Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The politics of getting a bed

2 PM came with my mother picking me up and bringing downstairs a suitcase, two books, a journal, and my stuffed baby panda bear.

My mother was so upset driving she cut off a white Benz as she made her way onto the highway. The Benz driver flipped her the bird, but my mother was oblivious to it. She was too busy holding  back tears and was semi accusatory as she asked me 'Why, Why?"

I told her what was going on since July, and she listened, but didn't understand. I could tell she didn't understand. 

The pdoc met with her and they are neighbors in real life. He explained if it was as easy as a few extra pills I wouuld be home with extra pills, some scripts and all will be well.

Mom sat and listened, but she didn't understand. He told her about a ay program, but said I was suffering from suicidal ideationj and couldn't attend that. 

Then the call to the hospital for the bed. The bed that was promised to me yesterday was taken by another doctor who had a patient who he felt needed it more. 

So I have to wait until tomorrow. 

Bet who tells who that someone is in more dire need of a bed? I don't understand it.

When we were leaving the doctor's office, a woman showed up with her small daughter, dressed for Halloween as I dream of Jeanie/Barbara Eden.

My mother smiled and said, "I wish you were 5 years old again".



So do I.

4 comments:

Stephany said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J. said...

I was sitting here doing a few searches on suicide and came on your blog. Every word sounds like it could be me (though, they claim I'm Borderline). But some how.. I'm jealous. Every word is a word that I can't even get out. I can't express and I can barely feel them anymore. We've never met, I have no idea who you are, but I feel like we are going through similar motions right now.

susan said...

thank you Stephany,

J, your words touched me and gave me strength today when I need it. Email me any time. and thank you.

anonymous mom said...

good luck susan, i hope your hospital stay is helpful to you.

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