Thursday, July 5, 2012

Lazy, Hazy, Days of Summer

Confusion. Sometimes my brain is so confused I don't know if I am coming or going. So what else is new?

I've been tired. Tireder than anything. You know you are tired when you are sleeping more hours a day than a cat. It's not the sleep that comes from depression or boredom it's the kind that comes from being downright tired, worn out, feeling sick but you don't know why everything is hurting. You lie down on the bed and you can feel your insides moving around, you feel them working. There are sharp pains in the kidneys, and the female parts. I've been waking up in the middle of the night with flashes and the only way to feel cool again is to take an ice cold bath and dream I am in Antarctica.

I can't eat, which is not a bad thing. I cannot see well enough to read, so I listen to books on tape. I just stumble out of bed, like after a long ago two day drunk, with wobbly legs and make my way to the toilet. Then it's feed the kitty, water the kitty, change her box, back to bed. Maybe update Facebook or post a lone Tweet, so people know I am alive. Then back to bed. To sleep, perchance to dream. But dreams don't come- or if they do, and I am a very vivid dreamer, - I simply don't recall them.

It's a numbness. My hour of lead, so to speak.

I've been told to see a doctor. I'm scared to. Scared there may be something really truly wrong. Like with my kidneys again, or my white blood count. I know my bladder isn't working at the moment, it's either feast or famine with it.

All you can do is persevere, like Dilsey.

I see my psychiatrist for the last time tomorrow. She is leaving her practice. I have to find a new one. I still have weekly meetings with my state worker, who I think, is nice but I keep her on a short leash. (More about that later). Things with the family are status quo. They don't really ever change. It's like a weird dance where you want to change partners, but you can't. To make matters worse, the band keeps playing the same song. It's worse than Groundhog's Day.

The cat now has hyperthyroid and is on a special diet. She is doing better. I couldn't write about that because she was on pills and doing terribly, and I thought for a few horrible days I would loose her. She is doing much better now, though she's very mad at me she can't have a bit of chicken or some other yummy morsel with her dinner.

When I started this blog four and a half years ago, I never thought I would go a month without blogging. I needed the break. I needed the time off. When I blog, I read psychiatric news stories for hours a day and read all I can to keep my education current. It was getting too much, which I think had a lot to do with my tiredness. My body was tired, my soul is tired.

It still is, but I miss my readers, I miss the process of writing. This is the best therapy I know of- and it doesn't cost anything more than an Internet connection. It calms me down, makes me feel whole. Not many things in life can do that, that aren't illegal, immoral or fattening.

It's no longer a matter of surviving for me. It's a matter of persevering. One step beyond survival.


For your enjoyment, the latest Holly photo. You can see she's getting a bit older.


Anonymous said...

(((hugs))) It's good to have you back...I missed you (and Holly) too. But I totally understand that you needed to get away, sometimes we all do, especially when feeling so exhausted. I'm sure it's nothing serious but you're right to see someone just in case. I know it's hard though - sending strength to you!

I'm sorry to hear you're losing your psychiatrist - I know how hard it is when you're settled with a mental health professional and then they leave. May the transition be as painless as possible.

And wee Holly - I'm so glad she's OK, how horrible those days must have been when you feared for her life :-( They really do become family, don't they?

Anyway, sending you and Holly both hugs, and our two send their meows across the miles as well :-)

Take care Susan

Karen (@mymorevividlife) xox

Astral Samurai said...

Hang in there!
It will get better for sure!
Sorry about your psychiatrist clocking out I'm about to make a transition to a new one myself.
Maybe better things will come of it?

I'd go to the doctor just to give you something to do besides there may even be GOOD news that might quench that worry!

Say hi to Holly for me!

Mark p.s.2 said...

You have to see a doctor if your urine is not working. Urine is how we get rid of bad and used stuff in out body. If that isn't working the stuff is staying in your body and will kill you.
You have to see a doctor about your urine output.

Angela said...

So happy to see you writing again, but very concerned about your health. I agree, it's time to see a doctor. It oculd be something that's easily taken care of unless you wait too long. Please do.

On The Way said...

Am with everyone that it's good to have you back! Holly's looking chilled out despite the diet, hope she's not too grumpy with you for long.
Of course everyone's going to be telling you to see the doctor so I'm not going to do that too. Am also just as bad when it comes to health stuff so I can't really talk! I really hope that you start feeling better soon.
Take care

Ana said...

Please, keep us informed.
I think Mark is right when he says you need to see a doctor.
Please, take good care!!!!

susan said...

Hi Karen,
It's good to be back too. I don't think people get how much blogging takes out of you. When I started I read the average blog dies in three years or so. If this is true, I've beaten that number, but it does take a lot of out you. Vacations are good.

Meows to your boys across the miles as well. Such handsome boys you have!

susan said...

@Astral Samurai-

I'm sorry you are in the same boat as me to find a new p-doc. I'm hoping for better things too. I've had good ones, bad ones, mostly mediocre ones. The last one was one of the better ones. I am going to miss her.

How are your little furballs?

susan said...

@ Hi Mark P.S.

I actually have the opposite problem with urine than you think- I just didn't want to get into it because it's a little gross. I'm actually running to the toilet every hour or so.... and wearing pads.

My urologist is aware of this problem and he and I are considering surgery to move the bladder up so I don't have this problem. Apparently it's semi- common with women who have given birth. I'm seriously considering having the procedure done in the fall.

susan said...

@Angela- I am's like I mentioned in the comment above to Mark- I'm dealing with a hyperactive bladder. It's not bad, I just have to be near a bathroom all the time. It's one of those times I wish I was born with male plumbing and can always use a bottle.

How are you doing? I need to check by your blog....I'm behind in blog reading.

susan said...

@Hi On the Way!

Thank you for the comments about Holly. She is looking good. I can't believe she's 13 and half now. She's still very much kitten like when she is awake. Just her whiskers are white now, and she's got some more white on her face.

I have a few white hairs too now, so I guess we all age. Holly is aging gracefully. I hope I look that good when I am in my 80s. (Adjusting kitty years for human years, should be about 80 for a cat, no?)

susan said...

Hi Ana!

Meows to your Nell!

Thank you for visiting. I'm really ok, it's just annoying to have to be near a toilet 24/7.

How are you doing?

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