Friday, November 9, 2007

hospital part deux


Second day in the hospital.   Slept badly,woke up with a headache and backache from the inch black plastic mattress.

I told the staff I wanted to leave and threw a major hissy fit. I don't usually have hissy fits, but this was very uncharacteristic of me. The nurses told me I couldn't go, and the pdoc then told me if I leave I would be going involuntary. So I knew when I was beaten.

Since July I have been listening to my dark self, to hurt me, to let the voices wake me and let me drown. 

So I buried them today. Buried the sirens. No Ulysses chained to the mast , no Prufrock and the mermaids. My new mantra is Mermaids/Sirens bad. Ignoring them is good. Maybe it's my Eureka! moment. If I keep listening to their siren song I will be dead by Christmas. So death, or get better. I am going to work on wellness. 

So wellness it is.  I napped a bit, but that is what it is. Had lunch, and then went ot a group. Played Bingo in therapy and won a small stuffed white kitten toy with blue eyes.  I looked at her and decided to name her Hope.

I'm still scared. Everyone is nice, but overwhelming. I am scared. It does not get easier each time here. It's hard. But nothing worth having isn't easy, and getting well is not easy. It's supposed to be difficult. But maybe it will be easier here now that I have Hope. 

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