I'm still here

I'm still here. Between being so depressed I cannot get out of the bed, my Mac dying, and more problems with my health- I haven't been blogging. It's back to 18 hour days, asleep in tremedous pain. I am on meds for my kidneys, meds for my blood pressure, meds for my bladder, meds for pain. Meds for sleep. My kidneys aren't outputting like they should be and I sit on the toilet, tears in my eyes while I attempt to do something that should be as easy as breathing.

I got my old mac up and running, while my newish one is being fixed. Never have an iced coffee near a computer. Never. And miss my newer one, almost 2 years old now. My 8 year old one is slower than anything!

Cutting to the chase- I miss writing and got so much confort from those who took the time to coment. Seriously. Epecially Wonder Woman. I just don't want to get into a bitch fest on how much pain, we all have our crosses to bear, and there is a saying in AA , 'Get off the cross, someone else needs the wood'.

So I am going to do something that is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. I am going into the city tomorow for Psych Out. It's going to be a nightmare getting into the city- i live commuting distance so it's just a short bus ride but I can bearly walk. I cannot take my walker with me. And I am abashed to let others see how damaged my health is now since the kidney episode in November. I haven't even let my two best girl friends in real life see me.  I look a score older than my age. Oh G-d, what happened to me?

It's going to be a huge leap of faith to go, to have people see what I really look like. To trust them to help me walk. To let them lean on me. I'm scared. In my mind, I look like a date for Joseph Merrick. But I want to go. I want to meet Robert Whittaker and hear him talk. I want to meet those from other organizations,  such as Psych Rights, Icarus, Mind Freedom and Opal Project, to learn from them and get strenght from them.

I hope to live blog and Tweet from there. So please check this blog in two days, and check my tweets on Tuesday as well.