Sunday, February 28, 2010

And After Mt. Olympus, Then Came Hades

Dr. W stares at me and tells me to up my meds or hospital. I look at him, he is no longer laughing at me manic, I am back down to earth, past earth to Hades and back to suicidal despair. Indeed all I can think about is death. I tell him I don't feel safe. I clutch a small striped tabby stuffed plush my friend M and K bought for me when J left - a momma and baby cat . I put the baby in my purse ,and stroke it, trying to not be in the moment, but be four years old again.

I want someone to hold me like I was four. I have a friend on Facebook who's avatar is holding his small daughter, and I long to be held like that, comforted. I lie to the doctor, but I really don't want to be alone, I don't feel safe. I want someone to hold me at night, to grab my hand when I try to pick up a knife or a bottle of cleaning solution. But I don't have anyone. Just my cat, who stares at me with those green eyes and says "meow" and I realize that even though I am not safe, I cannot go- yet, no one will take care of her. But I wish, wish wish apon a star, i had someone who could do a one on one with me here in my apartment until this feeling passes, because it's really bad this time.

The other night was my sister's birthday and the whole family went out. I surprised everyone by grabbing a glass of pink champagne and ordering veal parm. I have not eaten veal since I was in 7th grade and learned about veal calves. Dr. W. said I'm so depressed nothing means anything to me anymore. It's common with depression. I don't know. Dr. W is good man. He was the doc who suggested the ECT back then, and apologized, said of all the people he had seen it happen I am one of probably 5 failurers. I am tired of people telling me I am a psychiatric statistical abnormality. First with the ECT, then with the Haldol= I want to scream I am tired of being maimed and hurt by you Viennese Head Thumpers! But I don't. Instead, my mother orders me some chicken parm, and a Diet Coke. The waiter asks if I want anything else. Before I even think , I say "White Russian". My mother says, "She will just have a Diet Coke". That's it. Man, I can taste that Kalhua in my brain. But would I actually drink it? I am afraid to know. Part of me would. Part of me would grab my coin in my purse, my AA coin, and drink the Diet Coke and the water on the table. My sobriety is important. Not eating veal means something to me. But not that night.

I just don't feel like myself anymore. I don't know if it's the med cocktail I am taking reluctantly, or it's from the therapy, my personality seems to me to metamorphosing into a poisonality. No one else sees it. Just me. I really hate myself. I hate therapy...I don't know if it's bring out issues I have hidden away so tight in my memory I don't want them to come up. Tear down the wall.... I don't know if it's the fact everyone I know in real life is telling me to take meds and won't support my wishes to get off all psych meds...I don't know what to think. My walls have kept me alive all these years. If they come down, will I die? I don't know but I have a gut feeling I am going to find out shortly.

I reluctantly tell the doctor I started self injuring again,, something I haven'd done in over twenty years. I am also hypersexual, again something that hasn't happened in twenty years. I just cannot stop thinking about sex. I don't understand. But I want to. I really want to, I'm just scared. I think the only life that is easy is the cereal Mikey likes.


~ N said...


I'm sorry you're going through this. You're not the only statistical anomally - I am one too, failing ECT as well as many, many meds - you're not as abnormal as some might suggest.

Stay safe. Keep going. Work with your doctor. I know it's impossibly hard. I know how the loneliness feels. I know what it's like to want to have someone take care of you. I have felt all those things. I am like you. Many are like us. You are not alone.

I would never recomment an unstable person get off their meds, I just wouldn't. It isn't safe. I know things seem horrific now, but they can always be worse, and being off meds might just be the way to find that worse. The people who love you don't want to see that happen to you, that's why they don't want you off the meds. It's because they care. It's their small way of trying to help. It's their way of trying to help you get better.

I can only say that you can get through this, I know that's true because you've survived up until now. It's the logic that people always use on me and I can't deny. I'm still alive. You're still alive. Hold on. Go into the hospital if you have to.

Others want you to live. It will get better. Try to hang onto that.

Anonymous said...

wow...I just wanted to tell you, that your posts really kinda help me. I don't why...but with my therapy and my life which is like torn to shreds and I'm mostly unable to cope's good to know that one's not alone.

I just started writing about my problems and it's difficult for me to put it into words.
So thx for your encouraging, inspiring and moving post....there should be more poeple like you

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

I'm sorry things are difficult. It seems to me that you are depressed and clawing to stay out of the depths of despair. You are right to worry.

N is right though. It will get better. Meds are best to stay on, our bodies are dependent on them. I know that caring about anything is not even an option sometimes, but you still care about your beautiful cat.

Hang on for one more hour, and then do it again. An hour isn't that long, especially if you do something different.

Wendy said...

Susan - thank for your mom who ordered you a diet coke and chicken parm. I don't know the whole history, but would your mother, your sister come over and lay on the bed holding you as long as you want?
I would come, but then I would be fired for not going to work again. Even civil service has it's limits and I have found it. I went to a therapy session this am, and turned around and went home. Back to bed.
Susan. Don't lie to Dr. W -tell him the whole truth, the self harm, the hypersexuality, everything. He can't help you on half the information - it causes him to make the wrong decisions based on the knowledge he has.
You are not alone - either in this world or as a stitistical anomally - your abnormality is my normal. Do what you need to survive - because that is all there is survival. Go the hospital if you need. Someone will care for Holly - I'd be more than happy to come get her for however long you need. Sending all the cyber Hugs I can muster (((((((((((Susan)))))))))))))))))

Anonymous said...

If owning a cat is the only reason stopping you from going IP, can't you board the cat so you can get the help you need.

I am really worried about you. I also live in NJ, and wish I could help you. I don't know were live.

I actually met you one time at the Princeton DBSA meeting. Many years ago.

Please take gentle care of you.


susan said...

@N, I know.. I am just frustrated and venting. And housebound due to weather for 4 days and no chocolate. It's like that scene from "The Shining".... no chocolate and fresh air makes Susan a cranky person.

@Black Eyed Dog, thank you. If you start blogging tell me and I will add you to my blogroll.

@Journey, I am doing better than I was when I wrote the piece, it's just frustrating, one bad day, one good, two bad days, one good one.... such is live. But it's still better than the alternative.

@Wendy , I am telling him everything, he just increases my meds, hence my frustration.

@Nancy , I remember you. I think I have your number on an old DBSA spread sheet. Will call

daedalus2u said...

Being hypersexual is from high testosterone. Testosterone synthesis is regulated by nitric oxide. Low NO increases testosterone levels and causes increased hair growth. That expands the niche for the bacteria I am working with and increases NO/NOx levels which then reduces testosterone levels.

I hope you can keep yourself safe and feel better soon.

Anonymous said...

Lots of gentle hugs to you. Hold on. You can do it. I'm in your corner.

Comforting tailwags and kitty purrs,

Matthew Isaacson said...

I'm glad to hear from your last comment there you're doing a little better, Susan. As you can see from the comments, a lot of people care about you.

Syd said...

I'm glad to read in your comments that you are doing better than what was written here. I hope that something will help. I don't have depression, but I know the toll that it can take.

susan said...

Thank you all. Maybe I should be less graphic so people won't worry?

Anonymous said...

I am so, so sorry you are feeling this bad.

They say therapy gets worse before it gets better. I've noticed that with bipolar disorder it gets worse, then gets better, then gets worse, then get the point.

I'm also a psychiatric anomaly. They can't even figure out my diagnoses let alone my med cocktail. It's just proof that psychologies one size fits all methods don't really work.

One thing I do know is no matter how bad the depressions get, there is light eventually. Keep yourself safe. Even if your cat is the only one keeping you on this side of the line, that is one person that needs you. And that helps.

daedalus2u said...

I have an idea for you. One of the things that regulates nitric oxide is hemoglobin levels. High hemoglobin translates to low NO and vice versa. (one of the things that regulates hemoblobin levels is Epo which is increased by high NO levels)

If you are eligible, you might consider donating blood. I have a suspician that some of the physiology behind blood letting as a folk remedy might be to raise NO levels by lowering hemoglobin levels. There might be some compulsions for self-injury for physiological regulation.

But only donate blood if you are actually eligible.

take care

Anonymous said...

Susan, I'm sure your family cares. Maybe you just need to reach out. If you've lied to your doctor, don't lie to them. I'm sure they will help if they know the truth. People don't know if you need help unless you ask for it.
Please take care of yourself.

susan said...

Hi Anon,

Unfortunately, my parents are not in a position to really help me, due to their age. What has been discussed is a nursing home if things continue to deteriorate, and I continue to be unable to care for myself. I am working hard to avoid this at all costs.

Anonymous said...

Nursing home? For you or parents? I'm sure they still care and if they are that old, maybe you can visit and help them. It might help you in the process? I'm just thinking, maybe.
I wish you the best. Be well.

lennicat28 said...

my name is Erin and I found your blog through Spikol. I have never been so happy to read a blog as yours.I had no idea anyone else felt this way. I am 28 and was diagnosed with Bipolar 11 5 years ago.I have felt so alone.the things that you think and say are the thoughts that go through my head daily.
since being diagnosed I have went through countless meds, 3 psychiatrists,hospitalizations,and ect treatments.(which by the way didn't work)!My doctor said I didn't have any more options.
I am also on a cockail of psych meds and talk therapy.What people who don't have Mental Illness don't understand is how much of a struggle I go through just to stay alive.My goal inside my brain is to die. I am saying this here because I cannot say this to anyone else. I have lost all credability with my family and friends I am constantly being reminded to take my meds or answer the phone when someone calls.(that is the worst).
I feel bad and guilty about my actions. I overdosed on pills, and was recently hospitilized for having the idea to drink bleach.(I didn't).
I feel ashamed of myself and i feel bad for family.
I want to get better but I cannot help but be discouraged. I don't think I can live like this,in the back of my head daily are thoughts about my funeral.
This is my only outlet.I feel like I cannot tell anyone about this,Or I will be in the hospital again.Can they do this??
Thankyou for posting your blog it feels good knowing that I am not the only one who feels this way.

susan said...

Hi Lennicat,

I love Liz, I miss her very much on the blogosphere She was one of three people who encouraged me to start blogging.

. I am glad you came here, I think you will find there are many bloggers and people out there who feel like you do. You aren't alone.

Please stay safe, and don't drink any bleach- I have been told it's a very nasty way to die.

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