reminded me of my last depression, during which, at the end, I became catatonic. I don't know your personal situation -- I haven't been reading you long enough -- but please, please, please try to get into the hospital. Call a friend or family member and ask them to make the arrangements if necessary.

You will be in my prayers this morning, and every morning until you post that the depression is lifting.

Take care,

Music for Cats

Arlington meditation said...

i feel sad to read this. so sorry for this.

Ana said...

I'm very sorry Susan.
Please try to eat. I have been noticing that eating makes me feel much better and improve my mood.
It took me many time to understand that. Now I'm experimenting lunching everyday at the same time.
I don't think you will be able to make your food.
Don't you have a place to order food made at home?
We have it here.
Hope you get better!

Ana said...

I have Skype now.
If you want...

susan said...

@Littlewolf- i agree with you, only instead of a mental inventory- once i turned 40 i have to write everything down!

@Herb- L'Shana Tova to you and yours as well. I promise to write about alternatives- i think though- when you are alone- it's harder to see the forest through the trees. For me, it's when i am well, (ie; not manic or depressed) I can look into such things and when I get hit by the olde black dog again- i have these as tools to show my parents, or my doc to try. Kinda backwards, but you know, it does work.......

@Susan- believe it or not your blog helped me the last patch and i think i got through it quicker because of some of the things you wrote about.

susan said...

@Music For Cats- First of all, you know i think your name is awesome! My cat is most musical with her meows. Secondly, I found your blog, and it's brilliant. i look forward to reading it in entirety and adding 2 blog roll. I also noticed you have the 4 bloggers who helped me start writing on bipolar in the first place. i try to write these raw things to set me apart from all the other really good bloggers out there- because as my ex once said- it's the one thing i can do better than all. Thank you.

@Arlington and Ana- i am doing better. The food and shower worked- well the food did too. i do plan on writing what triggered this blip- very very soon. And that silly video on TV last night which i posted- that had me laughing out loud. Kittehs and doggehs make everything better

love to you all.

sbwrites said...

Dear Susan,
I'm delighted to learn that my blog helped! Sometimes when a depression hits, I feel that nothing I know and have worked so hard to learn works for me. But, deep down I know that isn't true. And I'm always so pleased to learn it works for others.

Maybe, sometime, you'll let me know what was useful to you.


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