Thursday, November 22, 2007

why I hate New Years

 New Years is a bad night for me. Part of me thinks of the old Barry Manilow song, "It's just another New Year's Eve/It's just a night like all the rest..."

Part of me is feeling sad. Depressed. Wanting to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I realized yesterday when I w as eating Chinese in the Village with a friend of mine, that I was conceived on New Years Eve by a 12 year old girl who had too much to drink. Could my earliest memory of consciousness be that of my conception between a drunk sperm and a drunk egg?


After all, drunken conception is nothing new, it has been happening as long as primal man slithered out of the the primal ooze that was the river Charybdis and became the genus Homo. John Lennon once made a comment about half the people in the world being conceived by too much alcohol on a Saturday night. I shouldn't be teasing these Saturday night specials, after all it made my father's side of the family multi multi millionaires. It is like the Bible says "the sins of the parents are passed down to their children?"


I am lonely. I feel lonely.  Thinking about conception has made me horny. But I don't want to get laid. I don't know what I want. I have an urge to fly; I want to have one of those flying dreams I use to have when I was a child, but don't anymore. But I do not know where I would fly to. There is no where I want to go other than my bed. I want to sleep. I never want to wake up again. This horrible thing is depression, and it has me in it's sharp talons, not letting me go. I am screaming, and no one is listening. No one can hear my soul in pain. 


I had my last drink on September 26, 1996. I can still recall it, sometimes I can still taste it. September 25, I had a bottle of red wine, adding grain (Everclear) to it so I could get buzzed faster. I passed out. I woke up the next day, no  cottonmouth, but thirsty. I went to an AA meeting where being so thirsty, I couldn't even hold my glass of water. Finally got some down, got drunk again, and went into the DT's. I have not had a drink since then. Every time I get an urge, I recall that drink, the DT's; being strapped down to a bed and shaking so badly that the bed was moving, and the feeling passes.  At the time I was drinking, I was hell bent on destroying myself. I was in pain, felt my life had not meaning, and it was easier to stay drunk than to actually live.

Now I have tonight. 


I want to drink tonight. I want to take a bottle of vodka and take a long hot bath in my pajamas. Drinik the bottle in the bath tub. And when the bottle is empty, crash it against the bathtub, shattering it.  Taking the shardsand slitting my wrists, my ankles, my throat. How long would it take to see the blood ebb out before going to sleep? I just want the pain to stop. I want the loneliness to stop. I feel all alone. I feel empty. I feel worthless. I feel like I should have been born dead. I don't know why I was conceived in the first place. 



I'm hollow. I don't even feel alive anymore. I feel like a Basilisk. Dead. Empty.

I am not afraid of dying. That is easy. It is living that is hard, and living , so much of it sucks. I feel the loneliness the despair and it chokes me. I do not know who to ask for help. Maybe I don't want it.  All I know when I feel like this, I want to curl up and never wake again.


Please God, grant me that one wish. Please. Because I am afraid of tomorrow. I feel as if I have been lied to, it does not get better. All the hard work I have done, that I am doing, back breaking work when I hit bottom to be where I am now, was it worth it?  I do not mind being alone. I cannot handle lonely anymore. I feel so lonely I really could die. 



All that hard work, and just now, when I feel the most vunerable, the most wounded, the one time I need someone I am alone.  Like Tennyson's Percival, if I was to see the Holy Grail, I would know that this quest is not for me. Like Percival, the purest of Arthur's knights, , but still not pure enough to touch the Grail.  I am not a knight in shining armor. The only dragons I have slain are of my own making. 


And I just can't see this fairy tale ending happily.  A long time ago I use to do tarot readings. They said I was psychic.  I can often see how people will die in this lifetime. I have seen my own death, and know it will be by my own hand, 2 years from now give or take. And this prophesy I want to change. I just want not to be alone right now. I just want someone to hold me until this feeling passes. I s that asking so much? But as always, I am alone. YOu come into this world alone , you die alone, but I never thought this middle part called life would find me alone as well. 


7 comments:

Sarah said...

Hi,

What you wrote is very intriguing. Mostly because it is amazing that you wrote what so many people have felt. You said that the Bible says that "the sins of the parents are passed down to the child." If you know this then you should also know that
1 Peter 5:7 says
"Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on God, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully."

So...I dont know if what you wrote was a story or is your life, but God really does love and have a purpose for you.
Please write back.

susan said...

Sarah,

I don't have your email address, but thank you for your kind words.

It is my life here, I may change something small or mess with the time but this vignette is 100 percent true.

I just changed the names like Dragnet, to protect the innocent.

Sarah said...

You are welcome.
Be encouraged. I believe that God really did give you a gift to use. You are a fantastic and vivid writer. The title that you used, I have a card saying the same thing pinned on my corkboard, staring me in the eyes at this very moment. I've had it since
'05, and I bought it with the intention of giving it to someone else...but two years later it still resides with me; and rightfully so. I needed it far more than I thought.
When you are feeling depressed, change your surroundings. What you're listening to, what you're seeing, even what you are reading.
If you have a Bible read Psalms, David went through the exact same thing! (with good reason, people were trying to kill him). Most importantly, breathe. When I feel like i'm losing my mind I always find myself holding my breath, trying to hold back the ebbing pain and frustration of life; but when I exhale I remember that no matter what I am going through there is already a way of escape, somewhere, it's just a matter of seeing it.

1 Cor. 10:13 (New KJV)
"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."

If you wonder why I talk about God or use scripture so much, its because the only way that I make it through each day is Jesus, i'm not trying to force my faith on you (i promise). Cliche as it may sound, I would not be here if not for trusting God, wholeheartedly. After all, what did I have to lose if I was already ready to give up? :- )

Well...God really does care about you, so do I.
I am keeping you in my prayers, if it is okay with you. Have an amazing day!
Sarah

Anonymous said...

Recovery requires positive action but you just wallow in past negativity!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are going through this and are in so much pain.
Please, please remember to follow your blog title - keep going then you will get through it. Best wishes for better times ahead.

Rossie

Kat said...

God Smodd!

I get so tired of people cramming the almighty down our throats when we are in despair. The only reason to live is spend life praying and sacrificing so that we may be "blessed" enough to see god and be saved, what a load of crap.

I do believe in the infinite power that created all things. Try watching the secret or better yet what the bleep, and read the teachings of Abraham and Ramtha.

There's the answer, if in fact you did do some seeking please look into the references I have listed.

I myself have been diagnosed Bi-polar and am slowly getting off my meds, from knowing now that I am the creator of my universe and I am worthy of happiness.

Your not alone,

K

Tim said...

I know the love between the soul and the cup... Redemption doesn't have to be standerdized. Do life on your own terms. I understand.

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