Sunday, June 19, 2011

I'm still here

I'm still here. Between being so depressed I cannot get out of the bed, my Mac dying, and more problems with my health- I haven't been blogging. It's back to 18 hour days, asleep in tremedous pain. I am on meds for my kidneys, meds for my blood pressure, meds for my bladder, meds for pain. Meds for sleep. My kidneys aren't outputting like they should be and I sit on the toilet, tears in my eyes while I attempt to do something that should be as easy as breathing.

I got my old mac up and running, while my newish one is being fixed. Never have an iced coffee near a computer. Never. And miss my newer one, almost 2 years old now. My 8 year old one is slower than anything!

Cutting to the chase- I miss writing and got so much confort from those who took the time to coment. Seriously. Epecially Wonder Woman. I just don't want to get into a bitch fest on how much pain, we all have our crosses to bear, and there is a saying in AA , 'Get off the cross, someone else needs the wood'.

So I am going to do something that is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. I am going into the city tomorow for Psych Out. It's going to be a nightmare getting into the city- i live commuting distance so it's just a short bus ride but I can bearly walk. I cannot take my walker with me. And I am abashed to let others see how damaged my health is now since the kidney episode in November. I haven't even let my two best girl friends in real life see me.  I look a score older than my age. Oh G-d, what happened to me?

It's going to be a huge leap of faith to go, to have people see what I really look like. To trust them to help me walk. To let them lean on me. I'm scared. In my mind, I look like a date for Joseph Merrick. But I want to go. I want to meet Robert Whittaker and hear him talk. I want to meet those from other organizations,  such as Psych Rights, Icarus, Mind Freedom and Opal Project, to learn from them and get strenght from them.

I hope to live blog and Tweet from there. So please check this blog in two days, and check my tweets on Tuesday as well.


Delsiolive said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Delsiolive said...

You have such a good writting that I fear to hurt your sensitivity with my shabby english, but thats a minor thing reading in the post how devasted your health is. I'm so distant of this mental wreck situation because...I run from this place, but it'isnt that I don't have mental problems of my own. And fears, and unsurpassed conundrus of my soul. So, I don't need meds for it and, at the age of 53 never took them. I wish well and , if I may, I ask you: Why don't you go to live with your parents. I'm sure they would like to take care of you till you overcome all this. Bye!

Mary LA said...

Good luck Susan my brave friend -- all love to you and I hope the health issues ease up soon.

The Girl From Back Then said...

You should go anyway, it's food for your soul

Linda said...

I'm really sorry that you are going through such a tough time. Take care of yourself when you go out and remember all your friends here are with you!

Stephi said...

All the best for tomorrow Susan. You are taking a big step and when it's all done- there will be aches and pains of course, but you will feel on top of the world because you did it. I hope that you encounter some real kind souls who will assist you. I am not entirely sure where you live now, but if the city you are going into is New York, I had a great experience there with people being so helpful- it surprised me!. I hope you have lots of fun and comardy with everyone you meet :)

Ruth said...

I hope you have a safe trip and enjoy the day. Admitting to yourself how your health has beat you up is the first step to allowing others to see the rough edges. But the amazing thing I have noticed is my friends see me and not my health problems. Looking forward to future posts.

Ana said...

I was worried because you are not at FB or at the blog.
Be patient sweetie. It will get better. It will. I assure you.
Love you,

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