Slump

The world didn't come to an end this weekend. But my world continues to evolve into a downhill spiral. My agoraphobia is back with a vengeance. I  cannot leave the apartment for love or money. I've left twice in the last fortnight- once to visit my parents and get blood work done. The other one was to go to the local grocery store, get a 25 lb bag of kitty litter, several 5 pound bags of kitty chow, and a case of wet cat food. (Tuna and salmon of course). 

I hate depression. I hate agoraphobia. I cannot think of too many things worse than these things. Even Brussels Sprouts are better, and that is saying a great deal. 

I know some of it is my making. First of all, Spring and Summer are the worst time of the year for me. I suffer from reverse SAD. I've never met anyone who has this- I am not even sure if it is a medical term. I've sat through countless support group meetings where people have said they have SAD, bought light boxes in an attempt to feel better. But to me- it's the long sunny days that bothers me- the heat; I am so much happier in the fall and winter when the leaves fall off the trees, when it snows and when it's dark more than it's light. 

I even told a joke to my doctor last week- I would be happy living in Antarctica where most of the year is in darkness and it's cold. Seriously. Let me move there with my cat and my books, and radio and I would be happy. 

On top of all that- I seem to be in a slump. I cannot write for anything. It's not that I cannot write- I cannot think of anything to say. The wells gone dry. I just want to lie in bed all day, cry and not do anything. Not go on line and check other friend's blogs. Not look at Twitter, not look at Facebook, not even to read the LOL Cats Cheezeburger site. I'm living on coffee and cigarettes. Food has no pleasure for me, I just want to eat sugar. So I stick with the coffee and three daily  menthol cigarettes. 

I've never been in a writing slump like this before. Not able to write, no ideas. Afraid to address the comments here, should I say something wrong. Just not doing anything other than sleeping, crying, and if I can get to the couch, watching hours of Red Dwarf on my VHS tapes. 

Once again, I'm not living. I'm existing. I don't care if I wake up in the morning or not. I need something to get me out of the bed, something to get me out of the apartment, but it's not there. It's my fault. I'm not looking for it. I need to do that. Soon. I fear what will happen to me when I just exist, not using my brain, or my heart. I'll be a Zombie, living dead, cursing the light every morning and praying, praying for something, anything to keep me alive. I don't want to be that person. I'm scared I am turning into her. To me that's a fate worse than death. This slump has to end.  I have to kill it or it will kill me. The latter is not an option. 

Out of the mouth of babes- Kitty has the right idea to end my slump.....