Wednesday, May 25, 2011


The world didn't come to an end this weekend. But my world continues to evolve into a downhill spiral. My agoraphobia is back with a vengeance. I  cannot leave the apartment for love or money. I've left twice in the last fortnight- once to visit my parents and get blood work done. The other one was to go to the local grocery store, get a 25 lb bag of kitty litter, several 5 pound bags of kitty chow, and a case of wet cat food. (Tuna and salmon of course). 

I hate depression. I hate agoraphobia. I cannot think of too many things worse than these things. Even Brussels Sprouts are better, and that is saying a great deal. 

I know some of it is my making. First of all, Spring and Summer are the worst time of the year for me. I suffer from reverse SAD. I've never met anyone who has this- I am not even sure if it is a medical term. I've sat through countless support group meetings where people have said they have SAD, bought light boxes in an attempt to feel better. But to me- it's the long sunny days that bothers me- the heat; I am so much happier in the fall and winter when the leaves fall off the trees, when it snows and when it's dark more than it's light. 

I even told a joke to my doctor last week- I would be happy living in Antarctica where most of the year is in darkness and it's cold. Seriously. Let me move there with my cat and my books, and radio and I would be happy. 

On top of all that- I seem to be in a slump. I cannot write for anything. It's not that I cannot write- I cannot think of anything to say. The wells gone dry. I just want to lie in bed all day, cry and not do anything. Not go on line and check other friend's blogs. Not look at Twitter, not look at Facebook, not even to read the LOL Cats Cheezeburger site. I'm living on coffee and cigarettes. Food has no pleasure for me, I just want to eat sugar. So I stick with the coffee and three daily  menthol cigarettes. 

I've never been in a writing slump like this before. Not able to write, no ideas. Afraid to address the comments here, should I say something wrong. Just not doing anything other than sleeping, crying, and if I can get to the couch, watching hours of Red Dwarf on my VHS tapes. 

Once again, I'm not living. I'm existing. I don't care if I wake up in the morning or not. I need something to get me out of the bed, something to get me out of the apartment, but it's not there. It's my fault. I'm not looking for it. I need to do that. Soon. I fear what will happen to me when I just exist, not using my brain, or my heart. I'll be a Zombie, living dead, cursing the light every morning and praying, praying for something, anything to keep me alive. I don't want to be that person. I'm scared I am turning into her. To me that's a fate worse than death. This slump has to end.  I have to kill it or it will kill me. The latter is not an option. 

Out of the mouth of babes- Kitty has the right idea to end my slump.....


Mark p.s.2 said...

I am sorry you are in a slump.

my 2 cents worth...The only thing I can think of is to
write someone else's story, if you can not write one of your own.
or write a story from an animals perspective.
" if you don't know, there's a baby eagle near Sidney, B.C. that's being watched by a treetop webcam. The eagle was born a few weeks ago - a moment that was watched by thousands of people online. Since then, he's become something of a reality web star.

But now, the eagle has run into some trouble. One of his legs is apparently caught on a piece of fishing line. Apparently, a lot of eagle nests have fish line because it's attached to the fish they find."

Ruth said...

For me the slump is May. Once I can get past May it helps. The other thing I learned by accident. My daughter moved back home and complained about how dark the house was. Without thinking, I replied, "Because I am light sensitive." Yup, the bright light of summer increases headaches and feelings of bleh. So I try to cut down light in the house and that helps a little. I also learned that you can survive quite a while 5 minutes at a time.

TDR said...

I hope that you can get through this soon. Since I moved to the northern hemisphere I always find it tough to get through the dark winter months. I can't imagine having that effect when it is bright and sunny outside, it must be horrible.

Best wishes, and please know that people are thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

That was one of your best entries. Good writing connects spirits. You described me to a t.

I hate the light of summer. I would love to live in Alaska or somewhere cold. I am agoraphobic and calmly existing on sleeping medication.

Thank you for validating my experience...i am not alone.

I love you for that.
wonder woman

ps. your writing touches people of all backgrounds -- I'm a former US Congressional Candiate who worked in the Clinton Administration. You would be surprised at the people who u are empowering on this blog.

God is using you.

midnight rainbow said...

I defininitely understand. Spring and summer have always been my worst seasons. There is so much activity, so much light, and people everywhere. I find I don't really calm until the sun starts to set. Also I am very heat sensitive as well and find myself with a highly anxiety in the warmer seasons than I do in the coler ones.

You are not alone. I thought I was alone for a long time, but again you have proven that what I experience isn't so rare or strange after all.

Even though I am in a home full of love I still struggle with the want to live and a reason for it. Sometimes life sucks!

shah wharton said...

I don't enjoy summer heat (and we had to move to Dubai where its 80+ right now)!!

So sorry you're feeling crappy. And about the writing: right an alternative ending to o=your favourite book or movie or TV programe? You'd be surprised where that can take you. And allow it to be utter rubbish (a problem I have) - just write at your own speed as and when you get a few sentences or paragraphs in mind.

Hug and loves for feeling better soon. Keep in mind that you will - we always do after all. We forget this crucial fact however and falsly think depression will last forever - it doesn't.

You will come to a break soon. Maybe on a dark, moonlight night, looking out of your bedroom window. Breathing in the autumn air, listening to the ally cats calling one another amidst the silence down in the street below. May be then?

Shah from (a linky for people involved in mental health)

sarah said...

for me there is a period between spring and summer when I's almost as if summer is the time to be seen and being seen ha always been scary for me so I have a bit of an idea of what you're going through. A friend always tells me Breathe...when I'm in that space and strangely...just hearing those words help. Stay strong okay....

Anonymous said...

Reverse SAD does exist and it affects a very dear friend of mine

Bea said...

I am very sorry to hear that you're in a slump.

You are not alone in getting depressed because of the hot weather! I don't want to go out at all, and staying in doing nothing only exacerbates the depression. It's a rough time of year for me too, and many others as the comments show. One thing to remember - whatever feeling you have, you are NEVER alone, someone out there is feeling it too.

Existing instead of living is so painful. It's like you're sitting outside time, watching your life pass you by, all the while feeling stuck and powerless to change the situation.

The fact that you wrote this blog post shows that you CAN write, and the post is beautifully written to boot. You still got it!!!! Give credit where credit is due - to yourself.

All I can say is, hang on. This will pass. I think that's something that every person with bipolar disorder needs to internalize: this will pass. (I haven't been able to accomplish this yet myself, it's a lofty goal, but one worth working toward.)

I hope that you feel better soon.

Jen Daisybee said...

I live in Florida and I hate summer, because the heat exhausts me. Actually, I hate the heat all year. I have been told that sitting in sunlight helps people with depression, but obviously this wouldn't help you, if sunlight makes you feel worse. Reverse SAD sounds like an interesting area for research, if it hasn't been done already.

I'm sorry you're having trouble writing. This will pass, as you will feel better eventually. Try to have hope for the days ahead, and keep your lights off and your curtains drawn, maybe that will help? Just don't give up. As you said eloquently, that is not an option.

Cheryl said...

I've read about reverse SAD on the Mayo Clinic site. It's a thing.

VICKI IN AZ said...

I am sorry to find you so low. I have been working hard to be honest with my drs. of late which means I got a new psychiatrist and I am in the long process of finding the right meds.

My heart goes out to you.

Anonymous said...

I use the title of your blog a lot; now it's your turn. "...keep going."

Ana said...

I have an award for you.
Please come to my blog to get it.

mutuelle swiss life said...

very interesting

amanda said...

Every summer since I can remember I have at least three weeks where I just crash. July is particularly horrible. I hate having nothing to do (but really everything to do), no schedule, feeling so alone. I get heat stroke amazingly easily so I end up huddled inside in AC most of the time. I'm also very light sensitive so I wear sunglasses always, no matter what season. Sometimes even inside.

One Ordinary Woman said...

I have the reverse SAD as well. The light makes me feel panicky and vulnerable, and then for some reason it also depresses me. Since I started homeopathy though it has gotten much better, I can go out to the corner and get my son off the bus instead of waiting for my husband to do it. That is really big for me. I can open up the curtains sometimes, but not the blinds. And sometimes I only open up ONE side of the curtains. Artificial light doesn't bother me, just the sun.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad i found your blog. I , too, suffer from agoraphobia and reverse SAD. I always knew that there was a connection between the two. I despise the warm weather and hot sunny days of summer. I yearn for the fall and winter because I feel safer, not having to go out as much because of the cold weather and darkness which I welcome with open arms each year.
I have two children and so far, I've been able to conceal my agoraphobia. I am always so anxious about my kids growing up and asking me certain questions about why I can't bring them places. I'm able to "travel" only within my comfort zone which basically means a few blocks radius from my house. I often feel like i'm the only one in the world who suffers from this problem. None of my friends or family members suffers from this...they are "normal". I want to be normal too. I want to be an active participant in my life, not sit by the sidelines as my life goes by. i don't want to merely exist...I want to live and fulfill my potential and any talents given to me by God. I have yet to figure out what they are because my life is ruled by fear and anxiety. Fear in the morning, in the afternoon and in the evening.
Thank you for writing your blog and allowing me the opportunity to spill my guts to someone who understands! I'm sorry if I've rambled on but, as I'm sure you already know, the weight of all of this becomes unbearable sometimes. I hope that you overcome your writer's block as well as this terrible agoraphobia.

susan said...

Anonymous- you aren't alone. I hope you see this but Normal doesn't exist. It's just a setting on a washing machine. You are you. No one is normal, you never know what is really inside a person.

I write like this because I WANT someone to understand what this hell is like and to know that you aren't alone. We have to help each other- that's the only way to get better in recovery and to heal.

Jay said...

I know you wrote this over a year ago and I hope you're feeling better, but I fear summer may be doing its worst again. I also have Reverse SAD - I just wrote an article about it called 'Melting to Death in the Sun!'.

There is little or no info about it, yet people like us suffer.

I wish you a short quick summer!

Dortha said...

Quite worthwhile information, thanks so much for the post.

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