Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Rerun:Why I Hate New Year's Eve

This piece was written several years ago....This does not indicate my state of mind at the moment, but is rather a glimpse of why I hate New Years Eve, especially if you are alone for it. 

New Years is a bad night for me. Part of me thinks of the old Barry Manilow song, "It's just another New Year's Eve/It's just a night like all the rest..."

Part of me is feeling sad. Depressed. Wanting to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I realized yesterday when I w as eating Chinese in the Village with a friend of mine, that I was conceived on New Years Eve by a 12 year old girl who had too much to drink. Could my earliest memory of consciousness be that of my conception between a drunk sperm and a drunk egg?

After all, drunken conception is nothing new, it has been happening as long as primal man slithered out of the the primal ooze that was the river Charybdis and became the genus Homo. John Lennon once made a comment about half the people in the world being conceived by too much alcohol on a Saturday night. I shouldn't be teasing these Saturday night specials, after all it made my father's side of the family multi multi millionaires. It is like the Bible says "the sins of the parents are passed down to their children?"

I am lonely. I feel lonely. Thinking about conception has made me horny. But I don't want to get laid. I don't know what I want. I have an urge to fly; I want to have one of those flying dreams I use to have when I was a child, but don't anymore. But I do not know where I would fly to. There is no where I want to go other than my bed. I want to sleep. I never want to wake up again. This horrible thing is depression, and it has me in it's sharp talons, not letting me go. I am screaming, and no one is listening. No one can hear my soul in pain.

I had my last drink on September 26, 1996. I can still recall it, sometimes I can still taste it. September 25, I had a bottle of red wine, adding grain (Everclear) to it so I could get buzzed faster. I passed out. I woke up the next day, no cottonmouth, but thirsty. I went to an AA meeting where being so thirsty, I couldn't even hold my glass of water. Finally got some down, got drunk again, and went into the DT's. I have not had a drink since then. Every time I get an urge, I recall that drink, the DT's; being strapped down to a bed and shaking so badly that the bed was moving, and the feeling passes. At the time I was drinking, I was hell bent on destroying myself. I was in pain, felt my life had not meaning, and it was easier to stay drunk than to actually live.

Now I have tonight.

I want to drink tonight. I want to take a bottle of vodka and take a long hot bath in my pajamas. Drink the bottle in the bath tub. And when the bottle is empty, crash it against the bathtub, shattering it. Taking the shards and slitting my wrists, my ankles, my throat. How long would it take to see the blood ebb out before going to sleep? I just want the pain to stop. I want the loneliness to stop. I feel all alone. I feel empty. I feel worthless. I feel like I should have been born dead. I don't know why I was conceived in the first place.

I'm hollow. I don't even feel alive anymore. I feel like a Basilisk. Dead. Empty.

I am not afraid of dying. That is easy. It is living that is hard, and living , so much of it sucks. I feel the loneliness the despair and it chokes me. I do not know who to ask for help. Maybe I don't want it. All I know when I feel like this, I want to curl up and never wake again.

Please God, grant me that one wish. Please. Because I am afraid of tomorrow. I feel as if I have been lied to, it does not get better. All the hard work I have done, that I am doing, back breaking work when I hit bottom to be where I am now, was it worth it? I do not mind being alone. I cannot handle lonely anymore. I feel so lonely I really could die. I am so lonely I might as well be dead.

All that hard work, and just now, when I feel the most vunerable, the most wounded, the one time I need someone I am alone. Like Tennyson's Percival, if I was to see the Holy Grail, I would know that this quest is not for me. Like Percival, the purest of Arthur's knights, , but still not pure enough to touch the Grail. I am not a knight in shining armor. The only dragons I have slain are of my own making.

And I just can't see this fairy tale ending happily. A long time ago I use to do tarot readings. They said I was psychic. I can often see how people will die in this lifetime. I have seen my own death, and know it will be by my own hand. And this prophesy I want to change. I just want not to be alone right now. I just want someone to hold me until this feeling passes. I s that asking so much? But as always, I am alone. YOu come into this world alone , you die alone, but I never thought this middle part called life would find me alone as well.

(Original written in 2001, re written in December 2008, and December 2009).(Photo Times Square 2009)


pianoninja said...

I totally know how you feel. I feel like everyone gets a God except me. I feel like I am not allowed happiness and am very lonely. Keep going. Please don't give up. I don't want to be the only one who won't give up.

susan said...

Don't worry Planoninja,

I won't give up, though sometimes it's way to tempting to do so. We are all made of strong stuff, and I think when our time comes we will go out kicking and screaming.

Don't give up either. I look forward to seeing you again.

Charlie said...

I just want to say we are probably in a totally different situation. But we feel similarly. What I did is to stop by the "an american craftsman shop" at 52nd and 7th ave and bought a small wooden box with "If you are going through hell, keep going!" inscription on it. This is my new year's memo and i will live stronger and better with it. hold on to it.

Syd said...

A tough one to read Susan. I am glad that you are in a better place than this now. Every new day brings new hope for something that keeps us all going.

Anonymous said...

hey, I know how you feel (in fact I was looking up new years eve depression things just for info when I saw this haha), and this may sound cliche or stupid but maybe you'll take it seriously... I used to feel like scum and I'd just chase after whatever to try to make me feel, I hated it, until I met God, I don't always feel totally chipper but I know who I'm supposed to be and why I'm here and Who I'm living for, I was also an alcohol related "mistake" as far as people would say, and I've also thought of suicide before, but now I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, it's a good thing... sorry if this sounds preachy or whatever, I hope it doesn't, I just really care about people like you (like me) and I've found the solution out, so why not share it with you... keep going, hang in there, I'll pray for you if that means anything to you. There was an instance in time where Jesus said something that could apply to this, to you... Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light - if you want to know anything more my email is kmn815@yahoo.com

Christina Paul said...

Just know you’re not really alone - most of us know how you feel and have felt that way before and I can vouch that it seriously sucks to be in such a dark place. It feels suffocating, always clawing your way out just to end up stuck there - alone - and in the darkness again. The good news is that you do claw your way out of it (even if it is only for a little while); I am really glad that you are feeling better though and I hope 2011 lights your way through that darkness.

susan said...

@Charlie, wow. That is so cool. I would love to hear how it works out for you. It's a good quote from Churchill, I am glad I found it too. It's helped me through many a dark time. I'll have to look for that shop next time I am in the city.

@Syd, thanks, just taking it one day at a time, that's all I can do, you know? Some days are better than others, for the really bad ones- Chocolate!

@Anon- thank you. I will write to you sometime later this week, when I do have time... very busy with my family for the holidays.

@Christina, thank you, and thanks for the follow. I really liked your blog too.

Jen Daisybee said...

Susan, I'm glad you are feeling better now. The only positive aspect to these types of depressive lows for me is that they always end at some point. The hope that there will be a time when I get out to the other side keeps me going during these times.

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