Monday, October 17, 2011

Rerun:How I am staying alive while my brain is trying to kill me-part two

(This is part two to a piece I wrote back in January 2010. I'm not in this place now, but I have a real bad cold and some problems with my kidney meds, so I thought I would re-run another oldie but a goodie. I repeat-I'm not suicidal. I'm ok.) 

So I am still in the same place as I was when I wrote the earlier piece, but I decided, let me sit down and write a "Bucket List", something to keep me going, things I still want see or do, when my brain clears. I didn't think I could think of anything, but surprisingly, there are a few things I still want to do, and I would like to share them with you...

In no particular order.

1. I would like to believe life can be beautiful again.

2. I would like to know that love exists- and real great sex can exist too. And that I can find a guy who really, really knows how to kiss......

3. I would like to spend New Year's Eve in Times Square.

4. I would like to spend Bloomsday in Dublin.

5. I would like to see London again. I would also like to see York again.

6. I would like to really get my writing groove back so I can get my novel polished and published. By a real publisher, not by a vanity press.

7. I would like to have a house so I can have a dog.

8. I would like to have friends again, and to be a good friend.... that is the important thing.

9. I would like to find Serenity again, and just peace with knowing my brain is different, whether I was born different, or made different with a lifetime of medication- my brain is shattered and damaged, and I just have to be gentle with it an accept it. My problem is I don't accept it, I want to be the girl I was eight years ago before the damage started and I miss that girl and I long to be that girl, the girl who had a job, the girl who had friends....I have to stop mourning, cause if I don't I will be like Queen Victoria who wore black and mourned and spent her whole life in mourning after Albert died. And that isn't living, and I am not in a position where I can have PM's no matter how capable, live my life for me.

10. I am sure there are other things, other places to see, I just cannot think of them right now.


Parwathy Narayan said...

Thank you for sharing your bucket list. I'm glad that you still have hopes for your future even though you struggle with depression. I have manic-depression and remain hopeful as well. It's scary to have no sense of even having a future...I've been there. I'm glad we've found what works. I hope you feel better.

"Lil Ol' Me" said...

New to your blog. Can't even remember how I linked to it a while back and then found it again today.

I love this book.

Well, love as much as one can when dealing w/this 'crap' that we deal with.

Occasionally, I find myself in a spot where I need to pull the book out. Open it and find something I can 'take' that particular day or week.

Currently, it is in the door of my car. I have found that i need it more and more lately.

Thanks for sharing. I may just have to try this bucket list myself on my blog. Something in the optimistic - hopefull side

Mark p.s.2 said...

"...but I have a real bad cold "susan.
I wish you to feel better soon!

Jen Daisybee said...

Thanks for sharing your bucket list again, Susan. I like your "reruns"! I like the way that you try to remain optimistic no matter what. That's all we can do sometimes, cultivate hope within ourselves for a future with improvements in it. I'm glad you're in a better place now than you were when you wrote that post, and you're not suicidal.

Numb said...

You are healthier than me. Bucket lists to me just represent more disappointment.

Be glad that you are healthy enough to believe in a bucket list.


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