Avoiding Triggers and Bad News

I don't want to write this piece, but I feel like it's mandatory.

Unless you've been off line the last day or so, once again the US had a fatal public shooting, this time during a midnight opening showing of the new "Batman" movie.

Once again, the media, doing what they do, run an interview the survivors. Hear the horrible tales. For the next few weeks, we will be assaulted by news of the burials, and learn more about the shooter. The shooter will get a fair trial and then when it's over, banished to the back pages, brought out only when the next one happens, where ever it happens, what country it happens in.

Here is some wisdom they don't teach you in Kindergarten. Life is hard. Some people are nice, some people are not nice. Mean people suck. Life isn't sunshine and rainbows, bad things will happen to you. Hopefully the worst things a human being goes through is loosing family members, sheerly by out living them. Your grandparents, your parents. Your beloved pets.

You will get your heart broken. It will hurt like hell. The amazing thing is the next time it happens the pain is a little less.

You will hear/see things you would not normally see in this world. That's because as Social Media makes us closer, it also gives us too much information. We know can read about the death of a despot, Social Media makes it possible for people to tweet, You Tube pictures of it happening.

So you are feeling fragile today. So am I. Here are a few tricks I've learned from working in a news environment, and just from living through some horrific things in my life.

You need to take care of you. Turn off the TV. Don't watch the news. Turn it off. If you must watch TV, watch something like a sporting event, or a cooking show. Even children's TV shows. (There are a few real good ones. I've just discovered Phinneas and Ferb).

Is it a nice day where you are? Get dressed and go for a walk. Have a dog? Take it for a walk, or a dog park. If you are single, this is the best thing you can do. Maybe you will meet the love of your life. Hey, it's happened for several people I know. (I've even met a guy once who was walking his cat).

Speaking of parks- wonderful places. Go to one with a small picnic lunch, or if you live in a city, buy a hot dog and a soda, find a bench and watch the people. Buy some bread and feed the pigeons, just getting happy seeing the pigeons enjoying the bread. Sounds silly? One of the smartest men ever, Tesla, loved feeding the pigeons every day in the park when he was in NYC during the last few years of his life. If it worked for Tesla, it might work for you.

I understand if you are afraid to go to the movies, - that's OK. Why not rent a movie? A lot of this year's Oscar winning films are now on DVD. Have a favorite TV show on DVD  you've been meaning to watch? Do it. (Yesterday I wasted six hours sitting on the couch watching old Red Dwarfs. It's my favorite TV show ever, and it always cheers me).

If you can get to the sea, a lake, or the ocean, that is very relaxing. Unfortunately, the traffic to these places really can give you agita, so it's a double edged sword.

A Library is a great to go, or if you would rather, go to a bookstore, and get a coffee. Go to a coffee shop.

Listen to music, or a book on tape.

When all else fails- take a nap. Hey, nothing wrong with a nap on the weekend. Just don't make it more than an hour or so. it's a NAP, you don't want to be awake all night because your nap was four hours.

Some other ways (children leave the room) if you have a partner, or are married- well, have some "alone time". Sex is a wonderful thing, it burns calories (yay!) releases endorphins (yay) and it makes you feel good and close to someone.  If you don't have a partner or are not in a relationship- well,  I understand, I'm in that boat too.  A nice long bubble bath works for me in this case.

Turn any instant news texts/alerts on your cell, if you get them. Turn off your computer. It will be there tomorrow. Pretend you live 100 years ago, before computers and phones were invented.

Take care of you. You are the most important person in the universe. If you are over a certain age, no one will take care of you, you have to take care of you. You can't be a friend to someone if you are in a bad patch. And the whole idea is to avoid bad patches, and triggers so you can stay in good shape, physically and mentally.


Now it's time for me to follow my advice. I'm logging off for the day, and I'm going to go out and go to a coffee shop. I'm the cute blonde wearing a black t shirt and denim clam diggers, with a green and blue scarf with flowers, drinking the mochachinno.

Triggers-One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor

As I wrote in a previous post, this past week I had a very bad  bout from wrestling with the Black Dog. It was one of the worst I had in quite some time. Most of the time, that type of depression , brought on by a single  trigger, doesn't stay more than a day or so, and I can just ride it out.

This time it went on for six days, and was very impossible to ride out.  Fortunately, it ran it's course, and as it was lifting, I had an Eureka! moment- i knew what caused this one. Silly, but once realizing it, I felt like I had climbed Mount Everest without the Sherpas. It was a comment made on a blog by someone I used to be very close to but am close to no longer. It took a lot to take him out of my RSS feeders reader, but it's for the best. Right now everything he is writing is triggering me.  And it's not his fault- it was this time of year when our relationship ended.  Don't get me wrong- he is a good writer- (But I am  as good, by his own admission , and  much  cuter, LOL).  I have referred people to his blog- and I hope he reciprocates to mine. But right now- E is - off the list. I don't think I can take another depressive episode like that again this year.  It destroys your soul- as seen in the post- but it also destroys your body and your health.

I feel like Sisyphus, during these episodes. One step forward, ten steps back. There is the end of the road- where things will get better or normalize- and I can't get there. It's beyond my grasp.

                         Ever feel like this cat?

Paul Simon wrote a song after he broke up with Art Garfunkel.  "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor".  That is how I see triggers. I can identify my triggers- and I guess  to 99.9 percent of the universe they'd be  nothing. But then, I am not triggered by spiders or snakes- though I've never seen a King Cobra or Black Widow spider.

One of my triggers are babies, and small children.  I need to wrap my head around this- at this point in my life, biologically I am still young and healthy enough to have a child, but without a boyfriend, or a steady job, or finances,  it is not going to happen. Seeing my friends with their children is painful, hurtful. It isn't their fault, it's mine. I think of the child I carried for 13 weeks and want to cry.

When I turned 30 I wanted the little white house a  with picket fence, two children, a dog and cat, and a station wagon. I had a good career, was making money, now was the time to listen to my clock. This was the life my mother had- this was half the women I knew in college wanted. The illusive  'Mrs", degree. The other ones wanted to work, and subscribed to the adage  ' a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle'.  Is it any wonder my generation was the first one to grow up confused between our mothers who came of age in the 50s, and our cousins who came of age in the 60s and 70s?

What I found was the men I dated- all good men- were kind and sweet, but when the relationship got to the point where it was getting "serious",  they backed off or broke up. The reason- I know they loved me- but did not want to father children with a woman who was bipolar. When I turned 40 I met the Ex - who like me was bipolar. In hindsight, that was all we had in common besides our writing. His dreams were not mine, mine were not his.  It is not a blight on his character.  He was older and wanted different things in life than I did. In hindsight, the relationship was doomed from the first date  at the Guggenheim.  But I can take comfort  in that for a little bit I did know him, and he taught me - a very independent woman at the time - that living with someone is really, really wonderful. Some days I miss him, some days I don't. From now on, the days when I do- I cannot read him. Not if I  do want to stay grounded and stable.  I want to get well again, and  not look back but look forward to a future. Right now I cannot grasp the idea of a future. I am stuck in the present. But I will understand future again.

We Remember

September 11.

It doesn't seem like 8 years, but yes, it is. Amazing how time flies.

One of the tools you learn in recovery, is to identify triggers and cope with them. This is a trigger for me, as it still is even now. Not as acute, but still there.

I will be off the computer, turning of the TV and radio and just reading and listing to music. And in my own way, praying for those who died and those they left behind.

Time does heal all wounds, but may we never forget those who died when the walls of Tower One and Two collapsed, or the Pentagon's or a field in Pennsylvania. May we never forget what courage is, as the NYFD went into the doomed towers. The story of the man in the wheel chair and his best friend who gave up his life so he wouldn't die by himself still makes me cry, and wonder if I would be as good a person if faced with that situation. May we all be and know Peace.

A list of all who died on this day is here.